I had a baby

I guess this isn't a shock based on my previous post. On 12/4 beautiful my second beautiful baby girl came into the world and it was a pleasantly uneventful planned C section. She is fantastic and calm and easy and likes to sleep and she's a perfect fit for our family. To my great surprise, my extremely sensitive, high strung, high maintenance 3 year old loves her sister and hasn't tried to kill her....yet.
I am back at work and even that is okay. I only feel overwhelmed sometimes and I can usually breathe my way through it. I am meeting and trying to connect with moms in recovery and, although I can't say I have met anyone who can replace my 'we got sober together' sisters, I have started building some new relationships. I attended a birthday party for a friend I have in the program and saw many folks I haven't seen in years and I loved showing off my girls!!
Life is still a wonderful gift and I am happy and grateful to be here. I want to post more and maybe that will happen, but if it doesn't that is okay too.

I got pregnant

It is so sad that I haven't posted, blogged, or read blogs in eight months. I miss this part of my day. I got swept away with so many distractions, good distractions, that I couldn't keep up. Even though I am posting now and thinking I will start posting regularly again, there is a voice in my head telling me that I am not being honest with myself about the number of hours in the day and the number of directions I have split myself.
The list of good distractions includes a few good experiments and the race for manuscript preparation so we can stay funded, pregnancy in the middle of March, and somewhere between 2-3 students in the laboratory all summer with lots of needs and questions. I raced through every day and to meet the immediate needs at work and home and I don't remember looking at anything on the internet unless I absolutely needed to. Half the manuscripts are published now, although we still have two more to do in the immediate future. I am due in 6 weeks and, aside from a little diabetes, this has been a pretty easy pregnancy. The students went back to school and are here far less often. This little extra time may give me the opportunity to blog, or this may be the lull before the next storm.
If it matters to anyone reading (and it might have mattered to me if I were reading this), I was struggling with infertility and it was very frustrating. My husband and I tried more than 20 times (like two years) and the disappointments were overwhelming. We made a decision to not pursue invasive, expensive fertility options even though the fertility doc who checked us out recommended some. It happened for us and I am very glad that we did things the way we did. I am not saying we were right and everyone else who handles infertility differently was wrong, but I am comfortable with the path with took even though it was painful at times.
Hubby and Manther (the 3 1/2 year old) are doing well. Hubby is extremely active in AA and runs two meetings and is going to a men's retreat this weekend. His performance at work has apparently been great (at least in my mind) and he is now top salesman and store manager. He has a lot of pressure, but handles it well most of the time. Manther is quite a big girl now, even though she refuses to cooperate and use the potty, and seems very happy in her older preschool room at daycare. She is not happy about having a little sister, but she is a diva/princess and I did not expect gracious acceptance of a new sibling to share stuff with. She will adjust and in 20 years she will probably love her new sister.
I go to my one AA meeting and week and church on Sunday. I am not as active in AA as hubby is, but that is where I am right now and life will change when the kids get older and I will have more free time for meeting and fellowship. I get lots of phone calls in to friends and family members and I feel happy and not isolated.
That's it for now. Today I look forward to finishing my day at work and going home to delouse my child and my house after a note a received regarding an outbreak at daycare. Always something to look forward to...

Manther grows up

It's Monday am and I really should be doing work, but I am having a little trouble getting motivated. Thank you all for your support on my last post. Things haven't improved, but I have just a little bit more acceptance this week than I did last week. We'll see what next week brings
Today I am posting about Manther because I miss her on Monday mornings. I enjoy my time with her over the weekend and she's on my mind when I go back to work. She was more challenging than the average toddler from the age of 18 months until about 2 1/2. At first I thought I had a skewed perspective on the situation because I was her mother. I knew all toddlers were defiant and she just 'felt' more defiant than average because I was so close to the situation. But, I started getting notes from daycare and they confirmed that what I was experiencing was outside of the norm. Well, we heightened discipline and that seemed to improve the situation. Now that some life rules have been established (you may not answer 'no' to everything, you do have to follow instructions, you may not climb or leap from or onto furniture, humans, or animals, AND you do have to wear clothes or at least a diaper and appropriate winter clothing outside because we live in Michigan), we can actually do stuff together rather than engage in a series of behaviors and reprimands. The bonus of having a 'challenging' kid is they seem to have an extra dose of personality and that makes for a lot of fun when they get older. Of course, it can also lead to attention-seeking criminal behavior when they get even older, but we have a few years.
Manther has still loves Elmo and her Sesame Street friends ('all the boys' as Daddy calls thems), but she has developed a second love that was unexpected given her tomboy personality. She loves ballerinas and ballet. I know this is common for a lot of little girls, but she refused to wear a dress for 12 months and I never anticipated an obsession with the pink tutu and tights. She has a couple of ballet cartoons that she adores and she desperately tries to imitate them with clumsy awkward toddler movements. I watch with mommy pride and congratulate and tell her how she looks just like a ballerina.
Last week was a rough one for her and I'm not sure she's recovered. She caught Mom and Dad in a compromising position. We didn't even know we were caught until we finished and walked into the hallway. She was sitting silently in the middle of the hallway, staring at the wall and anxiously sucking on her pacifier. My husband and I gasped and went back into the bedroom and wondered what to do. What did we do? Nothing. How do you explain that to a 2 yr 8 month old? Mommy and Daddy are playing. No you can't play, too. Because it's a game for adults. I don't know why. Do you want candy and an Elmo video? So, rather than have this stupid discussion I totally ignored the situation. She was really mad at Daddy that morning and wouldn't let him touch her, but she seems to have recovered. I wonder what version of the story they heard at daycare.

Prayers for Hubby

The title of this post sounds terrible and, no, my husband does not have a deadly disease. I am feeling so sad because he has the worst boss I have ever seen and I am watching it change him. He is becoming agitated and insomnia is creeping in. His self-esteem is being chipped away despite the fact that I am desperately trying to hug, kiss, and complement at every turn.
My husband works in flooring sales is employed at a small, family-owned company. The owner is an alcoholic ( I don't care if it's inappropriate for me to make this statement, I'm calling a spade a spade today) and has two adult sons who also have chemical dependency issues that have landed them in jail several times. Of course, their lifestyle is costly with the car accidents, lawyer fees, and the price of liquor/drugs and, it seems to be my husband's responsibility to support their habits. Every employee except for my husband and the warehouse manager have quit. I wish Hubby could quit, too, but I am not sure what is worse for your self esteem, permanent unemployment and bankruptcy or lunatic bosses? We look EVERY day for a new job. Occasionally, an opening appears and we jump on it. No calls yet.
Hubby has not missed a day of work in two years. He is scheduled for a 45 hr week with no sick time, paid time off, benefits or commission. His hourly pay is ~ $14 and hour. He does not get reimbursed for the gas or the cell phone that is used constantly in his sales position. He typically works 10 hours more a week than he is scheduled. He got no Christmas bonus this year despite the fact that he was promised one (he is a salesman who laid a floor for free in the new expanded showroom and was told "Thanks buddy, I'll get ya at Christmas). He was informed of an unpaid lay-off over Christmas and then was called back for 4 days during the middle of the lay-off. He was only compensated for 3 of the 4 days. His paycheck for the first full week of work after Christmas was $150 short. There is no real reason given for the cuts in pay. Sometimes the owner indicates sales are down, but my husband and the warehouse manager both see the books and are quite aware that this is a lie. Sometimes the owner just promises to make up the difference later. This never happens.
The one thing the owner does do is make sure you feel like you aren't worthy of the check you are getting and, despite the craziness of it all, I think Hubby is starting to believe it. I know it's a lie. On top of the professionalism and responsibility Hubby has displayed during his employment, he is averaging $30,000 a month in sales. This is the equivalent of the owner's sales and the owner makes sure to take the best sales leads and cuts prices beyond the stated parameters to make his quota. I keep assuring my husband that he is a wonderful husband, father, and employee with a terrible job. My words cannot reverse the effect of the abusive relationship and Hubby's behaviors are starting to scare me.
About two weeks ago, he told me he was wearing sweats to work one Sunday. I tried to insist this was a bad idea and I can't remember if he went through with it or not. On Saturday, he decided to shut and lock the door of the store 15 minutes early. The boss stopped by and confronted him. Hubby didn't really defend himself, but just mentioned he had another job scheduled and was in a hurry (this is the truth, he works on the side installing because his pay is crap). The owner said they would discuss it later. If this discussion would occur in a professional format, Hubby would invite it as an opportunity to vent some frustration. However, the owner likes to humiliate his employees and will wait until several family members and the warehouse manager are present and loudly point out that Hubby was trying to steal hours from him.
I love Hubby and he has grown so much in the past two and half years. I am terrified that this job will eventually enrage him to the point that he beats the hell out of his boss or relapses or both. I am praying, praying, praying every morning. Usually, I am praying out loud in the car. I am asking for your prayers,also. Apparently, God has a little trouble HEARING when I am praying alone (yes, that is my frustration speaking). Please give Hubby a better job option before the abusive relationship destroys him.

No good reason

Hello everyone, or anyone who might still be stopping by to see if I will ever post again. Thank you for the care and concern expressed in the comments after I went MIA. I suppose I owe an explanation. Maybe I don't. I guess I'll give one anyway. I don't think there is one specific reason I stopped posting. I did not relapse and I have actually gotten quite comfortable as part of the AA community in the suburbs. This is something I thought would never happen. My husband and I are still married, employed, and sober. Given the current state of the economy, the unemployment rate in Michigan, and the fact that we are both recovering addicts, these are all miracles.
I did ponder whether the blog was a good investment of my time. It certainly hasn't been a windfall financially and, if I spent my blog time researching investments and playing with small sums of money, I could probably be more successful. I opened a Sharebuilder account and I am working on learning a bit about the world of stocks and trading. I have a brother-in-law and sister-in-law who do a lot of this stuff and, don't worry, I won't invest more than I can afford to lose.
I have certainly been moody. I haven't been able to get pregnant again after a year plus of trying. We had some visits to the fertility doc and there is nothing really wrong, although some of the numbers aren't optimal. I am on meds, but they don't appear to be enhancing the process. The reality is this: Our chances of a second child are slipping away. I certainly realize that we could drive ourselves thousands of dollars into debt and try to force a pregnancy. I am terrified by debt and the cost of a second would be enough of a burden without starting out $15,000 in the hole. Not to mention, we could have multiples and where would that leave us? $2400 a month for double infant daycare? I quit my job and eliminate all our benefits? More than any of this, I won't seek invasive fertility treatments because I don't want the theories of western medicine to become my God. I believe in the power of the Almighty, if I am supposed to have a second child, it will happen with or without pills, injections, and implants.
I am sad and more than little bit angry at times, but I know that this is part of acceptance and healing. Many bloggers write to work through their pain. Not me. When the pain is great, I get busy. I clean, sort, organize, do home repairs, attend social events, and create a frenzied life that doesn't allow me time to mourn. There are many who would say this isn't healthy. I don't care whether it is or not. It is a better coping skill than getting high. I have been doing that for a few months and I am ready to slow down now. Does this mean I will actively blog again? I haven't decided yet.
Thank you all for listening. If anyone reads this and thinks about leaving a comment suggesting that I will get pregnant and I need to 'relax' or 'be patient' or, worse yet, tell me some other infertile woman's success story, please don't leave the comment. I do know that there is a chance of pregnancy, however, I am 38 and my husband is 52 and our time is limited. I really feel that focusing on acceptance is healthier than creating false hope.

A beautiful summer night

I just spent a few minutes on the patio with hubby enjoying a summer night. The moon is full and the air is thick and it felt magical. He must have felt the same way because he looked at me and asked, "Do you have any idea how lucky we are?" He listed his gratitudes and I agreed with every one.
The attitude of gratitude was prompted by more than just the summer air. Hubby had just returned from a job site where I had also been helping move appliances. The site is a condo that is being sold to a young couple. The previous owner/landlord is replacing floors and painting as part of the rent to own agreement. My husband sold the floors and the installation is half done. The owner is already finding every possible thing to complain about. There are smudges on the wall here and a hairline fracture in the molding behind the door and he was quite certain that scratch wasn't here before the installation started. The young couple doesn't seem particularly concerned with any of these things, but that doesn't relax the owner's attitude at all. He even tried to micromanage the relocation and hook-up of the appliances, something my husband and the young man are experienced in and the owner has probably never really done.
Finally, we made it out of there and home to the patio to relax. Hubby could have been miserable and I would have forgiven him after dealing with that wretched little jerk for 2 hours, but instead he was grateful. After he shared his gratitudes, he told me it didn't matter how much money the owner of that condo had. He was obviously a miserable man and Hubby was glad he didn't have that life. I completely agree.
TAGS:
marriage family home

A little game

Who can guess what these two unexpectedly similar objects are (don't look below and cheat)? If you guessed 1) the coat of a brown spotted skunk 2) a woman's hairstyle then you were right!
Everyone please forgive me here, but I am going to pick on the suburban wives with whom I coexist. I feel a bit guilty, but they're mean and that alleviates the guilt. Yes, the trend in the obnoxious, new money suburb that we moved to is to dye your hair funky red brown with chunks of blonde. This artificial look is best accompanied with overdone nails and overpriced shoes. Now, before anyone judges me too quickly, let me say that I do think funky hair is quite appropriate and attractive and when it is on a fun, funky person (see below). I know she is a cheerleader, but still likable.
However, when this look is on an IKEA-shopping, man-emasculating, must-flaunt-my-money housewife, it really loses it's funky fun appeal. It is about as appealing as the picture below.
Okay, I'm done with the rotten name calling. I would call my sponsor and make amends, but I don't feel bad about this yet. Maybe someday.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Lucky me

About 20 months ago, I was not sure I would be able to stay married to my husband. We are both in recovery and he had relapsed. He was prescribed narcotic painkillers following a car accident that had resulted in agonizing back pain. He had been sober 14 years and I didn't think about monitoring the prescription or his behaviors. He became a royal ___hole and intolerable to be around. On the fateful day, I received a phone call at work saying he had been arrested for driving erratically and leaving our 4 month old infant home alone. I did not know this at the time, but he was taking Vicodin, Zanac, and marijuana. The only thing that I did know at that time was my baby was not safe. I left work and went home, packed, and Manther and I moved out with no intention of returning.

CPS called and said we (hubby and me) had to meet with them at our home. I told them that I did not live there anymore and the baby was safe and the meeting was unnecessary. It's not quite that simple. We had to meet so CPS could get all the details. We did this and I found that I could not just run out of the house and hide with the baby. The baby and I had a right to a home (I guess that's good) and my hubby had the right to try and change (not really wanting to accept that one). So, they set up a bunch of rules for us and left. I was mean as a snake and hating hubby so much. I wouldn't even let him near the baby for weeks. He did not retaliate, but instead focused on his recovery and made his way to outpatient and meetings regularly. Eventually, he put himself back together and has become a wonderful husband, father, and employee.

I didn't know exactly what I wanted to post about today, so I read some other blogs. I hit upon a few that griped about husbands and I surely have griped about mine in my blog. But, my most honest deep down emotion is that I am proud of how hard he worked to overcome his demon and unendingly grateful that he is able to be a part of our lives today.
TAGS:
marriage family home alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

I smell like a man...for the second day in a row

I am wearing my husband's deoderant and I smell like a man. I had to do a similar thing yesterday. Yesterday I had enough 'Dove' for one armpit, so the aftershave odor was cut with a bit of babypowder. Today it's all aftershave. I made it out of the house last night and went to the store, but I was distraced with gum drops for hubby and Elmo t-shirts for Manther and the deoderant got left behind. I noticed it took hubby a long time to make it into the bedroom last night. He claims there was a late basketball game on the tube, but maybe this stuff is like a sex repellent. I think I'll throw some perfume with it before I hit the sheets tonight and see if that has a neutralizing effect.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Car repairs and house repairs are my aphrodisiac

After a 3 days of cold shoulders, abrupt words, and nasty blog posts, my husband must have realized he was going to have to make amends for being a pig. I found a huge crack in the hose that squirts windshield wiper fluid in my car this weekend. On the advice of my father, the back yard mechanic and general fix-it guy, I went to the auto parts store to buy hose and two linkers. My husband saw me bring the bag in the house and went outside after dinner to fix it with no prompting. As I watched him from the window, I was thinking he looked more attractive than usual. I had the same feeling when he was patching the roof this weekend. Yes, it is definitely 'hot' when he fixes stuff. Some girls respond to flowers and jewelry and I like these types of presents, too. But, if you really want to stir something up, get the caulk gun out and get rid of the black stuff around the tub.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Chauvinist pig

I have been a bit blog neglectful. The weather warmed up and this was distracting. Also, I wanted to spend more one on one time with Manther in an effort to decrease her need for ultimate order. She seems more secure and happy this week, but it probably has more to do with the warm weather than my attention.

My husband said several piggish things this weekend and I am rewarding him with the honorary chauvinist pig mask. The preface for comment #1 is that we are considering a second child. The comment: "Maybe after the second baby you can get in really good shape". The preface for comment #2 is that he worked 7 days this week and came home and I was laying in the bed with Manther trying to get her to take a nap. I commented that it was very comfortable and I was tired and didn't want to get up. He responded, "It's not like you worked all day. You were just around the house."

Isn't that sweet? He claims that what he said sounds worse than what he meant, but that's a pretty weak apology. I think he might earn himself a few more caricatures before this is over.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Victory

I am feeling victorious and a little bit smug today. I wrestled with Vista and won. After turning the computer and printer off and on about a half a dozen times, I managed to delete the test page that had been printing or canceling (I couldn't tell which function crashed everything) for 72 hrs. At this point, Vista agreed to recognize my printer and digital camera. ha-HA.
Then, my husband got out of bed this morning after a sleepless night due to Manther's 4am tantrums. He admitted he came very close to spanking her himself last night. ha-HA again.
Of course, Manther is still a rebellious monster and I could barely get her to wear shoes this morning. I guess I can't expect to win all my fights. At least she's still small enough that I can physically maneuver her when necessary;
TAGS:
family computers Vista parenting mom kids parents

Crash and almost burned

I had an uneventful weekend with a really ugly ending. I did some housecleaning and saw some old friends in recovery. I took Manther out to play a few times and was feeling very relaxed by Sunday night. My husband agreed to take Manther to an open talk with him so I could have some time alone. I was going to use this time to unplug and replug my CD and DVD drive on my home computer. I was hoping the drivers would reload properly following the replug and I would be able to reformat (I haven't been able to load software with my CD drive). I got interrupted part way through as my husband and Manther returned early and, when I returned to the task a few hours later, I tried to plug in the CD drive with the computer running. Sparks flew everywhere and our little shack of a house nearly went up in flames. After I was certain that the flames and sparks had subsided, I crawled into the bedroom. I nudged my husband part way awake and told him the computer was definitely cooked. He was uninterested and went back to sleep. When I told him what the price of a new computer was today, he got a lot more interested. To his credit, he is far more patient and even tempered than I am and he was very forgiving. I hope I am able to forgive myself as we tighten the belt one more notch.
TAGS:
marriage family home

AARRRGGGHH!

I am so irritable I can barely stand to be around me. I logged onto my blog and I was irritated by the stupid dots layout, It reminds me of cheerleaders and dotting your 'i' with a heart and ponytails. Why the hell did I pick that? That's not me at all. I was going to change it, but it was too much work and the only thing I will be happy with is making my own and that's WAY too much work. So, I will bitch like crazy in my post and that will probably make me feel better than changing my template.

I love my husband, but I may have to kill him. He has a crappy job that he bitches about constantly. I have listened to and commiserated with him on what a rotten, drunken, self serving, low life bastard his boss is. It is not lip service. I truly feel this way about his boss. WELL, I guess the point that I missed is that my husband actually ENJOYS this abusive relationship in some perverse way. He had an interview a few months ago for a better job. He was apprehensive, but he went and told me he was glad he went. He didn't get a call back, but that's okay. What matters is that you are open to change and living in the solution. I guess the guy that was hired didn't work out because the job is posted again. I told husband and suggested he call and inquire about the opening and his chances. He told me he 'likes his job and isn't going to quit.'

What the hell???!!!!! He has worked 45 days straight between his crappy job and his side jobs to make $10,000/year less than the new job would offer. Last week he worked 7 days for this ass who vacationed in Arizona. He showed the ass the weekend sales (which he gets no commission for) when he returned on Monday and the ass brushed him off and said, 'Can I eat my breakfast, PLEASE?'

COLOSSAL PHENONMENAL OVER-THE-TOP UBER SUPER JERK!

I don't want to control my husband. I don't want to 'fix' everyone's lives. I just want to live in a house where the kitchen ceiling doesn't have a gaping hole and I want to drive a car that has less than 150K on it.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Meltdown

I had a meltdown yesterday and I can't say it was surprising. We (my little family) have been battling winter weather and daycare viruses and crazy schedules and I got really tired. I was hoping my husband might make it home in time to take Manther to story hour at the library. I was exhausted and I wanted to stay home and she has cabin fever and needs to get out. He called me at 6:15 and told me he had another 1 1/2 hours of work. I lost my temper and, after the fact, I felt terrible. He has been working so hard for a boss that is impossible to please in an economy where he has no choice to leave and take another job. Not only is he working himself too hard at this job, he is taking weekend jobs because the pay is crap. I apologized several times, but he woke up sick this morning and I felt terrible all over again. I told him I would do my best to allow him to come home and go straight to bed for the 5-7 days it will take for this virus to pass. I felt like a selfish ass, but I am only attending one meeting a week so I can expect some craziness. I think there's only 7 more weeks of winter left and I am anxiously awaiting spring.
TAGS:
marriage family home

The curse has been lifted...maybe

My husband and I bought a used car 2 1/2 years ago and it was a mistake that we continue to pay for. We had (have) no money and desperately needed a vehicle, so we paid $500 and financed the remaining $3000 on a 1998 Mercury Sable. Twenty four hours after the purchase, the engine light came on and the transmission had to be replaced. We were upset, but the dealer we purchased it from agreed to pay for it. We were still optimistic that everything would be okay. In the next 6 months we replaced the power steering pump, alternator, oil pan gasket, about 75% of the heating and cooling lines, front brakes, and starter. Over the next two years, the repairs continued at a slower, but steady, pace. We spent $500 on the brakes on the back of the car, $300 in tires, and $1000 on the suspension. About 3 weeks ago, the car began to shake at high speeds and I thought, "Here we go again." I took it to the tire guys first, but I was not hopeful. I was just certain that it was another $1000 in suspension work. For the first time in 2 1/2 years, the car gods smiled on us. It was a bad tire and the tire was under warranty. It cost me $8.50. I left the tire place feeling victorious. I actually thought that maybe the car wasn't such a crappy bucket of bolts after all. I parked it in the driveway and hurried inside to share the good news with my husband. We both felt warm and fuzzy. The car gods must have heard us and decided to punish us for celebrating a near miss at the mechanics. We had a cold night last night and my husband decided to try and start my car this morning. No luck. So, Manther and I are worshipping with Elmo videos this morning instead of church. Only 8 more payments to go!
TAGS:
marriage family home home repair

A Hole in the Ceiling

This post is to set things straight with my coworker, L. Occasionally, I come into work and complain about my husband. He is a good husband and father, but he falls behind in the house repairs. Last week I posted a picture of Manther's potty. There is a pretty clear view of the bathroom floor surrounding the potty and it looks great. My husband does floors and we have beautiful ceramic, wood, and vinyl/limestone composition tile in our home. My coworker, L, saw the picture (bless her heart for reading this crappy blog) and immediately labeled me as a husband nag. I felt I had to defend myself so I have supplied two fine examples of negligence with the repairs in our home.

1) The top picture is our kitchen ceiling. It has looked damaged since we moved into the house (2 years ago) and a month ago it broke through completely and dumped water on the floor. It now leaks whenever we get enough rain. I am pretty sure it will fall in on us after a few more days of heavy rain.

2) The bottom picture is our tub and there is a huge gouge in the ceramic along the edge. This has been there since we moved in, also.

In his defense, my husband does work a lot of weekends, the house was obviously a 'fixer-upper', and we are far too broke to contract this work out. So, is the word 'negligent' too strong? I don't think so. My husband manages to find time for every major sporting event. I think it's an issue of priority more than time. I hope my husband reprioritizes before the entire ceiling in on the kitchen floor.

TAGS:
marriage family home home repair

Economic Insecurity

As anyone who has been at enough AA meetings will tell you, there is this excerpt from the AA book called 'the promises' that is read at many meetings and it is my favorite reading. My first six months, my latent bitterness and anger would mount when I heard this reading. I considered it a sales pitch and I was certain the gifts outlined in the promises would never come true for me. I was wrong, just as I am sure many other alcoholics were. As I continued to come to meetings and work the steps with my sponsor, these beautiful miracles unfolded in my life one after another and I was given 10 fold more than I thought was possible.

However, I still struggle with economic insecurity. God has always provided, although sometimes it was tough. My husband sustained a debilitating back injury and ugly relapse 18months ago and I thought we would never get through. I got a second job that I could take the baby to on weekends and we pinched every penny and made it through with lots of tears and prayers. My husband healed and found a job that fit his physical limitations (another miracle since we live in Michigan during the worst economic blight this state has seen). The job is far from perfect, but it is a job. Yesterday, my husband's supervisor once AGAIN took money out of his check because there were two holiday days this week and the asshole rhino just decided not to pay people for holiday days. I am furious and, of course, the bottom line is fear. I am terrified there won't be enough and I feel like this A LOT. My fear of economic insecurity increased exponentially when I had a kid. Suddenly, I have to bring home the bacon or this little being will starve. The reality is we have never really come close to starving and, as I mentioned previously, God has always brought us through. So, why is this fear such a big one for me? My husband (who is really on my sweetheart list right now) is out busting his butt on sidejobs this weekend and I know he has more coming down the pipeline. I am going to straighten this house up and drink some coffee and do some praying while Manther sleeps. I am tired of letting fear rule me.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous work career jobs employment

A Drunk Rhino

Hello everyone (or, more likely no one). It's been a few days since posted because I got behind over the holidays. We were expected to attend lots of gatherings. These occurred primarily with my in-laws, but there was also my husband's office party. I had to see my in-laws three times in 2 days and that was about three times too many. They are sedentary, dull-witted folks whose blunt observations are frequently insulting. I don't think they realized they are insulting because their social skills are stunted from tiny social circles (like only seeing each other). They repeatedly attacked my abilities as a mother by criticizing my daughter's pacifier use and then bought her clothes that make toddlers look like grown-ups rather than the primary-colored, Sesame Street stuff she loves. The gifts were generous. They did the best they could. What the hell ever.

I also had to attend my husbands office party and this was entertaining. The rhino got drunk and told us all about the 70's and his teenage and adult children's sex lives. He is definitely an asshole, but he is so darn entertaining that he is starting to grow on me. I simply don't have the literary skills to describe him accurately. He is about 7 feet tall and really loud. After a few drinks, the filter leaves his brain and he says everything that crosses his mind in this huge bellowing voice. He doesn't stagger or slur, but he runs so freely at the mouth it was fantastic. A few more drinks and I'm sure we could have found out about some extramarital affairs.
TAGS:
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The Rhino Supervisor and AA meetings

A few weeks ago, my husband had to go to a salesman certification seminar. He showed me the literature afterwards so we could laugh at it. The method that was taught involved assigning a personality profile to yourself and your coworkers and then assigning a profile to your potential customers. The profiles were given animal names that summarized the personality type, like weasal, squirrel, rhino. My husband told me his boss (and the owner of the business) was a rhino. I said, "Really, what's a rhino?' He responded, "A really big, loud, pushy asshole." Almost every day, the rhino comes through loud and clear. Yesterday, my husband called to say he had good/bad news. He had a week off, but it was without pay. Apparently, the rhino has raised several children to young adulthood and they have some anti-social tendencies, like repeatedly drinking and driving and hitting their girlfriends. Recently, large lawyer fees had to be paid to defend one of these misfits against some charges he accrued during his latest escapade. Also, the rhino's wife and breeder of these abusive, drunken bastards had to be given a car because she needed a 'pick-me-up' after seeing her child carted off to jail. Needless to say, these necessities cost money and the money has to come from somewhere. So, the rhino decided to ruin Christmas for a few families by subtracting several hundred dollars from their income. Scrooge bastard. My husband doesn't think he actually has the nerve to go through with it. I'm willing to bet that he does.
And, in part two of this post's title, I am going to write about the AA meeting I went to last night. I know this will freak out AA people because this stuff is supposed to be anonymous, but, GUESS WHAT, if I don't use your name it IS anonymous. I go to AA meetings because I qualify (a phrase used constantly at tables) and because I can leave and be me for a while without my husband and daughter. I don't dislike the meetings and sometimes I even enjoy them. This meeting was a pretty boring one. Everybody (myself included) told their stories in the over-the-top, dramatic detail with the focus on trying to save this newcomer who had mistakenly shared she came back to AA because of her boyfriend's encouragement. In the midst of all this, I committed a faux pas. The girl sitting next to me asked if I wanted to lead the table and I declined. I didn't decline for a good reason. I have been sober long enough to lead a table and I have done it a few times, but not since I moved to the suburbs. I am not comfortable in the suburbs and I am definitely not comfortable at AA in the suburbs. I had grown accustomed to the homeless, living in a box, needle-marks on their arms, shoplifting drug addicts and alcoholics that I got sober with in the neighboring small city. I miss these bottom dwellers. The functional housewife alcoholics and six-figure-stressful job alcoholics in the suburbs are a different breed and I am not quite comfortable around them. However, my husband and daughter are really comfortable in the suburbs and I know it is a good environment for families and that is what we have evolved (regressed?) to. So, I'll have to adjust. A few hundred more meetings and I'm sure I'll be able to relate to the high class folks.
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