A Drunk Rhino

Hello everyone (or, more likely no one). It's been a few days since posted because I got behind over the holidays. We were expected to attend lots of gatherings. These occurred primarily with my in-laws, but there was also my husband's office party. I had to see my in-laws three times in 2 days and that was about three times too many. They are sedentary, dull-witted folks whose blunt observations are frequently insulting. I don't think they realized they are insulting because their social skills are stunted from tiny social circles (like only seeing each other). They repeatedly attacked my abilities as a mother by criticizing my daughter's pacifier use and then bought her clothes that make toddlers look like grown-ups rather than the primary-colored, Sesame Street stuff she loves. The gifts were generous. They did the best they could. What the hell ever.

I also had to attend my husbands office party and this was entertaining. The rhino got drunk and told us all about the 70's and his teenage and adult children's sex lives. He is definitely an asshole, but he is so darn entertaining that he is starting to grow on me. I simply don't have the literary skills to describe him accurately. He is about 7 feet tall and really loud. After a few drinks, the filter leaves his brain and he says everything that crosses his mind in this huge bellowing voice. He doesn't stagger or slur, but he runs so freely at the mouth it was fantastic. A few more drinks and I'm sure we could have found out about some extramarital affairs.
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Christmas Shopping and A Women's Timeshare

I went Christmas shopping yesterday. I loathe shopping. I have suffocating anxiety the entire shopping trip because we barely pay our bills and do not have money to spend on scarves and Nintendo games. On top of this, I am clausterphobic in the crowded stores with humming fluorescent lights and I usually end up with a great, big nauseating headache. I try to shop online, but shipping and handling and all that stuff can really add up. Yesterday I decided to brave the crowds for one hour because I had $60 in gift cards to the local department store and I could get the sweats, shoes, and sleepers that my husband and daughter needed for Christmas. I saw signs all over the store that advertised 15% OFF FOR OPENING A STORE CREDIT CARD. I decided to do this and save money. None of the signs mentioned that the charges for the items you just purchased have to go onto the credit card to obtain these savings. I realized this at the end of the transaction and, with a humiliated, red face, I insisted that the whole transaction be reversed. I obviously cannot pay a credit card bill with gift cards. Everyone was tense and irritable and had no problem verbalizing how annoyed they were that I was too poor to pay a credit card bill when it arrived. Merry Christmas!!

My coworker and I frequently commiserate on the constant demands put on working mothers, especially during the holidays when the financial and familial demands skyrocket. Our solution is the women's timeshare. I know most timeshares are extravagant getaways on beaches or ski slopes. The women's timeshare can be simple. All we want is a small apartment with a clean bathroom, a bed, a television, a few books, and a stash of gourment foods and coffees. Most importantly, our families (immediate and extended) must not know it exists and cannot contact us while we are there. A few days in the timeshare and I might even be able to tackle more Christmas shopping.
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Christmas holidays shopping

Christmas Inflatables

I learned a new technique today and I am showing it off by including these pictures in my post. These pictures are compliments of my brother- in- law and I find them hysterical. This is a yard in a residential neighborhood and displayed in the yard are the homeowner's interpretation of Christmas decorations. I was never a big fan of these blow-up things. I find them tacky and a bit over the top. This guy has completely redefined 'over the top'. I know it is hard to accurately decipher from this picture, but I believe there are upwards of 30 of these gigantic things in this yard. Let's do some math with this. If he paid $70 a piece, that's $2000 to make your yard look like a freaky cemetary for cartoon characters! Kudos to you blow-up dude for going all the way and not wimping out no matter how much the neighbors complained!

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Christmas holidays Christmas inflatables Christmas decorations

My Christmas Tree Smells Like a Head Shop

I decorated a Christmas tree the past several days and today I woke up and noticed a heavy, musty, somewhat sultry odor in my living room. I was more than a little disturbed and I sniffed all the objects in the living room until I found the source, my Christmas tree. I purchased garland, lights, and a snow blanket at a Christmas store and I think this was an error in judgement. The store changes with the seasons. Over the past several months it’s been a Halloween store, a Thanksgiving store, and now a Christmas store. No matter what the season, it has bright floor tiles in primary colors because in it’s previous life it was a laser tag/fun zone for kids’ birthday parties. I have to admire the entrepreneur for exploiting the shopping season so efficiently, but at the same time I question whether he should be burning that incense that we all associate with things that are definitely not Christmasy. I saw the person I would presume is the owner behind the counter and he also did not look very Christmasy. He looked like he would have been more comfortable filming gay porn. The question I am asking myself today is this, “Why did I purchase Christmas decorations that smell of freaky sex from a man who looked like he films freaky sex?” I have no answer. However, I must have enjoyed the smell in the store on some level in because the odor did not seem unusual or offensive until today.
In case anyone is waiting for an update, the organism living in my husband is slowly exiting his body. The prescription cream is working and the bug is moving on. So, I guess my husband is not secret agent man, or he’s onto me and administered the antidote to himself rather than reveal his true identity. I did ask him for a picture of the ‘ring’ for my blog yesterday. Maybe that tipped him off….
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rel="tag"Christmas holidays Christmas decorations ringworm marriage