I had a baby

I guess this isn't a shock based on my previous post. On 12/4 beautiful my second beautiful baby girl came into the world and it was a pleasantly uneventful planned C section. She is fantastic and calm and easy and likes to sleep and she's a perfect fit for our family. To my great surprise, my extremely sensitive, high strung, high maintenance 3 year old loves her sister and hasn't tried to kill her....yet.
I am back at work and even that is okay. I only feel overwhelmed sometimes and I can usually breathe my way through it. I am meeting and trying to connect with moms in recovery and, although I can't say I have met anyone who can replace my 'we got sober together' sisters, I have started building some new relationships. I attended a birthday party for a friend I have in the program and saw many folks I haven't seen in years and I loved showing off my girls!!
Life is still a wonderful gift and I am happy and grateful to be here. I want to post more and maybe that will happen, but if it doesn't that is okay too.

I got pregnant

It is so sad that I haven't posted, blogged, or read blogs in eight months. I miss this part of my day. I got swept away with so many distractions, good distractions, that I couldn't keep up. Even though I am posting now and thinking I will start posting regularly again, there is a voice in my head telling me that I am not being honest with myself about the number of hours in the day and the number of directions I have split myself.
The list of good distractions includes a few good experiments and the race for manuscript preparation so we can stay funded, pregnancy in the middle of March, and somewhere between 2-3 students in the laboratory all summer with lots of needs and questions. I raced through every day and to meet the immediate needs at work and home and I don't remember looking at anything on the internet unless I absolutely needed to. Half the manuscripts are published now, although we still have two more to do in the immediate future. I am due in 6 weeks and, aside from a little diabetes, this has been a pretty easy pregnancy. The students went back to school and are here far less often. This little extra time may give me the opportunity to blog, or this may be the lull before the next storm.
If it matters to anyone reading (and it might have mattered to me if I were reading this), I was struggling with infertility and it was very frustrating. My husband and I tried more than 20 times (like two years) and the disappointments were overwhelming. We made a decision to not pursue invasive, expensive fertility options even though the fertility doc who checked us out recommended some. It happened for us and I am very glad that we did things the way we did. I am not saying we were right and everyone else who handles infertility differently was wrong, but I am comfortable with the path with took even though it was painful at times.
Hubby and Manther (the 3 1/2 year old) are doing well. Hubby is extremely active in AA and runs two meetings and is going to a men's retreat this weekend. His performance at work has apparently been great (at least in my mind) and he is now top salesman and store manager. He has a lot of pressure, but handles it well most of the time. Manther is quite a big girl now, even though she refuses to cooperate and use the potty, and seems very happy in her older preschool room at daycare. She is not happy about having a little sister, but she is a diva/princess and I did not expect gracious acceptance of a new sibling to share stuff with. She will adjust and in 20 years she will probably love her new sister.
I go to my one AA meeting and week and church on Sunday. I am not as active in AA as hubby is, but that is where I am right now and life will change when the kids get older and I will have more free time for meeting and fellowship. I get lots of phone calls in to friends and family members and I feel happy and not isolated.
That's it for now. Today I look forward to finishing my day at work and going home to delouse my child and my house after a note a received regarding an outbreak at daycare. Always something to look forward to...

Prayers for Hubby

The title of this post sounds terrible and, no, my husband does not have a deadly disease. I am feeling so sad because he has the worst boss I have ever seen and I am watching it change him. He is becoming agitated and insomnia is creeping in. His self-esteem is being chipped away despite the fact that I am desperately trying to hug, kiss, and complement at every turn.
My husband works in flooring sales is employed at a small, family-owned company. The owner is an alcoholic ( I don't care if it's inappropriate for me to make this statement, I'm calling a spade a spade today) and has two adult sons who also have chemical dependency issues that have landed them in jail several times. Of course, their lifestyle is costly with the car accidents, lawyer fees, and the price of liquor/drugs and, it seems to be my husband's responsibility to support their habits. Every employee except for my husband and the warehouse manager have quit. I wish Hubby could quit, too, but I am not sure what is worse for your self esteem, permanent unemployment and bankruptcy or lunatic bosses? We look EVERY day for a new job. Occasionally, an opening appears and we jump on it. No calls yet.
Hubby has not missed a day of work in two years. He is scheduled for a 45 hr week with no sick time, paid time off, benefits or commission. His hourly pay is ~ $14 and hour. He does not get reimbursed for the gas or the cell phone that is used constantly in his sales position. He typically works 10 hours more a week than he is scheduled. He got no Christmas bonus this year despite the fact that he was promised one (he is a salesman who laid a floor for free in the new expanded showroom and was told "Thanks buddy, I'll get ya at Christmas). He was informed of an unpaid lay-off over Christmas and then was called back for 4 days during the middle of the lay-off. He was only compensated for 3 of the 4 days. His paycheck for the first full week of work after Christmas was $150 short. There is no real reason given for the cuts in pay. Sometimes the owner indicates sales are down, but my husband and the warehouse manager both see the books and are quite aware that this is a lie. Sometimes the owner just promises to make up the difference later. This never happens.
The one thing the owner does do is make sure you feel like you aren't worthy of the check you are getting and, despite the craziness of it all, I think Hubby is starting to believe it. I know it's a lie. On top of the professionalism and responsibility Hubby has displayed during his employment, he is averaging $30,000 a month in sales. This is the equivalent of the owner's sales and the owner makes sure to take the best sales leads and cuts prices beyond the stated parameters to make his quota. I keep assuring my husband that he is a wonderful husband, father, and employee with a terrible job. My words cannot reverse the effect of the abusive relationship and Hubby's behaviors are starting to scare me.
About two weeks ago, he told me he was wearing sweats to work one Sunday. I tried to insist this was a bad idea and I can't remember if he went through with it or not. On Saturday, he decided to shut and lock the door of the store 15 minutes early. The boss stopped by and confronted him. Hubby didn't really defend himself, but just mentioned he had another job scheduled and was in a hurry (this is the truth, he works on the side installing because his pay is crap). The owner said they would discuss it later. If this discussion would occur in a professional format, Hubby would invite it as an opportunity to vent some frustration. However, the owner likes to humiliate his employees and will wait until several family members and the warehouse manager are present and loudly point out that Hubby was trying to steal hours from him.
I love Hubby and he has grown so much in the past two and half years. I am terrified that this job will eventually enrage him to the point that he beats the hell out of his boss or relapses or both. I am praying, praying, praying every morning. Usually, I am praying out loud in the car. I am asking for your prayers,also. Apparently, God has a little trouble HEARING when I am praying alone (yes, that is my frustration speaking). Please give Hubby a better job option before the abusive relationship destroys him.

No good reason

Hello everyone, or anyone who might still be stopping by to see if I will ever post again. Thank you for the care and concern expressed in the comments after I went MIA. I suppose I owe an explanation. Maybe I don't. I guess I'll give one anyway. I don't think there is one specific reason I stopped posting. I did not relapse and I have actually gotten quite comfortable as part of the AA community in the suburbs. This is something I thought would never happen. My husband and I are still married, employed, and sober. Given the current state of the economy, the unemployment rate in Michigan, and the fact that we are both recovering addicts, these are all miracles.
I did ponder whether the blog was a good investment of my time. It certainly hasn't been a windfall financially and, if I spent my blog time researching investments and playing with small sums of money, I could probably be more successful. I opened a Sharebuilder account and I am working on learning a bit about the world of stocks and trading. I have a brother-in-law and sister-in-law who do a lot of this stuff and, don't worry, I won't invest more than I can afford to lose.
I have certainly been moody. I haven't been able to get pregnant again after a year plus of trying. We had some visits to the fertility doc and there is nothing really wrong, although some of the numbers aren't optimal. I am on meds, but they don't appear to be enhancing the process. The reality is this: Our chances of a second child are slipping away. I certainly realize that we could drive ourselves thousands of dollars into debt and try to force a pregnancy. I am terrified by debt and the cost of a second would be enough of a burden without starting out $15,000 in the hole. Not to mention, we could have multiples and where would that leave us? $2400 a month for double infant daycare? I quit my job and eliminate all our benefits? More than any of this, I won't seek invasive fertility treatments because I don't want the theories of western medicine to become my God. I believe in the power of the Almighty, if I am supposed to have a second child, it will happen with or without pills, injections, and implants.
I am sad and more than little bit angry at times, but I know that this is part of acceptance and healing. Many bloggers write to work through their pain. Not me. When the pain is great, I get busy. I clean, sort, organize, do home repairs, attend social events, and create a frenzied life that doesn't allow me time to mourn. There are many who would say this isn't healthy. I don't care whether it is or not. It is a better coping skill than getting high. I have been doing that for a few months and I am ready to slow down now. Does this mean I will actively blog again? I haven't decided yet.
Thank you all for listening. If anyone reads this and thinks about leaving a comment suggesting that I will get pregnant and I need to 'relax' or 'be patient' or, worse yet, tell me some other infertile woman's success story, please don't leave the comment. I do know that there is a chance of pregnancy, however, I am 38 and my husband is 52 and our time is limited. I really feel that focusing on acceptance is healthier than creating false hope.

Absenteeism

Here's some more sidewalk chalk art for you to enjoy compliments of the girls on my block.
I have hardly been posting and I am missing my blog time very much. Thank you all for the support you gave on my last post. I guess I didn't clarify that I was not the one giving the presentation. The resident in our lab gave the presentation, but I had to mingle with the doctor types during the scheduled lectures. I got frustrated because the resident did not prepare properly and his presentation made him, our supervisor, and our research look shoddy. As a result of my frustration, I called him an asshole when I was in the women's bathroom and the director of our department was in the next stall. My coworker was with me and tried to make nice conversation with the director and pretend like there wasn't a lunatic cursing in the bathroom, but there is only so much you can do to clean up a situation like that. You can take the girl out the the streets, but you can't always take the streets out of the girl.

Here's an update:

Nael - She is working her tail off for another presentation her boss will do in England in one week. The data is not coming together very well and it is making her cranky. Also, she is working long hours and this is making her cranky. The upside is she no longer feels like an outsider at her weekly AA meeting because she has to spew so much emotion/frustration at tables to stay sane that everyone feels like they know everything about her. Her sister has gone to St. Louis and this is sad, but they still stay in contact with almost daily phone calls and she is looking forward to visits. Apparently, she is never going to get pregnant and have a second baby. She could not even find an LH surge the past two months and is getting tired of mandatory, unspontaneous sex when she does occasionally surge.

Manther - She has learned where the park is in relation to the house and has a tantrum everytime we drive, bike, or walk by it unless we stop and play. When mommy is having a bad day, she has to drive out of her way to avoid the park because she can't tolerate the tantrum. A few days ago, Manther received some cotten candy from the neighbor and mommy cut her off after she had consumed generous amounts of it. When Manther found that the the tantrum wasn't getting her what she wanted, she went over to the neighbor and asked for more candy. Mommy was quite embarassed. Manther's terrible twos do have some positives. She does not have meltdowns when I leave her at daycare or with sitters and she is becoming a lot of fun to interact with when she isn't being a stubborn, demanding, little cuss.

Hubby - Hubby works all the time now. He worked 14 hours yesterday and he will work 16 today and probably 12 hours days all weekend. He has worked something like 21 days straight and I just pray he doesn't collapse. He has been cranky, but I forgive him.

I promise to check posts tomorrow and see where everyone is at. I can't make any promises about the next week, but I do know that on 7/9/7 the boss takes the data I have and I get some of my life back.

Happy 4th everyone.

Greater Than and Less Than

One of my struggles in recovery is trying to be 'right sized'. When I moved out of my safety zone and into the suburbs, my insecurity escalated and I noticed I was comparing myself to others (with a fully skewed perspective) and assigning rank. This behavior is very sick, self-centered, and dangerous. I end up being arrogant or feeling worthless and both extremes will lead me to a drink if I don't keep my thinking in check.

The people who send me into the worst spiral with this behavior are wealthy people. I am intimidated and terrified of them. When I am with them, I monitor their behavior closely. This is partially due to my need to imitate them so I don't do anything improper. But, I also keep a mental list of any character defects I can detect. I guess I feel this list somehow brings them closer to my level. Very sick. Yes, I know. I am working on it. My rational mind knows that there are lots of very decent people who happen to have comfortable incomes. They genuinely care about others and will not call the police just because an unfamiliar, low income person is in their neighborhood. However, my rational mind is often drowned out by fear when I am stuck in a real life situation.

Saturday night we were invited to the very nice home of my husband's sponsor and he is quite well off. I prepped like I was getting ready for a date. I dyed my hair, plucked my eyebrows, waxed, shaved, primped, and tried on 3 outfits. I also forced Manther into a little summer dress and had fits about whether or not she would behave. My husband will never admit it, but he was nervous, too. He was anxious about us being late and took inventory and commented on how nice Manther and I looked. I think the last time he commented on my looks was our wedding day. We arrived and managed to visit and converse pretty well, but I constantly felt like I was talking too much and I second guessed everything that came out of my mouth. We ate ice cream on the deck and then walked over to the golf course (yes, his home is on a golf course) to watch a firework display. It was a nice evening and I enjoyed the company and Manther enjoyed his daughters. But, the next day I was so exhausted from the stress of what should have been a simple evening with friends.

Today, I have to go to a series of presentations with a bunch of doctors. I am totally stressed out. I have worked with a few of them and they really have all been nice to me. Why do I let this stuff freak me out so much? I feel like I am walking on eggshells when I am around fancy folks. I have been sober a while, but I still cuss too much and talk too much and I am not exactly classy. I like classy. I have seen women who wear it well and I admire them. I think I have to be sober and working steps another decade before I can naturally be one of them.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

The best job of all

Last night was meeting night and I am pleased to say that I was able to feel pretty comfortable at my table again. I am learning names and faces and I don't feel like a stranger in a foreign land. The table was about resentments and many shared about resentments related to their jobs. I heard about condescending bosses and demanding customers and backstabbing coworkers. I was filled with gratitude because I have an awesome job today.

Before recovery, I had a high-stress, big-money pharmaceutical job. I lost it due to crappy using behavior and it was one of my drunken regrets. In the back of my mind, I intended to return to that type of job when I was sober enough to handle the stress. Barely employable in early sobriety, I took whatever job came along, short order cook at Bill Knapp's, meat counter at Meijer (I really liked this job and almost stayed), and cashier at the local Alano Club (terrible, cruel, condescending boss, lots of 13 steppers, not all things recovery are good). After two years of sobriety, my sponsor told me I could move on and put in resumes related to my previous career.

I left a big black mark on my record in the pharmaceutical industry, so I applied at the local academic research institution initially. I was given a chance by a kind MD/professor and worked hard for him. I continued to watch the job openings and, almost a year after he hired me, I got an interview at a pharmaceutical company. I really thought this was where I was supposed to be and I was crushed when I was not offered the job. I worked through it with the help of the program and got comfortable with the job I had. We bought a house and got pregnant and, in my 3rd month, I found out our project had lost funding.

I was really shaken and more than a little bit angry. Why would God refuse me the tasty pharmaceutical job and also take away my humble academic position? I am the primary income and insurance carrier in our little family. I had a baby on the way and had no choice but to interview with my protruding belly. I was hired by the most amazing boss ever. She is a pediatric MD, a surgeon, a researcher, and mother of 4. She is one of the smartest people I have ever met, yet she respects my opinion and decisions and is grateful for the work I do. My first year working for her, I missed time for childbirth, my husband's car accident, back injury, relapse related court dates and parenting classes, and back surgery. On top of all this, Manther was diagnosed with 5 earaches her first year in daycare and I had to drag her out of daycare and to the doc's numerous times. I was ashamed of my trailer trash life and all the work I missed, but I tried to stay on top of things and be focused at work. She never criticized me or questioned all the personal time, but instead told me I was doing a great job and gave me a merit raise.

There is nothing I dread about coming into work and I could never have picked a job that allows me to split my time between mother, wife, and employee. God had to pick this job for me. That pharmaceutical job I wanted? That company shut it's doors this year and I would have been standing in an unemployment line if I had gotten my way 3 years ago. I am so grateful God took care of me and put me where I am today. I only wish I had been more accomodating while he was working things out for me.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

Nael finally has a meeting

Yes, it's true. I went to my Wednesday night meeting and I was sort of comfortable for the first time in suburban AA. I knew almost everyone at the table and it was suggested I lead. Last time this was suggested, I led with the format that is typically used at that meeting, i.e. lots of table leader feedback, and it felt awkward and uncomfortable. This time I decided to just do it the way I was comfortable. We shared around the table and I shared last and I think everyone, including me, thought it was a good table. Whew! I might be able to get some recovery in the suburbs yet.
The downer is that a very active, long-time member of AA in our community has lost his job. It was quite a good job and he is taking it hard. Jobs are so scarce in this state and I would be surprised if he is able to find employment without relocating. If he leaves the state, he leaves behind a daughter who lives with his ex-wife. I am sure he will still get visits with her, but they will probably go from once a week to once every 6 months. Everyone please send M your prayers so he can make it through this and still remain an active part of his daughter's life.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

3rd step prayer

I'm working on the third step today and it's a struggle for me. It's really gets in the way of what I want and I HATE not getting what I want.

It was a beautiful weekend and we celebrated Manther's birthday. This meant lawn mowing and housecleaning and shopping and cooking all scrunched into Saturday day so we could decorate and celebrate on Sunday. Of course, hubby was working both days so I was running around like crazy. I am getting used to this and I didn't mind. Also, I had to take 2 hours out of my day on Sunday to run materials to hubby's job site, but I didn't mind this, either. I could squeeze it in before the party and I was able to help him out. I really love my family, house, and home life and I like being able to throw myself into the weekends and get stuff done.

The weather was beautiful and the extended family came over for the party and the meal was yummy because Grandma helped cook it (I was running materials to the job site, remember?). Then, grandma (my mom) pulled me aside and told me that my dad got drunk, drove, and ran into their garage door. He didn't just hit it. He drove all the way to the middle of the garage before she ran out to stop him. His drinking is out of control and, if we don't get him into treatment, he's going to kill somebody. Mom's going to make some phone calls to determine what we can get him into and we're going to proceed with an intervention.

I don't want to do this. I just want it to go away. I just struggled through my husband's first couple years of sobriety and I'm not prepared to go through the drama with someone else. I want to fix up my house and have another baby and make more money and move to a nicer neighborhood and be Ward and Beverly Cleaver. Apparently, this is not what God had planned. I am praying and I am praying and trying to accept his will. It might be a while before I have peaceful and serene acceptance of this situation, but at least I am working that direction.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

Spring!

Spring finally showed itself this weekend. The list of housework and yard work was so long, that I barely visited my blog late last night. I definitely feel a sense of accomplishment and I have the aching bones that go along with this. I seeded the bare spots in the lawn and planted a little tree. I wanted to include a picture of it, but I ran out of time. Maybe later in the week. I also replaced the screen in my patio screen door (this is a terrible job), cleaned a bit of the house, mowed the lawn, laundry, grocery shopping, church, and a meeting. My child was left to raise herself most of the weekend with my racing around the house and my husband working 7 days, but the weather was nice and she didn't seem to mind very much. I did enough mothering to throw some Cheerios, cheese, and juice out on her picnic table every couple of hours and reapply the sunscreen. She sure was dirty when I finally brought her in. Yikes. I wonder if the neighbors noticed a filthy child wandering the back yard unattended for hours. Oh well, none of the authorities showed up so I guess it was okay.

The big news is that I got to go to a meeting this weekend. I am usually only allowed one a week because hubby's attendance is mandatory due to probation and someone does have to stay home with the little one. However, a girl I used to support was in treatment in our neighborhood and feeling a bit isolated, so I paid the buck for a babysitter and I went and supported her. It was wonderful to see her, although I wish it was under better circumstances. Her road trip was rough and she was feeling miserable. She had a few years sober, but went off of her meds (she's bipolar I think) and started with self-destructive behavior that ended with using. She kept telling me how homesick she was. She doesn't have a home to return to, but she desperately wants to return to her hometown and is waiting on a 3/4 house there. I can relate. She is from Ann Arbor. I got sober in Ann Arbor and have lived there half of my life. Ann Arbor is a decent size college town and, in my opinion, a great place to live. I have always considered it home. The level of diversity and culture has made it a really unique place on the map of Michigan. When you travel 20 minutes outside of Ann Arbor, the 'feel' of your environment changes dramatically. My husband and I bought a home outside of Ann Arbor and, although it is a nice neighborhood and a great place to raise a family, I have been homesick ever since my move. I am adjusting SLOWLY and I know I will feel comfortable as a suburban housewife eventually. My friend doesn't have to make the adjustment. She can return home after her brief stay in treatment and I reminded her of that. She appreciated the visit and I appreciated being able to sit and laugh with the treatment folks.

So, now back to work. I am trying to stay focused today so I can get the heck out of here and back into the sun before it leaves us. Happy blogging everyone!
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

The ugly face of resentment

Yes, it's returned to ruin our serenity and steal our peace. Of course, I am referring to the ugly face of resentment. A few months back, my husband returned to to meetings very actively following a relapse. He started picking up a friend who needed a ride very regularly. The friend also needed a ride to the meeting I attend so I pick him up and take him on Wednesdays. Well, we did him a couple of fav0rs and didn't set boundaries properly and things have become uncomfortable. My husband would buy him cigarettes or pick up the tab when the group went out for coffee afterwards. The cigarette money has escalated to $200 of borrowed money and the cup of coffee has turned into a full meal at least once a week. My husband even started avoiding his home group so he could avoid buying this guy dinner. The icing on the cake is that the dude smoked in my car. Now, I used to smoke and smoke a lot and I might be more forgiving of this, BUT, I have a daughter with terrible congestion problems who rides in that car everyday. So, I built a case against this guy (he's not disabled from Hep C, I worked with Hep C, why are my taxes paying for his meal ticket, you get the picture) I fully understand that he is only doing what any other fine, red blooded, move-shootin, ex druggie alkie would do in the same situation, but he's doing it to me and I hate being the sucker. So, my husband called his sponsor last night and I am going to call 'my girls' today and we will work on polite ways to say, "Quit spending my money and poisining my child,' or something like that.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

Blessings

Easter is almost over and what a beautiful day it was. It was grey, cold, and snowy, but that didn't matter. We were able to gather with family members and enjoy each other's company and my spirit is renewed. I have so many gratitudes right now and I just wanted to jump online and list a few.

1) Hubby and Manther
2) The extended family on both sides
2) Above all, my higher power who I'll call God. He has shown me nothing but goodness and mercy every day, but I am especially conscious of this on Easter because of the overwhelming sacrifice he made in his son, Jesus.

There are so many days in the past when I thought life was not worth living, but he chose to save me anyway and I am able to enjoy my beautiful family and my continued life on this earth because of his grace. I pray tonight (and hopefully tomorrow if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing) that I can always remember his generous spirit and let it guide me in my daily life.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

The 'Little' Things

I am sure many of you have seen this, but I had not until today. My mom sent it to me because she knows I am a 'get out of my way I got stuff to do, hurry hurry hurry' person. I thought it was a great reminder. As an afterthought I want to add, my mother is a Christian woman but not in the program. However, her email includes one of my favorite AA affirmations, "this is exactly where God wants me to be at this moment".


As you might know, the head of a company survived
9/11 because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was
his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her
alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
because of an auto accident.
One of them
missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
time to change.
One's
car wouldn't start.
One went back to
answer the telephone .
One had a
child that dawdled
and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.
One couldn't
get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man
who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
took the various means to get to work
but before he got there, he developed
a blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am
stuck in traffic ,
miss an elevator,
turn back to answer a ringing telephone...
all the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
this is exactly where
God wants me to be at this very moment..

Next time your morning seems to be
going wrong;
the children are slow getting dressed,
you can't seem to find the car keys,
you hit every traffic light,
don't get mad or frustrated;
God is at work watching over you.

May God continue to bless you
with all those annoying little things
and may you remember their possible purpose.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

Lucky me

About 20 months ago, I was not sure I would be able to stay married to my husband. We are both in recovery and he had relapsed. He was prescribed narcotic painkillers following a car accident that had resulted in agonizing back pain. He had been sober 14 years and I didn't think about monitoring the prescription or his behaviors. He became a royal ___hole and intolerable to be around. On the fateful day, I received a phone call at work saying he had been arrested for driving erratically and leaving our 4 month old infant home alone. I did not know this at the time, but he was taking Vicodin, Zanac, and marijuana. The only thing that I did know at that time was my baby was not safe. I left work and went home, packed, and Manther and I moved out with no intention of returning.

CPS called and said we (hubby and me) had to meet with them at our home. I told them that I did not live there anymore and the baby was safe and the meeting was unnecessary. It's not quite that simple. We had to meet so CPS could get all the details. We did this and I found that I could not just run out of the house and hide with the baby. The baby and I had a right to a home (I guess that's good) and my hubby had the right to try and change (not really wanting to accept that one). So, they set up a bunch of rules for us and left. I was mean as a snake and hating hubby so much. I wouldn't even let him near the baby for weeks. He did not retaliate, but instead focused on his recovery and made his way to outpatient and meetings regularly. Eventually, he put himself back together and has become a wonderful husband, father, and employee.

I didn't know exactly what I wanted to post about today, so I read some other blogs. I hit upon a few that griped about husbands and I surely have griped about mine in my blog. But, my most honest deep down emotion is that I am proud of how hard he worked to overcome his demon and unendingly grateful that he is able to be a part of our lives today.
TAGS:
marriage family home alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

Grateful for the Newcomer

I was able to attend my meeting last night and it was very powerful. There was an emotional newcomer at the meeting and her presence absolutely focused the meeting the right direction. When I was the newcomer, I heard people say. "The newcomer is the most important person at the meeting," and I thought it was a little mantra they used to remind themselves to be nice to the new folks. I see this in a totally different light today. I have sat at many tables where I or other recovering alcoholics who have been sober a little while are focused on the struggles of living life on life's terms. We are unable to find peace and serenity because we are so focused on what we see as VERY BIG problems. The presence of a newcomer who has come to the tables desperately seeking help reminds us how hopeless life used to be and how fantastic the promises of AA really are. Everything is put into perspective and the mountains transform into the molehills they really are. I am grateful for the sobriety and perspective God has given me today.

TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

HALT

I've been told in the program that HALT is an acronym that means hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. When I recovering alcoholic finds themself in this situation, it is suggested that they stop what they are doing and address their needs. If you ignore these needs, you may find yourself in relapse mode or just plain acting out. That's what I did yesterday. I am still run down from vacation and I have been doing a extra at the house because of the empty refrigerator and piles of laundry that accumulate when traveling. The fatigue has made me cranky. My coworker (who really is a nice guy despite my bitching) had a brief discussion with my boss and I felt one of my decisions was questioned. I don't really know if that's what anyone was thinking, but I was an irritable cuss and I got bent out of shape (you will respect with authoriti!). Fortunately, it was the end of the day and I was able to leave rather than get defensive. I still bitched about the situation a lot even though I wasn't at work. Everyone who crossed paths with me last night this morning got to hear my overly dramatic tale of woe. As the day wears on, I'm slowly crawling towards a saner place in my head. Tonight is my meeting night and I really looking forward to it. I bet everyone I work/live with is looking forward to it, too.
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My recovery is my own responsibility

A few weeks ago I was contacted by a friend who I spent a lot of time with before I got sober. I lost touch with this friend when the drugs took control and I began my slalom ride downhill. She inquired about my life and I told her bluntly why we lost contact, how I got sober, and how wonderful my life is today. While summarizing the lost years and my recovery, I mentioned that my boyfriend at the time we knew each other was worthless. She replied with a friendly email about her life and expressed how glad she was that I was healthy again. She indicated it was my ex-boyfriend's fault I was strung out on drugs and I was lucky to be rid of him. I wanted to disagree, but I felt she would misinterpret my words as a tender heart rather than a woman owning her part in something. My ex used drugs. That was one of the things that attracted me to him. I begged him to let me try heroin and I watched him cry when I put needles in my arms. He was not an upstanding citizen or a healthy person at all, but he was also not responsible for my drug use. My abuse of drugs and alcohol was my responsibility, just as my recovery is my resposibility. I left him behind because he would have jeopardized my sobriety, but I am not sober merely because I left him behind. If I had not found recovery, I would have found another worthless man that fit my drugs and alcohol lifestyle.
My old friend lives many states away from me now. It was great to hear from her, but I am glad she is a distance away. My recovering friends won't let me pin the blame on an ex-boyfriend, an abusive parent, or a cheating spouse. It is my responsibility to live in recovery and I want my friends to hold me accountable.
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A little better

Thanks everyone for tolerating my ranting this week. I am feeling a little better today after going to a meeting last night. I am still frustrated, but I did get some peace from one of the ladies at the meeting. She asked, "If you have to choose between your husband's sobriety and increasing the family's income, which would you choose?" He has told me he is not ready to make a change and, although that is selfish, it is perfectly acceptable for someone to be selfish when it comes to their sobriety. I am still feeling a little neglected by my higher power. I am reminding myself that the bills are paid and that translates into my higher power taking care of me. The house repairs and car replacements will come eventually. I hope Manther can put herself through college. Meanwhile, I am working on letting go and letting God.
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Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday and I am not going to church. I feel guilty about this, but I have to choose between church and a meeting and I really need a meeting. I have been focusing on a meeting for 3 days and I have been psycho, cranky, and had occasional using thoughts for 3 days and I desperately need to get right.

My head is a terrible place and I am alone with it right now. I work with a small group and everyone is out of the office for the day. Typically, I enjoy this situation. Today it scares me. This is the worst my head has been in the last 6-12 months and I am struggling to pull out of it.

I am praying, praying, praying and calling people. I am so self-centered right now that I can barely make conversation. I tell them I am in a bad space, they kindly encourage and suggest a reading, then the phone call ends. I do the reading and don't care much about what it says. I walk away and do it again later. Same result.

I have been here before and I know it will improve. I will keep taking the suggestions and keep telling on myself and do my best to stay focused on the task at hand and out of my wretched head.

I still hate my husband and I think he is a selfish bastard. However, I chose the selfish bastard, so whose fault is this really? I am mad at God because I feel like he is punishing us by keeping us in poverty. I feel like I have no faith right now and I cannot see God's kindness or benevolence and I am struggling to align my will with his.

I know. Third step prayer. Bondage of self..Do they will... blah, blah, blah.

Did I mention how screwed up my thought processes are right now?

I am going to do some work and pick up my kid and go to a meeting.
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Less than grateful

I have not posted in a few days and I am super cranky this morning. There is no real reason for it. I had what should have been a pleasant, uneventful weekend. Manther was healthy and I got the house cleaned and some other crap done. The only disappointment I experienced was that I couldn't get the CD drive to work well enough to reformat my home computer this weekend and I can't say that this was surprising. It is a hand-me-down piece of crap. I feel the pressure of not having enough money, but this has become an unchanging constant for us and most other young families I know. My husband has been doing everything possible to make extra money and his efforts have kept the bills paid. That's more than many others have in Michigan right now.
While I was traveling the course of planes, trains, and automobiles that is required for me to get to work, I tried some tricks to pull myself out of my terrible, mean, irritable state of mind. I started to make a list of gratitudes and it turned sarcastic very quickly (like, grateful God has given us enough to survive but not enough to live like decent human beings). I started to pray for help and then I got afraid. I was afraid God would show me how to be grateful for what I have by delivering some hideousness on someone in my life. Then, I imagined snorting heroin. I was sitting on the shuttle from the parking lot and my addict traveled to the place in my memory where I could re-experience the burn, bitterness, and euphoria. I got really scared and I shut my eyes and forced myself to 'play the tape through'. I sitting on the damp, cement curb in Detroit at 7:30 in the morning waiting for the dopehouse to start business. I was sick, homeless, and hopeless. I was staring at the gas station across the street and watching the normals gas up and go to work. I desperately wanted to be normal again and I promised myself, if I was ever able to get out of the craziness and get healthy, I would never take my employment or daily life for granted again. Then, I put myself in the present day and I saw Manther. As far as she knows, mommy will always be there and always be able to supply the food and attention she needs. I don't ever want her to know any reality aside from this. I pulled it together and I got my head screwed on straight enough to get into the office and start my day. God has given and continues to give me many gifts in this program and I have to continue to stay focused on this.
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