Monday, February 19, 2007

Less than grateful

I have not posted in a few days and I am super cranky this morning. There is no real reason for it. I had what should have been a pleasant, uneventful weekend. Manther was healthy and I got the house cleaned and some other crap done. The only disappointment I experienced was that I couldn't get the CD drive to work well enough to reformat my home computer this weekend and I can't say that this was surprising. It is a hand-me-down piece of crap. I feel the pressure of not having enough money, but this has become an unchanging constant for us and most other young families I know. My husband has been doing everything possible to make extra money and his efforts have kept the bills paid. That's more than many others have in Michigan right now.
While I was traveling the course of planes, trains, and automobiles that is required for me to get to work, I tried some tricks to pull myself out of my terrible, mean, irritable state of mind. I started to make a list of gratitudes and it turned sarcastic very quickly (like, grateful God has given us enough to survive but not enough to live like decent human beings). I started to pray for help and then I got afraid. I was afraid God would show me how to be grateful for what I have by delivering some hideousness on someone in my life. Then, I imagined snorting heroin. I was sitting on the shuttle from the parking lot and my addict traveled to the place in my memory where I could re-experience the burn, bitterness, and euphoria. I got really scared and I shut my eyes and forced myself to 'play the tape through'. I sitting on the damp, cement curb in Detroit at 7:30 in the morning waiting for the dopehouse to start business. I was sick, homeless, and hopeless. I was staring at the gas station across the street and watching the normals gas up and go to work. I desperately wanted to be normal again and I promised myself, if I was ever able to get out of the craziness and get healthy, I would never take my employment or daily life for granted again. Then, I put myself in the present day and I saw Manther. As far as she knows, mommy will always be there and always be able to supply the food and attention she needs. I don't ever want her to know any reality aside from this. I pulled it together and I got my head screwed on straight enough to get into the office and start my day. God has given and continues to give me many gifts in this program and I have to continue to stay focused on this.

1 comment:

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