Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Ash Wednesday

Today is Ash Wednesday and I am not going to church. I feel guilty about this, but I have to choose between church and a meeting and I really need a meeting. I have been focusing on a meeting for 3 days and I have been psycho, cranky, and had occasional using thoughts for 3 days and I desperately need to get right.

My head is a terrible place and I am alone with it right now. I work with a small group and everyone is out of the office for the day. Typically, I enjoy this situation. Today it scares me. This is the worst my head has been in the last 6-12 months and I am struggling to pull out of it.

I am praying, praying, praying and calling people. I am so self-centered right now that I can barely make conversation. I tell them I am in a bad space, they kindly encourage and suggest a reading, then the phone call ends. I do the reading and don't care much about what it says. I walk away and do it again later. Same result.

I have been here before and I know it will improve. I will keep taking the suggestions and keep telling on myself and do my best to stay focused on the task at hand and out of my wretched head.

I still hate my husband and I think he is a selfish bastard. However, I chose the selfish bastard, so whose fault is this really? I am mad at God because I feel like he is punishing us by keeping us in poverty. I feel like I have no faith right now and I cannot see God's kindness or benevolence and I am struggling to align my will with his.

I know. Third step prayer. Bondage of self..Do they will... blah, blah, blah.

Did I mention how screwed up my thought processes are right now?

I am going to do some work and pick up my kid and go to a meeting.

1 comment:

Roz said...

Hey, i just wrote you a very very long comment, tried to publish it and it all went wrong. Anyways, I'm all the way in England and it's very late, I really should be sleeping! I'll keep it short.

I understand where you are coming from with the being a Christian and lack of money blah blah blah.

I don't know everything about your life and you haven't got a clue about mine, but I sure can tell you that things have been tough!

..but I hang on there in hope, hope and faith that our God is a good God...he will turn things around for you... for me, as much as the bad stuff goes on, there are many snipets of how God really cares for me and that he really does have my back, even when it doesn't seem like it.

You know what I've given up for lent? It's being angry and stressing out from worry! - how I'm going to do that for 40 days is beyond me (quite literally) my 10 year old wants to know what've given up. I told her that hopefully over the next 2 weeks she'd figure it out, if she doesn't then I'll tell her. I'm praying that she notices the difference! I just have to LET GO AND LET GOD... so do you! I'll be back visiting your blog.