Thursday, February 8, 2007

I saw myself across the table

I went to an AA meeting last night (every Wednesday if possible cuz Dada watches Manther) and I saw so much of myself in the 20 something girl across the table. In my twenties, I was searching and insecure and I couldn't get happy. I wanted men to want me and I would sacrifice almost everything for the attention of one. They were the ruler that I used to measure my self worth. It was stupid. I had a good job and loving family, but I regularly compromised both for the attention of a worthless man (and I definitely picked the worthless ones). At one point when I was about 26, an older coworker looked at me following some destructive behavior I had displayed and sighed, "Your 30's will be better." I thought she was full of it and didn't know how to party. In reality, she was quite a bit wiser than I. My 30's have been so much better than my 20's. First of all, I got clean and sober and that made it possible to grow. Next, I got my own apartment because my sponsor told me to rather than take up with a man. Then, I built friendships and they are really good ones that exist to this day. I became comfortable with myself and my space and I wasn't looking for satisfaction through the opposite sex. That is when God chose to introduce my future husband to me. He was cute and fun, but I remained independent and did my best to be honest about what was going on in my relationship with my friends in the program to guard against compromising myself. After a few months, he wanted to get engaged and move in. I loved my little apartment and I didn't want to share it. After prayerful consideration, I agreed. I still cried as he moved boxes into the space that had previously belonged to me alone. He moved in gradually because I think he saw how difficult the change was for me. Things grew from there with wonderful good experiences and terrible bad experiences. I was able to share these with my friends and I don't regret the decision I made.
So, when it was my turn to share last night, I did my best to relate. I watched as the 20 something girl dismissed what I had said, just as I would have done, to close the meeting and run out the door with her friends. There are so many lessons in life an alcoholic has to learn with hard knocks rather than sound advice.

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