Wednesday, January 9, 2008

No good reason

Hello everyone, or anyone who might still be stopping by to see if I will ever post again. Thank you for the care and concern expressed in the comments after I went MIA. I suppose I owe an explanation. Maybe I don't. I guess I'll give one anyway. I don't think there is one specific reason I stopped posting. I did not relapse and I have actually gotten quite comfortable as part of the AA community in the suburbs. This is something I thought would never happen. My husband and I are still married, employed, and sober. Given the current state of the economy, the unemployment rate in Michigan, and the fact that we are both recovering addicts, these are all miracles.
I did ponder whether the blog was a good investment of my time. It certainly hasn't been a windfall financially and, if I spent my blog time researching investments and playing with small sums of money, I could probably be more successful. I opened a Sharebuilder account and I am working on learning a bit about the world of stocks and trading. I have a brother-in-law and sister-in-law who do a lot of this stuff and, don't worry, I won't invest more than I can afford to lose.
I have certainly been moody. I haven't been able to get pregnant again after a year plus of trying. We had some visits to the fertility doc and there is nothing really wrong, although some of the numbers aren't optimal. I am on meds, but they don't appear to be enhancing the process. The reality is this: Our chances of a second child are slipping away. I certainly realize that we could drive ourselves thousands of dollars into debt and try to force a pregnancy. I am terrified by debt and the cost of a second would be enough of a burden without starting out $15,000 in the hole. Not to mention, we could have multiples and where would that leave us? $2400 a month for double infant daycare? I quit my job and eliminate all our benefits? More than any of this, I won't seek invasive fertility treatments because I don't want the theories of western medicine to become my God. I believe in the power of the Almighty, if I am supposed to have a second child, it will happen with or without pills, injections, and implants.
I am sad and more than little bit angry at times, but I know that this is part of acceptance and healing. Many bloggers write to work through their pain. Not me. When the pain is great, I get busy. I clean, sort, organize, do home repairs, attend social events, and create a frenzied life that doesn't allow me time to mourn. There are many who would say this isn't healthy. I don't care whether it is or not. It is a better coping skill than getting high. I have been doing that for a few months and I am ready to slow down now. Does this mean I will actively blog again? I haven't decided yet.
Thank you all for listening. If anyone reads this and thinks about leaving a comment suggesting that I will get pregnant and I need to 'relax' or 'be patient' or, worse yet, tell me some other infertile woman's success story, please don't leave the comment. I do know that there is a chance of pregnancy, however, I am 38 and my husband is 52 and our time is limited. I really feel that focusing on acceptance is healthier than creating false hope.


therapydoc said...

I just heard someone struggling with fertility (we don't use the word "infertility") the other day telling over the many insensitive things people say.

It's pretty amazing how the power to edit just escapes us sometimes.

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Doc's Girl said...

Oh, I'm so glad that you are okay...

I'm sorry that you've had a difficult time but I don't think that you are dealing with it in a healthy way. The bf always gets nervous when he comes home and the place is spotless because he knows that I've been doing some deep thinking! :)

Well, whether or not you blog in the future, I just wanted to wish you a belated Happy New Year--I always enjoyed reading your blog. You were the first sobriety blog I ever read! :) Take care and take it easy...:)