Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Angry

I am angry today and, here's a bit of information about me that I don't share openly, I am angry most of the time. This was pointed out to me when I was in treatment and I put great effort into accepting life on life's terms and not being angry. Although this process allows me quality moments when I am not stuck in the middle of rage, I eventually come back to rage.
I really feel that my higher power did some cruel things to me and I can't shake that feeling. I was born with (and I guess I still have) a very humiliating disease. This disease doesn't cause any serious health problems and I guess that should make me grateful. I do have very pronounced male characteristics and it frequently makes for awkward and embarassing life moments. I am bearded and flat chested and quite hairy and, on more than one occasion, I have been mistaken for a man. If I had lots of free time and disposable income, I could alleviate some of the problem. HP has also decided not to give me either of these things.
I also have crappy self esteem (surprise) that my husband exploits by letting me believe that every household duty is mine. And, I mean EVERY duty, laundry, cleaning, decorating, repairs, garbage, lawn mowing, snowshoveling, paying the bills. His lazy relatives do the same thing. Is it my fault for taking on more responsibility than I should? Partly. However, I certainly would have been able to negotiate for a more helpful and considerate husband if I didn't look like a circus side show freak. I'm lucky anyone was willing to overlook the hideousness and, that's not low self esteem, that's the truth.
When I was young, I was raised in a Christian home and I believed if I prayed with a strong enough faith I would be relieved of my burdens. My prayers fell on my higher power's deaf ears and, as puberty approached, the hair growth and freakishness got worse. I am experiencing this all over again as I pray for a second child. He did decide to give me a glimmer of happiness late in life with my husband and daughter, yet he absolutely refuses to give me second child. I am a cruel experiment where he dangles the hope of happiness and normalcy in front of me like a carrot just to see how high he can make me climb before I come crashing down.
The one really useful thing I learned in treatment is that I can tell HP how angry I am in loud, colorful terms. This is the only thing that gives me relief. So, today I'm here to say, "YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING ME OVER MY WHOLE LIFE. IF YOU CLAIM TO CARE ABOUT ME, LISTEN TO ME AND HELP ME! DURING THIS LIFETIME PLEASE!!!!"

9 comments:

Doc's Girl said...

Nael,

I am very proud of you for writing about the tough moment that you are having. I am very sorry for your troubles.

I would really like to send you an email... My email address is doctorsgirlfriend@gmail.com. Feel free to vent as I can relate to some of the things you have on your plate...

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

You're going to be alright. You are NOT a circus side show freak. You are a strong person that I admire.

I'm sorry again. I hate seeing people in pain, it's one of the reasons I want to be a CRNA (anesthetizing patients). :-P

Anonymous said...

Nael, from early on when I started reading your blog I KNEW you had a lot of anger in you (for what and why I didn't know but you have given us a glimpse) BUT what I loved about you was the way you related clips of your life to us in a humorous way EVEN though one could tell you were angry.

So this humorous side of yours is what you have to draw on to get you through. I am a christian and I also believe in drawing on my faith to get me through EVEN through the tough times. I recently discovered that my husband had been having numerous affairs, we've been married for nearly 14 yrs and some of them started off about 2 yrs after we married (after our first child arrived!) I knew of two early on and we dealt with it. The other 5 were unknown to me until recently. Things have been tough for us and I knew that horrible things like affairs could creep into our lives but I PRAYED SO HARD ABOUT IT TO GOD, yet this stuff still happened. NOW I am still with this man (and no, I am not crazy) if God forgave us, I have to be able to forgive others myself and show this in the actions I take. We have talked lots and have gone for counselling. I know I am where God wants me to BE however hard that may be for me right now. Basically SHIT HAPPENS and I don't always believe it is God that causes it. I always think of JOB in the bible when I am in such situations. Do I blame God NO, I get pretty ANGRY with him because I feel that if I prayed about God's protection on my marriage WHY did all this happen to me!

What I do now is FOCUS ON ALL THE POSITIVE THINGS IN MY LIFE, I get out there more and do things to take my mind off of things, praying to God isn't easy but I still do it, and 4 months down the line, I feel stronger and much better about myself.

God isn't a wicked person, he just seems silent sometimes (think of the famous poam FOOTPRINTS) We are who we are meant to be, our circumstances whether painful or not, build our character into more of the person we are meant to be, and ultimately we tell our life story to others and you will be amazed at the number of people that will relate to YOUR STORY and find hope in knowing that if you can get through it SO CAN THEY.

I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE...Psalm 139:14

MP3 e MP4 said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If possible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the MP3 e MP4, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://mp3-mp4-brasil.blogspot.com. A hug.

Misery Marketing said...

Effin A God get on the ball! Maybe you could pray to become a lesbian. Why does anger feel so natural and constant for so many of us?

Chris said...

Blogging Research

I am a doctoral student, studying at the Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology at Yeshiva University, Bronx, NY.

I am conducting a research project on the topic of blogging and would like to invite you to participate as a subject in my study. Ferkauf faculty member Dr. Shelly Goldklank is supervising this project. You have been selected for participation in this study as part of a random sample of bloggers.

I would greatly appreciate your assistance in completing a questionnaire regarding your use of your blog, as well as an online survey of your personality traits. Additionally, I ask for demographic information, such as age, gender, etc. After I receive your answers to the questionnaire on your blog usage, I will contact you again to review your responses or to ask new questions that arise from your initial responses. The time to complete the entire survey is about 30-50 minutes. This study has been reviewed and approved by the Committee on Clinical Investigations Institutional Review Board at Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University.

To participate in this research study you must be at least 18 years old. You must also be a blogger who updates your blog at least weekly for a minimum of 3 months. At least one of your blogs must be public. Your participation in the study is voluntary. Your identity will be kept confidential and data referenced in the final results will be stripped of identifying information. Your name and contact information will be kept in a locked box for the duration of the research study and this same contact information will be destroyed six months after completion of the study. The research study will be completed June 2008 at the latest. Within six months after the completion of the study those subjects interested in obtaining the results may receive them at the end of the study, at which time I may retrieve the names and addresses from the locked file.

There are no direct benefits to all participants in the study. Your completion of the on-line survey will indicate that you have read, understood, and agree to the terms of participation in this study as outlined above.

If you are interested in participate in this study, please email me at chrisbelz@gmail.com. I will then email you a link to the online survey, as well as the questionnaire I have designed.

Thank you again for your assistance with the completion of this research project.

Sincerely,

Christopher Belz, M.A.
Doctoral Student
chrisbelz@gmail.com (preferred email)
cbelz@yu.edu (school email)
Ferkauf Graduate School of Psychology
Rousso Building
Albert Einstein College of Medicine
Yeshiva University
1165 Morris Park Avenue
Bronx, NY 10461

PATRICK said...

The word "alcoholic" is not in the BIBLE. There is no mention of the 12 Steps or that ALCOHOLISM, is a DISEASE – in the BIBLE. One is either a DRUNKARD or was a DRUNKARD – end of story.


Bill Wilson manufactured the BIG BOOK & the 12 STEPS out of his head, and millions of GROUPERS (12 STEPPERS) have been “hoodwinked” by his anti – Christ propaganda.


Labelling oneself, as an ALCOHOLIC is THE MARK OF THE BEAST – one has condemned oneself to the fiery furnace. In HELL, there is no chance of REDEMPTION. AA is HELL!


I, PATRICK, AM A GIFT TO ALL PEOPLE.

PATRICK said...

2 PETER 2: 1 - 3

SATAN’S DISCIPLES

· AAwakenings

· A Dozen Steps

· Among the Living (18 comments)

· A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime.

· Alcoholic Brain

Andrew's Addiction

· Anonymous Biker

· Another Door Opens ( 6 comments)

ANOTHER SOBER ALCOHOLIC

· Attitude of Gratitude

Banana Girl

· Because I Said So (17 comments)

· Big Sky mAAck dAAddy

· Coffee Bitch

· CreAAtive Intelligence

· Dr. Jekyll vs Mr. Hyde

· dry blog

· Gotta Be Me

· half-nAAked Thursday

* Hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe

HEATHER of The Amazing Adventure

higher powered dAAve

· I'll never drink again!

In God's Hands--Indisincted

· It's a girl thing

· Jedi Master

· Journey to Recovery

Kathy Lynn -Gospodi Pomiluj

Life on Planet Bill

· lonestarsteve

Lounge Daddy: Chronicles

Molly-Recovering Wino

· My Life in Tampa

· OneDayOneStep (33 comments)

One Sober Alcoholic

1 Door Away From Heaven part II

· Outright Mental Defective

· Postcards

· rAAnch - a round up of friends ...
Recovery Archive

· Recovery Road

· Recovery Ruminations

· Road of Happy Destiny

· Scout's Newcomer Daze

This Unmanageable Life

They Tell Me to Keep Coming Back

· Simply Anna

· Sincerely Sober

· Sober @ Sundown

· Sober Chick

· Sobering Thoughts

· Sober Nuggets

· Sobriety is Exhausting

Stop, Drop, Recover

Syd's Just FINE

· This can't be it (22 comments)

· The Lady Geek

· This Unmanageable Life

· Today

TrailBoss

· Twelvebeads

· Vicarious Rising

· You and Me ( 50 comments)

· What is Your Deepest Fear?

sobermojo said...

Anger or no anger it takes guts and a whole hell of a lot more to get through a second life of sobriety. You can be proud of that. I like your site and will add to my budding list.

Anonymous said...

I used to be able tо find gοod info from your аrtіclеs.


Feеl free to νіѕit mу website: CarbonPoker Bonus