Another Door Opens

It looks like pickles

2009-03-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

I am not awake today. The combination of my job, a sick, nursing infant, and a preschooler who is potty training has completely drained me. Fatigue started when the post doc nearly killed his computer by forcing it to function with all 30 gigabytes of memory full to the tippy tippy top (he has only been here 6 months, I have been here 4 years and have used 800 MB). I spent all of Mon am explaining to him that the 250 papers he was saving to his hard drive in super-rich-text complete-color-illustration format would definitely still exist in the medical database a month from now and he could trust the database to save them for him. This was followed by 3 hours of continuous nursing with Scoots as soon as I arrived home and that certainly contributed to my fatigue.
But, potty training really was the final blow. Manther absolutely must operate in extremes at all times. I found out last week that it took until the age of 3 years and 11 months to potty train her because she holds her pee for all 8 hours at daycare rather than use a potty that is not tucked away in a private room. I was more than a little shocked to find that she is (or is capable of) doing this and explained the importance finding and using a potty when the urge occurs rather than get sick with a UTI. So, I was woken up at 2:30 am, after two full hours of sleep, by a little voice telling me she had to go potty. More precisely, poo poo. I perched on the edge of the bathtub and fought to stay awake and keep my balance as we poo pooed and discussed Spiderman. Apparently, he was on TV last night and Manther really likes him and wanted to know the details of his existance: does he live in a house, does he have parents, does he come in the front door or down the chimney, will he come to my birthday party, if we were in trouble would he rush in to rescue us, and on and on and on. Finally, there was silence. I looked up from the doze I had fallen into to see Manther standing next to and staring into the potty. I asked if she was okay and she said, "I went poo poo." I congratulated her and asked why she looked concerned. "My poo poo looks like pickles." Funny? Yes, but not at 2:45am. After many assurances that everyone's poop looks something like what she saw in the potty, we returned to bed (praise God). From this point on, all fruits and fiber that are served in my household will be served at morning meals only.

Is Jello really a food?

2009-03-03T12:36:00.001-08:00

I am posting again. Things are a bit scary at work and I need an outlet. I mean scary like 'the economy is scary', not like 'the people are scary'. The people at work can be scary, but I adjusted to that long ago. I can adjust to almost anything as long as the paycheck still comes. Once that paycheck thing stops happening, everything feels scary.
Mom (or grandma if you're my kid) has been babysitting for the past two weeks and I love it. She really is far more talented in the domestic department than I am. She cares about her meals and cooks like she means it. I cook to avoid the loud complaining from Hubby and the kids after several days of no meals. I am of German Lutheran heritage and it is reflected in my mother's cooking (not mine). Meals have a meat and a potato and a vegetable and, if you're feeling fancy, a jello mold. I don't know why German Lutherans emphasize potatoes and jello in their cooking because I don't think either is a health food, yet the jello molds and potato salads are a presence at every potluck. Manther (she's almost 4 now) hasn't seen a lot of jello molds and seemed very enthusiastic when Grandma made one. It was a very pretty orange in a white bowl and had carefully suspended mandarin oranges. Grandma put is outside to finish 'setting' and Manther added a little snow for garnish. Grandma carefully removed the snow and issued a gentle reprimand. I came home from work about this time and thanked mom and sent her on her way home. I was nursing Scoots (my 3 month old) and relaxing and I felt an unnatural quiet in the house. I walked into the kitchen and found the jello mold dismantled and assembled into a sort of orange stonehenge on the kitchen table. Mandarin orange slices were scattered in front of the orange monuments and I began to piece together that they were the 'people' and the monuments their 'houses'. I launched into the 'food is not a toy' lecture and noticed confusion on Manther's face. "But, this is Jello," she replied. I started to explain that Jello is food, but I realized I'm not convinced of that truth. So, I switched gears to 'let's not hurt Grandma's feelings by breaking her pretty things' and scooped the jello back into the bowl.

I had a baby

2009-02-23T11:25:00.000-08:00

I guess this isn't a shock based on my previous post. On 12/4 beautiful my second beautiful baby girl came into the world and it was a pleasantly uneventful planned C section. She is fantastic and calm and easy and likes to sleep and she's a perfect fit for our family. To my great surprise, my extremely sensitive, high strung, high maintenance 3 year old loves her sister and hasn't tried to kill her....yet.
I am back at work and even that is okay. I only feel overwhelmed sometimes and I can usually breathe my way through it. I am meeting and trying to connect with moms in recovery and, although I can't say I have met anyone who can replace my 'we got sober together' sisters, I have started building some new relationships. I attended a birthday party for a friend I have in the program and saw many folks I haven't seen in years and I loved showing off my girls!!
Life is still a wonderful gift and I am happy and grateful to be here. I want to post more and maybe that will happen, but if it doesn't that is okay too.

I got pregnant

2008-10-16T10:00:00.001-07:00

It is so sad that I haven't posted, blogged, or read blogs in eight months. I miss this part of my day. I got swept away with so many distractions, good distractions, that I couldn't keep up. Even though I am posting now and thinking I will start posting regularly again, there is a voice in my head telling me that I am not being honest with myself about the number of hours in the day and the number of directions I have split myself.
The list of good distractions includes a few good experiments and the race for manuscript preparation so we can stay funded, pregnancy in the middle of March, and somewhere between 2-3 students in the laboratory all summer with lots of needs and questions. I raced through every day and to meet the immediate needs at work and home and I don't remember looking at anything on the internet unless I absolutely needed to. Half the manuscripts are published now, although we still have two more to do in the immediate future. I am due in 6 weeks and, aside from a little diabetes, this has been a pretty easy pregnancy. The students went back to school and are here far less often. This little extra time may give me the opportunity to blog, or this may be the lull before the next storm.
If it matters to anyone reading (and it might have mattered to me if I were reading this), I was struggling with infertility and it was very frustrating. My husband and I tried more than 20 times (like two years) and the disappointments were overwhelming. We made a decision to not pursue invasive, expensive fertility options even though the fertility doc who checked us out recommended some. It happened for us and I am very glad that we did things the way we did. I am not saying we were right and everyone else who handles infertility differently was wrong, but I am comfortable with the path with took even though it was painful at times.
Hubby and Manther (the 3 1/2 year old) are doing well. Hubby is extremely active in AA and runs two meetings and is going to a men's retreat this weekend. His performance at work has apparently been great (at least in my mind) and he is now top salesman and store manager. He has a lot of pressure, but handles it well most of the time. Manther is quite a big girl now, even though she refuses to cooperate and use the potty, and seems very happy in her older preschool room at daycare. She is not happy about having a little sister, but she is a diva/princess and I did not expect gracious acceptance of a new sibling to share stuff with. She will adjust and in 20 years she will probably love her new sister.
I go to my one AA meeting and week and church on Sunday. I am not as active in AA as hubby is, but that is where I am right now and life will change when the kids get older and I will have more free time for meeting and fellowship. I get lots of phone calls in to friends and family members and I feel happy and not isolated.
That's it for now. Today I look forward to finishing my day at work and going home to delouse my child and my house after a note a received regarding an outbreak at daycare. Always something to look forward to...

Angry

2008-02-05T08:27:00.001-08:00

I am angry today and, here's a bit of information about me that I don't share openly, I am angry most of the time. This was pointed out to me when I was in treatment and I put great effort into accepting life on life's terms and not being angry. Although this process allows me quality moments when I am not stuck in the middle of rage, I eventually come back to rage.
I really feel that my higher power did some cruel things to me and I can't shake that feeling. I was born with (and I guess I still have) a very humiliating disease. This disease doesn't cause any serious health problems and I guess that should make me grateful. I do have very pronounced male characteristics and it frequently makes for awkward and embarassing life moments. I am bearded and flat chested and quite hairy and, on more than one occasion, I have been mistaken for a man. If I had lots of free time and disposable income, I could alleviate some of the problem. HP has also decided not to give me either of these things.
I also have crappy self esteem (surprise) that my husband exploits by letting me believe that every household duty is mine. And, I mean EVERY duty, laundry, cleaning, decorating, repairs, garbage, lawn mowing, snowshoveling, paying the bills. His lazy relatives do the same thing. Is it my fault for taking on more responsibility than I should? Partly. However, I certainly would have been able to negotiate for a more helpful and considerate husband if I didn't look like a circus side show freak. I'm lucky anyone was willing to overlook the hideousness and, that's not low self esteem, that's the truth.
When I was young, I was raised in a Christian home and I believed if I prayed with a strong enough faith I would be relieved of my burdens. My prayers fell on my higher power's deaf ears and, as puberty approached, the hair growth and freakishness got worse. I am experiencing this all over again as I pray for a second child. He did decide to give me a glimmer of happiness late in life with my husband and daughter, yet he absolutely refuses to give me second child. I am a cruel experiment where he dangles the hope of happiness and normalcy in front of me like a carrot just to see how high he can make me climb before I come crashing down.
The one really useful thing I learned in treatment is that I can tell HP how angry I am in loud, colorful terms. This is the only thing that gives me relief. So, today I'm here to say, "YOU'VE BEEN SCREWING ME OVER MY WHOLE LIFE. IF YOU CLAIM TO CARE ABOUT ME, LISTEN TO ME AND HELP ME! DURING THIS LIFETIME PLEASE!!!!"

Manther grows up

2008-01-28T06:53:00.000-08:00

It's Monday am and I really should be doing work, but I am having a little trouble getting motivated. Thank you all for your support on my last post. Things haven't improved, but I have just a little bit more acceptance this week than I did last week. We'll see what next week brings
Today I am posting about Manther because I miss her on Monday mornings. I enjoy my time with her over the weekend and she's on my mind when I go back to work. She was more challenging than the average toddler from the age of 18 months until about 2 1/2. At first I thought I had a skewed perspective on the situation because I was her mother. I knew all toddlers were defiant and she just 'felt' more defiant than average because I was so close to the situation. But, I started getting notes from daycare and they confirmed that what I was experiencing was outside of the norm. Well, we heightened discipline and that seemed to improve the situation. Now that some life rules have been established (you may not answer 'no' to everything, you do have to follow instructions, you may not climb or leap from or onto furniture, humans, or animals, AND you do have to wear clothes or at least a diaper and appropriate winter clothing outside because we live in Michigan), we can actually do stuff together rather than engage in a series of behaviors and reprimands. The bonus of having a 'challenging' kid is they seem to have an extra dose of personality and that makes for a lot of fun when they get older. Of course, it can also lead to attention-seeking criminal behavior when they get even older, but we have a few years.
Manther has still loves Elmo and her Sesame Street friends ('all the boys' as Daddy calls thems), but she has developed a second love that was unexpected given her tomboy personality. She loves ballerinas and ballet. I know this is common for a lot of little girls, but she refused to wear a dress for 12 months and I never anticipated an obsession with the pink tutu and tights. She has a couple of ballet cartoons that she adores and she desperately tries to imitate them with clumsy awkward toddler movements. I watch with mommy pride and congratulate and tell her how she looks just like a ballerina.
Last week was a rough one for her and I'm not sure she's recovered. She caught Mom and Dad in a compromising position. We didn't even know we were caught until we finished and walked into the hallway. She was sitting silently in the middle of the hallway, staring at the wall and anxiously sucking on her pacifier. My husband and I gasped and went back into the bedroom and wondered what to do. What did we do? Nothing. How do you explain that to a 2 yr 8 month old? Mommy and Daddy are playing. No you can't play, too. Because it's a game for adults. I don't know why. Do you want candy and an Elmo video? So, rather than have this stupid discussion I totally ignored the situation. She was really mad at Daddy that morning and wouldn't let him touch her, but she seems to have recovered. I wonder what version of the story they heard at daycare.

Prayers for Hubby

2008-01-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

The title of this post sounds terrible and, no, my husband does not have a deadly disease. I am feeling so sad because he has the worst boss I have ever seen and I am watching it change him. He is becoming agitated and insomnia is creeping in. His self-esteem is being chipped away despite the fact that I am desperately trying to hug, kiss, and complement at every turn.
My husband works in flooring sales is employed at a small, family-owned company. The owner is an alcoholic ( I don't care if it's inappropriate for me to make this statement, I'm calling a spade a spade today) and has two adult sons who also have chemical dependency issues that have landed them in jail several times. Of course, their lifestyle is costly with the car accidents, lawyer fees, and the price of liquor/drugs and, it seems to be my husband's responsibility to support their habits. Every employee except for my husband and the warehouse manager have quit. I wish Hubby could quit, too, but I am not sure what is worse for your self esteem, permanent unemployment and bankruptcy or lunatic bosses? We look EVERY day for a new job. Occasionally, an opening appears and we jump on it. No calls yet.
Hubby has not missed a day of work in two years. He is scheduled for a 45 hr week with no sick time, paid time off, benefits or commission. His hourly pay is ~ $14 and hour. He does not get reimbursed for the gas or the cell phone that is used constantly in his sales position. He typically works 10 hours more a week than he is scheduled. He got no Christmas bonus this year despite the fact that he was promised one (he is a salesman who laid a floor for free in the new expanded showroom and was told "Thanks buddy, I'll get ya at Christmas). He was informed of an unpaid lay-off over Christmas and then was called back for 4 days during the middle of the lay-off. He was only compensated for 3 of the 4 days. His paycheck for the first full week of work after Christmas was $150 short. There is no real reason given for the cuts in pay. Sometimes the owner indicates sales are down, but my husband and the warehouse manager both see the books and are quite aware that this is a lie. Sometimes the owner just promises to make up the difference later. This never happens.
The one thing the owner does do is make sure you feel like you aren't worthy of the check you are getting and, despite the craziness of it all, I think Hubby is starting to believe it. I know it's a lie. On top of the professionalism and responsibility Hubby has displayed during his employment, he is averaging $30,000 a month in sales. This is the equivalent of the owner's sales and the owner makes sure to take the best sales leads and cuts prices beyond the stated parameters to make his quota. I keep assuring my husband that he is a wonderful husband, father, and employee with a terrible job. My words cannot reverse the effect of the abusive relationship and Hubby's behaviors are starting to scare me.
About two weeks ago, he told me he was wearing sweats to work one Sunday. I tried to insist this was a bad idea and I can't remember if he went through with it or not. On Saturday, he decided to shut and lock the door of the store 15 minutes early. The boss stopped by and confronted him. Hubby didn't really defend himself, but just mentioned he had another job scheduled and was in a hurry (this is the truth, he works on the side installing because his pay is crap). The owner said they would discuss it later. If this discussion would occur in a professional format, Hubby would invite it as an opportunity to vent some frustration. However, the owner likes to humiliate his employees and will wait until several family members and the warehouse manager are present and loudly point out that Hubby was trying to steal hours from him.
I love Hubby and he has grown so much in the past two and half years. I am terrified that this job will eventually enrage him to the point that he beats the hell out of his boss or relapses or both. I am praying, praying, praying every morning. Usually, I am praying out loud in the car. I am asking for your prayers,also. Apparently, God has a little trouble HEARING when I am praying alone (yes, that is my frustration speaking). Please give Hubby a better job option before the abusive relationship destroys him.

ECONOMY

2008-01-15T09:33:00.000-08:00

Today are the presidential primaries in Michigan. I avoid the news for weeks before the elections because I become a nervous wreck after I study the candidates, realize that they are all dishonest puppets with purely selfish motives, and then further realize that one of them is going to lead this country at a time when we really need a leader.
However, I am an adult and I am supposed to vote for the candidate that I think will do the best job. So, I started reading some newpaper articles this morning and I am no longer nervous. I am terrified. I read an article in the LA times (can you imagine LA actually talking about Detroit? there's a first) that honestly outlined the economic state of Michigan. This is something the Detroit newspapers avoid. Michigan is not experiencing a recession but rather a 1930's style depression. 30,000 people left the state in the past 6 months and that number is growing. Unemployment is at 7.5% and climbing. I can't see any hope for a turnaround in the next several decades.
As I look at the grim picture, I realize for the first time how living in this highly industrialized state has molded my view of the economy. I grew up in a factory town and, when I was about 6-7, an announcement was made that the plant would shut down. It was devastating news. Thousands of people lost their jobs, packed up, and moved to Texas. I have no idea why Texas was the place to move, but everyone seemed to know they needed to go there to survive. It was sad to see family and friends move away, but the ghost town depression that remained with those of us who were left behind was worse. It was very clear to me that the ECONOMY was this big, huge thing that had all the power and it could whimsically decide to crush you and your friends and neighbors. It was very important to pay close attention to the ECONOMY so you could predict it's next move and possibly avoid that slaughter. I tried to pay attention.
So, I watched the news and managed to grasp that a recession was occurring and the dollar was weak (what??) so the government couldn't just print more money and increase spending to save us from the recession. It took a year of news and a lot of questions to my father to assemble this concept. I grew nervous because the more I watched the news the more it seemed there were no answers. I lost focus on the news and adjusted to being a kid in a ghost town. Then, the ECONOMY changed when I wasn't looking. The recession went away and a Japanese automaker bought the empty factory and the empty houses were filled. Since I had been ignoring the news, I asked my father if the situation was fixed. No, he replied. It may look better for now, but corrupt and demanding unions will continue to force the production of cars at prices that cannot compete in an increasingly global economy (what??). My father has several degrees and liked to read. The translation: the ECONOMY will attack again.
So, here it is. Another slaughter by the ECONOMY. It feels quite familiar for those of us who are lifetime residents of southeast Michigan. I am not surprised, but I am saddened and scared. And little confused. When Senator McCain suggested that we do what we should have done 25 years ago and try to recruit other types of jobs and industry to Michigan to replace the dying automotive industry (aka build stronger ECONOMY through education and diversity), why did my friends and neighbors freak out? I guess I'm not as scared by the ECONOMY as I am by the MENTALITY.

No good reason

2008-01-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone, or anyone who might still be stopping by to see if I will ever post again. Thank you for the care and concern expressed in the comments after I went MIA. I suppose I owe an explanation. Maybe I don't. I guess I'll give one anyway. I don't think there is one specific reason I stopped posting. I did not relapse and I have actually gotten quite comfortable as part of the AA community in the suburbs. This is something I thought would never happen. My husband and I are still married, employed, and sober. Given the current state of the economy, the unemployment rate in Michigan, and the fact that we are both recovering addicts, these are all miracles.
I did ponder whether the blog was a good investment of my time. It certainly hasn't been a windfall financially and, if I spent my blog time researching investments and playing with small sums of money, I could probably be more successful. I opened a Sharebuilder account and I am working on learning a bit about the world of stocks and trading. I have a brother-in-law and sister-in-law who do a lot of this stuff and, don't worry, I won't invest more than I can afford to lose.
I have certainly been moody. I haven't been able to get pregnant again after a year plus of trying. We had some visits to the fertility doc and there is nothing really wrong, although some of the numbers aren't optimal. I am on meds, but they don't appear to be enhancing the process. The reality is this: Our chances of a second child are slipping away. I certainly realize that we could drive ourselves thousands of dollars into debt and try to force a pregnancy. I am terrified by debt and the cost of a second would be enough of a burden without starting out $15,000 in the hole. Not to mention, we could have multiples and where would that leave us? $2400 a month for double infant daycare? I quit my job and eliminate all our benefits? More than any of this, I won't seek invasive fertility treatments because I don't want the theories of western medicine to become my God. I believe in the power of the Almighty, if I am supposed to have a second child, it will happen with or without pills, injections, and implants.
I am sad and more than little bit angry at times, but I know that this is part of acceptance and healing. Many bloggers write to work through their pain. Not me. When the pain is great, I get busy. I clean, sort, organize, do home repairs, attend social events, and create a frenzied life that doesn't allow me time to mourn. There are many who would say this isn't healthy. I don't care whether it is or not. It is a better coping skill than getting high. I have been doing that for a few months and I am ready to slow down now. Does this mean I will actively blog again? I haven't decided yet.
Thank you all for listening. If anyone reads this and thinks about leaving a comment suggesting that I will get pregnant and I need to 'relax' or 'be patient' or, worse yet, tell me some other infertile woman's success story, please don't leave the comment. I do know that there is a chance of pregnancy, however, I am 38 and my husband is 52 and our time is limited. I really feel that focusing on acceptance is healthier than creating false hope.

The keepsake

2007-07-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

Thanks everyone for tolerating my anecdote on poor parenting decisions. I wasted my and my daughter's evening and bought the motorcycle and she has sat on it once. She is not interested in it and I hope this has been a good lesson for Hubby as he watches $110 sit in the garage. I will never again purchase a toy anywhere but a reasonably priced garage sale.
As I've mentioned a few (100) times, my dear sweet Sis has moved to St. Louis for her husband's job (Lisa asked where she lives and I honestly don't know, some suburb, I'll find out more). She is 9 months pregnant and lost her job and is going to be a SAHM for a while. Since they lost an income and will gain a baby, they downsized their house and tried to get rid of as much stuff as possible. Well, Sis tried to get rid of as much stuff as possible. As she bumps around the house and unpacks a few boxes waiting for the baby come, she is finding that her husband did not work very hard at getting rid of stuff. Her MIL does crafts and unloads a lot of craft stuff on Sis. She hates the crafts and I can't say I blame her as they aren't usually very attractive. However, her husband saves all the special things his mother makes as keepsakes. Yesterday she called me and was demanding her husband's head on a stick. Apparently, she happened upon more than a couple boxes of bad crafts and icky keepsakes in the basement. She found what appeared to be a big, dead rodent in a bag in one of the boxes and was more than a little bit startled. She gathered courage and pulled the bag out of the box for further inspection. It was hair. Human hair. A lot of human hair. Some mothers save a lock of their child's hair as a keepsake. It appears that Sis's MIL saved a thick wad of the stuff in a Ziploc baggy. I had to laugh... and admire Sis for further inspection of the creepy thing when I would have shut the box and run upstairs.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

2007-07-10T09:47:00.000-07:00

The boss is in England with a meager pile of data to present and I have some breathing space again. I was not able to get all the data she requested and I feel like I disappointed her, but she was nice about it (as always) and I know she is skilled at giving presentations and can make the best of it.

Meanwhile, I have evolved into something that disgusts me - the parent that goes to ridiculous lengths to get their child presents she doesn't need. We ordered a motorcycle for Manther's birthday. Amazon backordered it about 10 times and it's new possible arrival date is Sept 12th. The order was placed on April 24th and this is obviously a hideous amount of time to wait for a gift. My husband cannot tolerate disappointing his little girl with another delay. Manther does not seem to understand or care. She thinks her pink big wheel is a motorcycle and she makes motorcycle noises when she sits on it. I am perfectly satisfied to cancel the order and save $100. Not Hubby. So, I (I guess we, he does have a job and pay bills) spent $110 and I am driving 40 minutes to purchase a display model tonight. I predict Manther will be scared of it and it won't get used the rest of the summer.

Are the suburbs a disease that infects your brain? I am sure I wouldn't have displayed behavior like this a couple of years ago.
TAGS:
family home

Absenteeism

2007-06-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

Here's some more sidewalk chalk art for you to enjoy compliments of the girls on my block.
I have hardly been posting and I am missing my blog time very much. Thank you all for the support you gave on my last post. I guess I didn't clarify that I was not the one giving the presentation. The resident in our lab gave the presentation, but I had to mingle with the doctor types during the scheduled lectures. I got frustrated because the resident did not prepare properly and his presentation made him, our supervisor, and our research look shoddy. As a result of my frustration, I called him an asshole when I was in the women's bathroom and the director of our department was in the next stall. My coworker was with me and tried to make nice conversation with the director and pretend like there wasn't a lunatic cursing in the bathroom, but there is only so much you can do to clean up a situation like that. You can take the girl out the the streets, but you can't always take the streets out of the girl.

Here's an update:

Nael - She is working her tail off for another presentation her boss will do in England in one week. The data is not coming together very well and it is making her cranky. Also, she is working long hours and this is making her cranky. The upside is she no longer feels like an outsider at her weekly AA meeting because she has to spew so much emotion/frustration at tables to stay sane that everyone feels like they know everything about her. Her sister has gone to St. Louis and this is sad, but they still stay in contact with almost daily phone calls and she is looking forward to visits. Apparently, she is never going to get pregnant and have a second baby. She could not even find an LH surge the past two months and is getting tired of mandatory, unspontaneous sex when she does occasionally surge.

Manther - She has learned where the park is in relation to the house and has a tantrum everytime we drive, bike, or walk by it unless we stop and play. When mommy is having a bad day, she has to drive out of her way to avoid the park because she can't tolerate the tantrum. A few days ago, Manther received some cotten candy from the neighbor and mommy cut her off after she had consumed generous amounts of it. When Manther found that the the tantrum wasn't getting her what she wanted, she went over to the neighbor and asked for more candy. Mommy was quite embarassed. Manther's terrible twos do have some positives. She does not have meltdowns when I leave her at daycare or with sitters and she is becoming a lot of fun to interact with when she isn't being a stubborn, demanding, little cuss.

Hubby - Hubby works all the time now. He worked 14 hours yesterday and he will work 16 today and probably 12 hours days all weekend. He has worked something like 21 days straight and I just pray he doesn't collapse. He has been cranky, but I forgive him.

I promise to check posts tomorrow and see where everyone is at. I can't make any promises about the next week, but I do know that on 7/9/7 the boss takes the data I have and I get some of my life back.

Happy 4th everyone.

Greater Than and Less Than

2007-06-22T06:52:00.000-07:00

One of my struggles in recovery is trying to be 'right sized'. When I moved out of my safety zone and into the suburbs, my insecurity escalated and I noticed I was comparing myself to others (with a fully skewed perspective) and assigning rank. This behavior is very sick, self-centered, and dangerous. I end up being arrogant or feeling worthless and both extremes will lead me to a drink if I don't keep my thinking in check.

The people who send me into the worst spiral with this behavior are wealthy people. I am intimidated and terrified of them. When I am with them, I monitor their behavior closely. This is partially due to my need to imitate them so I don't do anything improper. But, I also keep a mental list of any character defects I can detect. I guess I feel this list somehow brings them closer to my level. Very sick. Yes, I know. I am working on it. My rational mind knows that there are lots of very decent people who happen to have comfortable incomes. They genuinely care about others and will not call the police just because an unfamiliar, low income person is in their neighborhood. However, my rational mind is often drowned out by fear when I am stuck in a real life situation.

Saturday night we were invited to the very nice home of my husband's sponsor and he is quite well off. I prepped like I was getting ready for a date. I dyed my hair, plucked my eyebrows, waxed, shaved, primped, and tried on 3 outfits. I also forced Manther into a little summer dress and had fits about whether or not she would behave. My husband will never admit it, but he was nervous, too. He was anxious about us being late and took inventory and commented on how nice Manther and I looked. I think the last time he commented on my looks was our wedding day. We arrived and managed to visit and converse pretty well, but I constantly felt like I was talking too much and I second guessed everything that came out of my mouth. We ate ice cream on the deck and then walked over to the golf course (yes, his home is on a golf course) to watch a firework display. It was a nice evening and I enjoyed the company and Manther enjoyed his daughters. But, the next day I was so exhausted from the stress of what should have been a simple evening with friends.

Today, I have to go to a series of presentations with a bunch of doctors. I am totally stressed out. I have worked with a few of them and they really have all been nice to me. Why do I let this stuff freak me out so much? I feel like I am walking on eggshells when I am around fancy folks. I have been sober a while, but I still cuss too much and talk too much and I am not exactly classy. I like classy. I have seen women who wear it well and I admire them. I think I have to be sober and working steps another decade before I can naturally be one of them.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

All good things must come to an end

2007-06-18T19:48:00.000-07:00

The garage sale is finally over. Three days of sitting in the sun in front of my garage and the most significant thing I have to show for it is an itty bitty tan. It takes a whole lotta sun for me to get a tan. My costs: $23 newpaper ad, $6 balloons, $0.75 cardboard sign. My profit: $30 for general crap, $50 for dryer. So, I ended up with a $50 profit for 50 hours of labor and about 10 boxes of crap of the Vietnam Veterans Association. I don't think I will ever have another garage sale, but I might change my mind by next year. Here are the most memorable moments.

1) Outrageous 'flare' on my front lawn as advertisements. Racing flags were strung along both sides of the driveway on pylons. I had two signs with a bunch of balloons hanging off of them. One was bright green. I am sure the neighbors were hating me.

2) A nice little old lady talked me into dropping the price of the dryer from $75 to $50 She didn't know how to get it home, so we agreed to drive the dryer across town to help her. She lived in a $750,000 home in a very exclusive subdivision. I felt like a big sucker.

3) A crackhead refused to pay 25 cents for jeans, but also refused to put them back. I ended up selling them for 10 cents to get her out of the garage before things started coming up missing.

4) Another old lady tried to hustle me by asking me to make change for her $100 bill 5 different ways. Thank God I have been employed in so many crappy cashier jobs that I was onto her.

Yeah, I need to think twice before I garage sale again.
TAGS:
family home

Phobias

2007-06-12T19:22:00.000-07:00

As I have mentioned a few times, I am trying to have a garage sale. It is taking every spare moment and even moments I don't have to spare. Today I came home from work, kissed Manther, unloaded the work bag, started chili, and rushed out to the garage to clean, price and stack. I got two feet into the garage and I heard rustling and chirping in the rafters. I froze for a second and then ran out of there and half way down the driveway. I am terrified of birds in enclosed places. The little buggers are always weaving in and out of the rafters when I grocery shop at Meijer's and it is all I can do to force myself through the produce section. The rafters in Meijer's are much higher than the rafters in my garage and I was terrified. I tended chili and soaked in the baby pool with Manther for a few minutes. I laughed at myself and my irrational behavior. It's a silly fear and there is no reason I couldn't go in there an chase that bird out. I made it three steps into the garage before terror drove me out the second time. I tried to flush the bird out from the outside. I opened and shut the garage door and I hosed down the side of the garage to make noise. It scared the bird, but instead of leaving he started recruiting other birds. He chirped and chirped and birds started swooping into the yard and perching on the fence to chirp back at him. One duck stood outside the garage and I had to run right at him to get him to leave the yard. At this point, I lost the ability to minimize my fear and I shut the garage and went inside the house to hide. I waited for Hubby to come home. When he arrived, I told him my plight and he boldly went into the garage and waved a broom around. Manther stood there with him and danced and laughed. I was scared she was going to get hurt and started to go and drag her back into the house. Then I realized Manther was safe in the garage and I was being a freak... again. The bird was chased out and Hubby and Manther clapped and laughed. I nearly cried. I can take on a lot of bugs and even an occasional rodent, but birds and bats bring me to my knees quickly.
TAGS:
family home

Giving 100%

2007-06-09T19:59:00.000-07:00

I have been blog lazy for the past few days. We are trying to have a garage sale and it is consuming all of my free time. I am glad to get rid of all the stuff, but I am not enthusiastic about the scrubbing, organizing, and pricing. I took a break today to go the a surprise 50th birthday party for the neighbor. I wish I had stayed home.
I really like the guest of honor. He is the nicest guy and frequently does our snowblowing. He is a little bit quiet and very laid back and seems to be a great father and husband. His wife is nice, also, although she is a more outspoken and louder than her spouse. I met her whole family today and it was very uncomfortable. The host of the party was the wife's best friend and the party was populated by primarily two groups of people, the wife's family and the guest of honor's coworkers. The host seemed be working very hard and I would have expected the wife's family to pitch in. They talked about it, but rather than helping they discussed how much they had already helped. Then, the wife's family decided to start drinking (and sending children to fetch drinks, one of my pet peeves) and got a louder and cruder while the host and her husband continued to work very hard. The wife ended up leaving to tend to a sick baby and that is, of course, a priority and very valid. I was frustrated her family was partying rather than stepping up and filling in.
I am sure there are folks reading this who think I am simply overreacting to the consumption of alcohol and having a 'good time'. I can't answer with certainty, but I don't think that was the case. I have been around people partying since I have gotten sober. I am not in that environment a lot because I choose to avoid it if possible, but it has happened a few times. Am I uncomfortable in this situation? Yes, usually on some level I am. Was today's discomfort different? Yes, there was a lot more frustration and anger in it.
My commitment was short and I left quickly and it bothered no one. I am glad. And grateful. I come from a famiy where pitching in is taught early on and it's hard for me to watch people celebrate at the expense of the host of the party.

Jump!

2007-06-06T20:24:00.001-07:00

This post is not about the Van Halen song (aren't you relieved?). It's about muppets, again. I have a deadline at work and I am working pretty darn hard right now. I came home and was exhausted yesterday and Manther's irritability suggested she was exhausted, too. Even though I knew it was a mistake, we took a nap from 6-8pm. The natural consequence of this was that Manther wasn't tired at bedtime or for a few of the hours after that. At 11:45pm I gave up and stuck her and her babies, Elmo, Cookie, and Ernie, in the bed between Hubby and I. I rolled over intending to go to sleep. Manther played nicely for a few minutes. She covered the muppets and gave them bottles and patted them on the back to put them to sleep. Then, she decided everyone should jump. She would toss a random muppet into the air and yell, "Jump Elmo" or Cookie or Ernie. I thought the quickest way to end this game might be to let her tire of it, so I tried to ignore it and doze off. But, anxiety builds in you while you are laying there wondering if you will be bombed with a stuffed animal and that anxiety makes it extremely difficult to sleep. Hubby opened one eye and asked, "Is she throwing Elmo at us?" I said, "No, the muppets are jumping on the bed." I don't know if it was genius or an effort an humor, but Hubby's response to this was amazing. He sat up and gave all the muppets a firm reprimand and told them to go to sleep. Manther was delighted that the muppets were being acknowledged as members of the family. She lined them up at the head of the bed and started wagging her finger at them and talking to them in her stern tone. I guess it wore her out because the next thing I remember is morning and Manther asleep on a pile of her Sesame Street friends.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

The courage to admit you don't know the answer

2007-06-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

I have a 1998 Mercury Sable with 160K miles on it. During a moment of extreme poverty three years ago, we had to buy a car. The best we could do was the Sable with 125K on it and even then we had to get a loan to pay for it. The car has required regular repairs ever since it was purchased and our most recent mechanic seemed pretty good. He owned a few shops and we never saw him face to face, but he would call in the early am on the morning after we dropped the car off. He gave the diagnosis and estimate and did the work fast and we had a decent running vehicle when he finished. He recently hired a full time mechanic for the shop. The new guy just doesn't have the skills his employer does.
We dropped the car off last Friday and it had a rough idle and acceleration. The Saturday morning call from the new guy reported we needed an alternator, tension pulley, and serpentine belt. This didn't sound quite right. An alternator charges your battery, but it doesn't have a whole lot to do with how the car idles. I did believe the parts he listed were old and not performing optimally, but that was true for most of the parts in the car and I didn't believe the parts he listed were causing the problem we wanted fixed. The new guy assured us this needed to be done and so we gave in and agreed to the $500. Saturday afternoon he called to tell us the repairs hadn't corrected the problem. The problem was caused by the PSE valve and he wanted to replace it. My husband told he he wouldn't pay anymore than we already had and the new guy agreed to put the PSE valve in at no cost, but it wouldn't be done until Monday morning.
Monday morning the phone call came and the report was that the problem still existed and this time the cure would be the idle control valve. He couldn't replace it for free, but, if I picked the part up at Murray's, he would put it in for free. I said we would think about it and I would pick my car up that afternoon. It was pretty obvious that guy had no clue what was causing the problem , but instead of admit that to me he was going to keep replacing parts.
I was discussing the unresolved problem with the mechanic when I went to pick the car up because I was curious what his line of reasoning was for replacing the idle control valve. He told me his wife drives a Ford (uh-huh, um , why do I care) and they were driving to Wompers Lake, a nice lake out by Saline (get to the damn point), last summer and the rpms on the car went really high (not the same problem my car has). He told her to pull over so the car didn't blow up (I guess you have evolved high enough to have self-preservation instincts). He tinkered around and got the idle to drop, but he couldn't figure out what the probem was (sounds familiar). The next day his friend at work told him it was the idle control valve.
So, I just paid $500 to someone whose high tech method of diagnosis is to ask the hillbilly working next to him. I want to be mad. I want to demand my money back. I want to call him all sorts of names and point out what an imbecile he is. But, who's the real imbecile here? Probably the fool who trusted her car to back yard mechanic who looks like he played a mountain person in the movie "Deliverance".

Celebrities that I would marry

2007-06-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

I mentioned something about marrying a celebrity in the case of my husband's untimely death in my last post. And, someone was kind enough to inquire about my list of future celebrity husbands. I must forewarn you that I like the ruggedly handsome, superhero, over the top macho men. Get ready to roll your eyes.

1) Russell Crowe - Australian men have got something special
2) Harrison Ford - I know he's getting old, but his machismo is still there
3) Mel Gibson - He's got a drinking problem, but he's Australian

Those are the top three. There are others I might date: Bruce Willis - macho and attractive but a little too obnoxious to marry. Keanu Reeves - very cute but might be annoying stupid. Anthony Kiedis - so very, very hot but he has been living the lifestyle since he was young and I think he's damaged (the poor dear). If you're thinking that there are no recent celebrities on the list, you would be right. I have been living with very little TV or celebrity news since Manther was born, so I might have missed some serious hotties that recently entered the scene.

10 reasons I love flip flops

2007-06-01T18:51:00.000-07:00

1) Everyone can own a dozen pair because they only cost $1

2) They come in an endless variety of colors

3) If they get dirty, you can just hose them off

4) They dry in minutes even if they're soaking wet

5) It's easy to get a good fit

6) Easy off and on

7) They make a rythmic, slapping sound when you walk in them.

8) You can wear them with shorts, jeans, capris, or dresses

9) It's acceptable to trip when you're wearing them

10) They automatically exclude you from events that require running

TAGS:
family home

And the answer is...

2007-05-31T20:00:00.001-07:00

This is a sidewalk chalk original that was a gift to me from Lila, the 10 year old who lives down the block. The older girls on the block came over to play with Manther today and they were so excited about the sidewalk chalk. It's from Crayola and it's shaped like eggs. They told me it was cool. It may be the only cool thing I've ever done.
As long as we're on the topic of me not being cool, I have to share something. When I did a meme a few days ago I revealed that Nael is not my real name. A couple people asked what my real name is and why I picked Nael. My real name is Sarah, but I was concerned about anonymity when I started this blog so I used a pen name. I guess I'm still a bit concerned about anonymity, but I'm sure this won't allow anyone to identify me because there are a lot of sarahs out there. The nerdy thing is how I picked 'Nael'. It's a bit unlikely because I think it's an male irish name and I am neither male nor irish. I took the words sober and clean and I spelled them backwards and came up with Nael C. Robes. After sharing this, you are probably wondering if I am a pathetic 10 year old and whether I spend my spare time writing my first name next to the last name of hot celebrities so I can see how my name will look after we get married. I am not 10 years old, but I might still occasionally think about marrying a celebrity if my husband kicked off. You are definitely not reading a cool person's blog.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

A beautiful summer night

2007-05-30T21:34:00.000-07:00

I just spent a few minutes on the patio with hubby enjoying a summer night. The moon is full and the air is thick and it felt magical. He must have felt the same way because he looked at me and asked, "Do you have any idea how lucky we are?" He listed his gratitudes and I agreed with every one.
The attitude of gratitude was prompted by more than just the summer air. Hubby had just returned from a job site where I had also been helping move appliances. The site is a condo that is being sold to a young couple. The previous owner/landlord is replacing floors and painting as part of the rent to own agreement. My husband sold the floors and the installation is half done. The owner is already finding every possible thing to complain about. There are smudges on the wall here and a hairline fracture in the molding behind the door and he was quite certain that scratch wasn't here before the installation started. The young couple doesn't seem particularly concerned with any of these things, but that doesn't relax the owner's attitude at all. He even tried to micromanage the relocation and hook-up of the appliances, something my husband and the young man are experienced in and the owner has probably never really done.
Finally, we made it out of there and home to the patio to relax. Hubby could have been miserable and I would have forgiven him after dealing with that wretched little jerk for 2 hours, but instead he was grateful. After he shared his gratitudes, he told me it didn't matter how much money the owner of that condo had. He was obviously a miserable man and Hubby was glad he didn't have that life. I completely agree.
TAGS:
marriage family home

A sea of gratitude for the anonymous lady at CVS

2007-05-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

My husband and I planned all sorts of home improvements and repairs for Memorial Day weekend. We did a respectable job of getting things accomplished despite the distraction of Manther being a whiny, clingy, obstinate, two year old terror. By Monday afternoon, I was worn out. But, we still had one very important job to complete. When we moved into this house, my mother-in-law gave us her old living room furniture to replace the nasty, beat-up, sectional we had. That was three years ago and we never managed to move it to our house. The move was finally going to happen on Monday. As we struggled to squeeze the couch through the doorway of the spare bedroom it was stored in, Manther had a meltdown and gave repeated loud, piercing screams for 5 minutes. It was impossible for us to continue moving furniture with that racket so I took a few minutes to calm her down. I soon realized a pacifier was absolutely necessary for us to complete this move and I had not brought one. We drove to CVS and Manther spotted her 'noogies' as soon as we entered the baby aisle. I snatched them off the shelf and quickly paid. She was begging and insisting so I opened the package as soon as we stepped out the door. The silence that followed was heavenly.

We returned to my mother-in-law's house and I started to exit the car. I couldn't find my wallet anywhere and I felt rising panic. The neighborhoods surrounding my mother-in-law's have seen a lot of poverty and drugs in recent years and the CVS I had visited was in a ghetto. I could not recall what I had done with my wallet, but I was certain that I would be robbed if I left it anywhere near that store. My husband had just given me money for bills and there was $600 in the wallet. I was in tears. My husband and I (and Manther who is now totally silent and quite interested in mommy's meltdown) raced back to the store. As we pulled in the driveway, I saw a woman standing in front of the store with my wallet in her hands. She had found it sitting on the trash can and was wondering whether to take it back into the store. All of my cash was still in it. I thanked her several times and I wanted to hug her, but I didn't want to scare her with my drama. It would have taken my husband and I a month to replace that money and it would have been a financial burden for that month and probably the next. I was convinced we would never find that wallet and, if we did, it wouldn't have any cash in it. I am so grateful to the anonymous woman for her honesty and I pray that I an always be that honest, also.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Evidence for expression of my genes...finally

2007-05-27T19:24:00.000-07:00

Manther has always favored her father and his side of the family. She looks like him and acts like him. They share favorite foods, a wide instep, and a predisposition for cold sores. That's the short list. Everyday we find a new characteristic she and her father share and sometimes I feel like the outsider. I had my day on Saturday. We lost electricity and went to McDonald's for lunch. She can't eat at McDonald's because the allure of the play area is too overwhelming, so she ate when we got home. I put some ketchup on a plate so she could dip her fries and nuggets and left the room to do laundry (what else?). When I returned, she was face first in the ketchup licking it from the plate. This is my little sister's signature move and definitely a contribution from my gene pool. I guess she is half mine after all!

TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

10 things you never cared to know about Nael

2007-05-24T19:34:00.000-07:00

I got this one from girl and I have to list 10 things about myself. I had a lot of trouble coming up with 10 things I haven't talked about already in this blog. I've been pretty open and I just don't have that much going on in my life that is interesting. Here's my best effort.

1) I'm a P. K. That means pastor's kid. My Dad is a retired Lutheran minister.

2) I haven't lived at home full time since I was 14. I went to boarding school and I would come back to visit over summer and vacation, but I never lived at home during the school year.

3) I screw up plane tickets terribly. I can purchase them correctly, but I can't read them. In the first big screw up, I showed up for departure when the plane was landing at it's destination. The second big screw up I showed up at the wrong airport. I now have someone review my ticket with me after I purchase it so I know where to show up and when.

4) I was told I would not be able to conceive without the aid of medication when I was 17. They were wrong.

5) This one I think everyone probably knows. Nael is not my real name.

6) I have freakishly skinny ankles...and very broad shoulders...so I sort of look like a triangle upside down. I probably shouldn't wear capri's, but I do.

7) I was engaged to another man about 7-8 years ago. It fell through because we both got strung out on drugs.

8) I have never lived outside of Michigan, but I have lived in about 6 cities in Michigan. I always thought I would leave Michigan after college and live in a big city like Chicago or New York.

9) I love to mow lawns. We did it all the time as kids for extra money and I find it very soothing. I mow our lawn all the time, but I have not told my husband I enjoy it and I never will.

10) I look more attractive with a baseball cap than without. I have a big head and big hair and the cap sort of makes the hair smaller.

Well, I hope that entertained and informed. Now to pass this little gem on. How about Tab and Christine?

My laundry basket overfloweth

2007-05-23T19:55:00.001-07:00

If shorts and T-shirts are half the size of sweaters and jeans, why does the laundry basket fill 3 times faster in warm weather than it does in cold weather? I washed darks on Sunday and this was staring me in the face when I came home from work today. I think the laundry procreates when I'm gone at work because the pile didn't look this big in the morning.
TAGS:
family home

Gold Star

2007-05-22T20:05:00.000-07:00

I've talked a lot about my recovery on this blog, but I don't often mention how hard Hubby has worked to get sober again. About two years ago, Hubby relapsed after 14 years sober. A few months previous, hubby had a car accident that left him unemployed with a disabling back injury. Along with these challenges, there were consequences from law enforcement and child protective services following the relapse. He did everything he was told to do. He dropped all painkillers except for ibuprofen and forced himself to outpatient therapy, meetings, parenting classes, and doctor's appointments for almost 6 months. He stuck it out through surgery and rehab and gave up his installation business and interviewed for jobs. He has been at his new job 14 months and he just received his 3rd raise yesterday (yeah!) because he has worked hard to become an outstanding employee and (in my opinion) quite a salesman. On top of all this, he's moonlighting as an installer every chance he gets to bring extra money in. I'm very proud of his amazing progress in the program and in life and so grateful for effort he makes to build a future for us.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Your mama is so big...

2007-05-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

My husband stole one of the promotional balloons from a sale at work and brought it home. It is gigantic and Manther loves it. Manther only completes about 1 night a week in her own bed (major bad habit that her parents are slacking on), so, when Manther moved to our bed, the balloon spent the night with us, too. I woke up staring at this monstrous blue circle and my first thought was a line I heard at a comedy show, "Your mama is so big she has her own moon." I guess it's time to go on a diet.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Tag from A to Z

2007-05-18T12:10:00.000-07:00

Toni tagged me with this a few days ago and I put it off until Friday. Here goes nothing.

A- Attached or Single? Umm, married. Attached sounds like something you do with a part of your body.

B- Best Friend- IRL, Lisa and Amie. They were in transitional housing with me for a year and they are still sober and my buddies. They were there to pick up the pieces when I had a wedding the weekend of no electricity, they helped the nurse give my daughter her first bath, and they babysat and gave support when hubby relapsed. They are my lifeline.

C- Cake or Pie- Cheesecake...is that cake or pie? With strawberries in sauce and real whipping cream on top. YUMMMM.

D- Drink of choice- Used to by anything with alcohol. Nowadays I won't even drink too much caffeine. I love and embrace my lameness. The answer is: fruit punch juicy juice, straight, undiluted.

E- Essential Items- Phone, wallet, keys. The three things I pat myself down for every time I leave the house.

F- Favorite color- green, lots of different shades of it.

G- Gummi Bears or Worms- I'm with Toni. I'm not really into the gummi thing. Chocolate or hard candy.

H- Hometown- I call Ann Arbor my hometown. I can't afford to live there, but I live close and I feel safest when I am there.

I- Indulgence- Ice cream. So fattening, but I still do it. Breyer's, usually dark cherry with chocolate.

J- January or February?- February. January is way too long.

K- Kids- 1 girl. Working on number two. My husband has to learn how to get home before 10 pm so we can work on number 2.

L- Life is incomplete without- sobriety, family, friends. In that order.

M- Marriage Date- August 16, 2003. The weekend the electricity went out in the eastern quadrant. See 'U'.

N-Number of Siblings- Two sisters, one brother. All are fantastic people. My sisters are the other end of my lifeline.

O- Oranges or Apples?- Apples, oranges get all over when you peel them and you smell citrusy for the rest of the day.

P- Phobias/Fears- Flying things, birds and bats, especially in enclosed spaces.

Q- Favorite Quote- Alexander Graham Bell, “When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

R- Reason to Smile- I am sober today.

S- Seasons- Fall, I am too pale for summer, intolerant of the bitter winter temps, and there's always a lot of work to do in spring. Also, fall clothes are the cutest.

T- Tags- This is a bit tricky, I don't want to screw up the format of anybody's blog (like Trudging's gratitude list). How about Lushgirl and A. J. Reams?

U- Unknown fact about me- Two days before my wedding, the largest blackout in North America occurred. This is now known as Northeast Blackout of 2003. There was no gas or air conditioning until about 10 hours before the ceremony. I was a wreck. But, everyone was able to gas up in time to get there (even my parents coming to MI from Toronto) and we took what we could get for flowers and menu. I guess it worked because we're still married.

V- Vegetarian or oppressor of animals? Meat, I love meat. I even worked in a few butcher shops.

W- Worse Habit- The snooze alarm. I just hate being woken up in the morning.

X-X-rays or ultrasounds- I don't really have a strong preference here. I guess you don't have to drink gallons of water for an X-ray so I prefer those.

Y- Your Favorite Food- There are so many. I guess a really good hoagie.

Z- Zodiac- Saggitarius

Thanks Toni! I hope you have a great weekend away!

The best job of all

2007-05-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

Last night was meeting night and I am pleased to say that I was able to feel pretty comfortable at my table again. I am learning names and faces and I don't feel like a stranger in a foreign land. The table was about resentments and many shared about resentments related to their jobs. I heard about condescending bosses and demanding customers and backstabbing coworkers. I was filled with gratitude because I have an awesome job today.

Before recovery, I had a high-stress, big-money pharmaceutical job. I lost it due to crappy using behavior and it was one of my drunken regrets. In the back of my mind, I intended to return to that type of job when I was sober enough to handle the stress. Barely employable in early sobriety, I took whatever job came along, short order cook at Bill Knapp's, meat counter at Meijer (I really liked this job and almost stayed), and cashier at the local Alano Club (terrible, cruel, condescending boss, lots of 13 steppers, not all things recovery are good). After two years of sobriety, my sponsor told me I could move on and put in resumes related to my previous career.

I left a big black mark on my record in the pharmaceutical industry, so I applied at the local academic research institution initially. I was given a chance by a kind MD/professor and worked hard for him. I continued to watch the job openings and, almost a year after he hired me, I got an interview at a pharmaceutical company. I really thought this was where I was supposed to be and I was crushed when I was not offered the job. I worked through it with the help of the program and got comfortable with the job I had. We bought a house and got pregnant and, in my 3rd month, I found out our project had lost funding.

I was really shaken and more than a little bit angry. Why would God refuse me the tasty pharmaceutical job and also take away my humble academic position? I am the primary income and insurance carrier in our little family. I had a baby on the way and had no choice but to interview with my protruding belly. I was hired by the most amazing boss ever. She is a pediatric MD, a surgeon, a researcher, and mother of 4. She is one of the smartest people I have ever met, yet she respects my opinion and decisions and is grateful for the work I do. My first year working for her, I missed time for childbirth, my husband's car accident, back injury, relapse related court dates and parenting classes, and back surgery. On top of all this, Manther was diagnosed with 5 earaches her first year in daycare and I had to drag her out of daycare and to the doc's numerous times. I was ashamed of my trailer trash life and all the work I missed, but I tried to stay on top of things and be focused at work. She never criticized me or questioned all the personal time, but instead told me I was doing a great job and gave me a merit raise.

There is nothing I dread about coming into work and I could never have picked a job that allows me to split my time between mother, wife, and employee. God had to pick this job for me. That pharmaceutical job I wanted? That company shut it's doors this year and I would have been standing in an unemployment line if I had gotten my way 3 years ago. I am so grateful God took care of me and put me where I am today. I only wish I had been more accomodating while he was working things out for me.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

Cats and Dogs

2007-05-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

This is not mine. It got forwarded to me via email yesterday and it made me laugh. I hope it does the same for you.
First, A Dog's Diary:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

"Excerpts from a Cat's Diary" Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

Happy Middle of the Week!
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Catchin Coons

2007-05-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day! I'm posting again because I'm a bit concerned about my folks. They are willful senior citizens, as many senior citizens are, and they frequently think the rules (laws) don't apply to them. They have had a raccoon with babies living in the walls of their condo for a few weeks. The critter company has been trying for 10 days to catch it. I got this email today.

'We now know why the raccoon moved to the wall between the liv. room and bedroom. Scott from ###### placed the trap right up against the opening where the coon went in. It had no choice but to enter the trap. So the smart little devil was working on another opening. Don't know if she was successful. I made a bed in the study with couch cushions and closed the door. Dad said from time to time the noice and banging would wake him. My imagination ran away with me and I tho't I smelled sawdust in our bedroom.

Dad is oiling his gun.'

Perhaps some of you think I gun is an okay idea in this situation. I assure you it is not. My father's gun is older than I am and I have only seen him use it once about 15 years ago. He has lost 75% of his sight since then and I am pretty convinced he won't be a good shot. This is a condominium community, not the plains of Montana. You can't just open fire whenever you think it's appopriate. What the hell. I wrote them back and asked them to come stay with me for a while rather than resort to gunfire. I hope that stupid coon enters the trap before my parents get arrested. I really don't want to read about this on the front page of the paper.

Whining

2007-05-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, I'm doing it. I have to go to a birthday party tonight. For a nephew and a mother-in-law. I have to go to a potluck tomorrow. For a coworker. All are nice people, but I want to frolick and bike ride and run through the thick, lush spring grass with my daughter. I don't want to spend my precious and limited time after work going to parties and making pasta dishes. Okay, enough whining. I am an adult and therefore must accept a serious reduction in frolicking time. I will dutifully go to Meijer's and proceed with wrapping gifts and cooking. Yuck.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Party Favors

2007-05-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

I got to see my sister this weekend. We behaved in a very juvenile manner and it was fun. We were reliving her baby shower and laughing at her mother-in-law. My mother, who refuses to say anything bad about anyone no matter how much fun it might be, says that my sister's MIL is a very 'focused' and 'directed' person. My sister uses other words to describe her. Her MIL is excited about the baby and did a lot of work for the shower. She enjoys crafts and usually makes some very nice stuff (well, not as nice as girl's, but still decent). She went to all the work to paint faces and embroider hats and make lace thingys for these little doll heads. I think she made about 30 of them. But, they have no body and they are freaky looking. I don't know exactly what they are. The MIL called them an 'ornament'. They look more like an unattached head to me. My sister and I had to try and keep a straight face as we set a bodyless doll at each place setting. The worst part is that the heads were stored in these egg cartons. While 1 of these looks a little freaky, 12 of them perched at angles in an egg carton was hysterical. My mother was hissing at us under her breath as we tried to suppress our giggles. The truth is I cannot do crafts AT ALL. I nearly failed 'art' in grade school and sewing is like torture for me. So, do I have the right to laugh? Not at all. It was terrible behavior, but you just can't be good all the time.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

He cars and she cars

2007-05-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

Manther is a tomboy and really enjoys vehicles. 'Car' was a word she learned early on and shortly after that she started referring to my sedan as 'mama car' and her father's van as 'dada car'. When we went for walks, she would point out other sedans and say 'mama car' or 'dada car' when large square vehicles drove by. I acknowledged what she was saying by repeating, "Yes, that does look like mama's car." or "Yes, a van just like dada's." Slowly, her language skills are improved and she pointed out trucks and motorcycles. Despite her improved vocabulary, she continues to call smaller sedans and compacts 'mama car' and larger vans and minivans 'dada car'. A she talked more and more about these cars and vans, I began to realize the 'mama' and 'dada' indicate that she has assigned them a gender and I have reinforced this by agreeing with her for the past 6 months. Apparently, all smaller, low-to-ground vehicles are feminine and taller square vehicles are masculine. Trucks and motorcycles are outlyers right now. I don't really know how to correct this situation, or if I need to. I think the vehicles in 'Cars' had a gender. Weren't some of those feminine? So, I guess I'll let her go on thinking there are 'he' cars and 'she' cars. I think men have been assigning a gender to their vehicles for decades and it doesn't appear to have screwed them up. Or has it?
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Nael finally has a meeting

2007-05-10T12:57:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. I went to my Wednesday night meeting and I was sort of comfortable for the first time in suburban AA. I knew almost everyone at the table and it was suggested I lead. Last time this was suggested, I led with the format that is typically used at that meeting, i.e. lots of table leader feedback, and it felt awkward and uncomfortable. This time I decided to just do it the way I was comfortable. We shared around the table and I shared last and I think everyone, including me, thought it was a good table. Whew! I might be able to get some recovery in the suburbs yet.
The downer is that a very active, long-time member of AA in our community has lost his job. It was quite a good job and he is taking it hard. Jobs are so scarce in this state and I would be surprised if he is able to find employment without relocating. If he leaves the state, he leaves behind a daughter who lives with his ex-wife. I am sure he will still get visits with her, but they will probably go from once a week to once every 6 months. Everyone please send M your prayers so he can make it through this and still remain an active part of his daughter's life.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

The Baby Shower

2007-05-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

My sister's baby shower was this weekend and I think everyone had a nice time. I come from a long line of loud, gregarious, talk-with-your-hands, say-what's-on-your-mind women and most of them showed up for the shower. The family of the father-to-be walked in, said 'hello', and politely took their seats. They chatted pleasantly and snacked until game time when they listened and played along. My family walked in and spent an inordinately long time greeting each other with big hugs and kisses. They walked around and snacked and conversed loudly with hand gestures until we SUGGESTED they sit so we could start the games. They rearranged chairs so no one could tell whose door prize belonged to who and had animated conversations the entire time we were conducting games. No one won anything because I don't think anyone was actually participating in the games. Finally, we surrendered to the chaos and handed everyone a prize and told my sister to start opening gifts. I am making fun of my family, but I am proud to be one of them. They are a group of sympathetic, smart, strong individuals and I think these are all admirable characteristics. I'll continue to enjoy their antics, even if family gatherings feel a like being trapped in a room with 20 agitated cockatoos.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Grass...no, not that kind

2007-05-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

I was driving by our city buildings yesterday and something caught my eye. No, it was not the building itself, although I am startled by the ostentatious glass structure set in the middle of what was recently a cornfield. I focused on one of the blurbs in the prominent, lit-up, scrolling sign that reads, “Keep it neat! Grass should be no higher than 5 inches.” This bothers me on several levels. I am very American in that I hate it when the government regulates any part of my life that I feel they have no business in. I definitely think they crossed that boundary when they give me suggestions on the length of a proper lawn. The other thing that nagged me is the suggested length, 5 inches. I think my lawn is 5 inches long when I finish cutting it, not when I decide to cut it. This is ‘setting the bar high’, even for the suburbs. So, here’s MY suggestion. Let’s not worry about the length of the lawn because that’s really not hurting anybody. Instead, let’s work on the dangerously aggressive mode of driving that is fashionable in my burb. If we can convince the SUV and minivan drivin’ mamas to view a human life as equal to getting Bobby and Sue to soccer practice on time, we might actually create a safer place to live.
TAGS:
marriage family home home repair

MIA

2007-05-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting much the past few days. I feel (and look) like ICK from a nasty cold Manther brought home from daycare. Manther and hubby and I are all stuck in the ICK and the theme at our house is short tempered irritability with lots of crying and whining. My husband is the one doing most of the crying and whining. Manther has decided to get as many waking hours as possible with the ICK and only sleeps about 6 hours a night. These hours are not consecutive. I was feeling like a wimp, but then I came into work and saw a coworker who also has the ICK. I am not mentally exaggerating how crappy I look because she was stumbling around wearing a thick sweater and a pale face with sunken eyes and a puffy, red nose. I could totally relate and am wearing the same sweater and face. So, lots of fluids and rest and I hope to post something more upbeat tomorrow.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

I am a super-genius

2007-05-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

I have not only managed to add a banner to my blog (thanks to tips for new bloggers), but I also made a web page for my profile and linked to it. Click on my profile and see for yourself. I realized these are remedial skills for the average blogger, but I am not your average blogger. I fall someplace below average. Okay, that was a lot of thinking for me and I am blog-tired. See ya tomorrow.

On bad bedside manner

2007-05-01T12:06:00.000-07:00

Manther had her two year check-up yesterday and I had a special problem I wanted to point out to the doctor. Manther has an intermittent lazy eye that she inherited from my husband's side of the family. I first noticed it a few months ago and immediately went to the internet because I wanted to confirm that some latent virus had not gone beserk and attacked her neurological system. I did research and more or less excluded this possibility and also found intermittent lazy eyes do not usually affect sight, especially at 2 years old. Based on this, I decided to wait until her two year check up to point it out to the doctor and proceed with treatment.
During the appointment yesterday, the doctor asked if I noticed anything unusual and I mentioned the eye.

Her reply, "I'm SO glad you brought that up. That's SO important." I started to reply and was cut off.

"That HAS to be looked at. If this is not treated while she if young, the brain could shut down in that area. Do you know what that means?" I start to reply and I am cut off.

"She could go BLIND in that eye. If the brain shuts down in that area, she'll be BLIND in one eye. Now, I know you can live with one eye, but do you want that for her?" I stop trying to reply and start suppressing a smirk. The doctor sees that I am trying not to laugh at her because I am thinking of 'A Christmas Story' and 'you'll poke your eye out' and she takes it down a notch.

"I know losing sight at this age is not likely, but if this goes untreated that could happen."

Can someone tell me at what point in time during this appointment I denied that my child had a medical condition or refused treatment? Here's a word of advice to the pediatricians out there: it's a bit upsetting for parents to be told their children are going blind, so maybe that shouldn't be EM-PHA-SIZED unless necessary. If you enjoy watching a mother weeping and clutching her chest in the examination room while begging for immediate surgery to save her poor baby's eye, then this is definitely the approach you want to take. However, if you would like everyone to remain sane during the appointment, how about responding with, "I'm glad you brought that up. I'm going to give you a referral to ophthalmology and they can tell you how to proceed." Jeesh!
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

This one's for Trudging!

2007-04-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

Trudging, you told me not to trust that Elmo and you were right. I left the muppets alone on the back patio and look what I returned to. Muppets gettin freaky. AND, I'm not convinced Cookie's participation is voluntary.

TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

3rd step prayer

2007-04-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

I'm working on the third step today and it's a struggle for me. It's really gets in the way of what I want and I HATE not getting what I want.

It was a beautiful weekend and we celebrated Manther's birthday. This meant lawn mowing and housecleaning and shopping and cooking all scrunched into Saturday day so we could decorate and celebrate on Sunday. Of course, hubby was working both days so I was running around like crazy. I am getting used to this and I didn't mind. Also, I had to take 2 hours out of my day on Sunday to run materials to hubby's job site, but I didn't mind this, either. I could squeeze it in before the party and I was able to help him out. I really love my family, house, and home life and I like being able to throw myself into the weekends and get stuff done.

The weather was beautiful and the extended family came over for the party and the meal was yummy because Grandma helped cook it (I was running materials to the job site, remember?). Then, grandma (my mom) pulled me aside and told me that my dad got drunk, drove, and ran into their garage door. He didn't just hit it. He drove all the way to the middle of the garage before she ran out to stop him. His drinking is out of control and, if we don't get him into treatment, he's going to kill somebody. Mom's going to make some phone calls to determine what we can get him into and we're going to proceed with an intervention.

I don't want to do this. I just want it to go away. I just struggled through my husband's first couple years of sobriety and I'm not prepared to go through the drama with someone else. I want to fix up my house and have another baby and make more money and move to a nicer neighborhood and be Ward and Beverly Cleaver. Apparently, this is not what God had planned. I am praying and I am praying and trying to accept his will. It might be a while before I have peaceful and serene acceptance of this situation, but at least I am working that direction.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

Happy Birthday Manther!

2007-04-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Manther's second birthday. The celebration is on Sunday, but I had my own little celebration with her at home. I bought her a fake cell phone and the candy she picked out at the dollar store. Then, I put all my chores on the back burner and went outside and played with her all night. We had a fantastic time.

This is a picture of Manther watering our new tree in the back yard. She is watering it with a squirt bottle.This is a picture of Manther walking Cookie Monster and Elmo in the wagon. We saw two fire engines on this walk. One had sirens on.

This is a picture of Manther helping Cookie Monster touch the street lamp at the end of the street. Manther enjoys the texture and feel of objects and she likes to share this with her friends. Happy Birthday Big Girl!

TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

I am an unfashionable hypocrite

2007-04-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

Evidence for my hypocrisy was provided in the previous post. The unfashionable thing is a separate problem and should have been obvious to me much earlier in life. I am a nerd to the core and I have always known this. I have a sixth sense for picking the thing that is uncool and not trendy. SO, if I am poking fun at a new fashion trend, everyone should go out and get one because it is guaranteed to be a big hit. Last week, I made fun of a hairstyle and, inspired by my coworkers interpretation of what she saw at the mall, I called it 'skunk hair'. Well, L (the coworker) did a little research this week and guess what she found? It's SUPPOSED to look like a skunk . (read paragraph 3 in this link). I am really clueless when it comes to the cutting edge of anything. Case in point, I started blogging in December of this year and had really never heard of it before. As I quickly learned, blogging had been around for quite a while and I am definitely entering the crowd somewhere near the end. Oh well, if my misfit nerdiness has saves me from doing freaky things to me head, I guess I'm okay with it.

I am a hypocrite

2007-04-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

After all that bitching about yuppies spending money on their kids, guess what Manther is getting for her birthday. She has fallen in love with motorcycles and her daddy just can't say 'no'. This little thing is motorized (really unnecessary since she has boundless energy) and cost as much as cable and internet access for 1 month. Or one week of groceries. Or 1 month's cell phone bill. Or two weeks of gas. You get the picture. Ai-yai-yai. I was going to take a firm stand against it's purchase, but some of the moms I work with suggested I let hubby spoil Manther a bit. I just have to make certain this does not become a regular occurrence. That won't be too difficult. If it becomes a regular occurrence, we won't have a house or garage to store her beautiful gifts in.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Baby Shower Games

2007-04-25T09:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, fellow female bloggers (or male if you're into this sort of thing), I need some help. Sis's baby shower is in 1 week. She has had so much chaos this pregnancy: bleeding, job loss (both her's and her hubby's), house sale, relocation, house purchase, and lots of stressful stuff. I want to make her shower really fun and I want some fun (and not too high maintenance) baby shower games to get the crowd laughing. Any ideas?

The screen door is not a trampoline

2007-04-24T09:32:00.000-07:00

I am a fresh air fanatic and, for this reason, my patio screen door is very important to me. I love being able to throw open the windows and doors to rid the house of the stale bedroom and cooking odors that harbor in the corners without giving free entry to every bug in Michigan. Our house is a beat-up shack (all we could afford) that had been abused by the previous owners and the patio screen door had not escaped their destructive hand. The corner of the screen was ripped out and, although I had repeatedly tucked it back in with a butter knife, it had to be replaced.
I finally replaced it last weekend and it was a monstrous job. The door could not be popped out easily and I had to wedge and kick and eventually disassemble the surprisingly heavy beast to remove it. I have a hobble now because I punctured the top of my foot in the process. I spent over an hour on the back patio forcing the little gasket and screen in the tiny groove with (you guessed it) my butter knife. Manther learned some new words and also learned she can have all the candy she wants when mommy does house repairs. I forced the door back in and slammed it back and forth (punctured my hand) about 50 times until it jumped onto track. I nearly cried tears of relief and victory when it was back in place. The most amazing thing is that it actually looks pretty good. There weren't a lot of weird waves or bends in the screen. It looked smooth and almost professional.
Manther is fascinated with the new screen. It has good bounce and firmness and makes fine vertical trampoline. She bounces her hands off of it and rolls her face back and forth feeling the screen against her eyes, nose, and mouth. She's tried to climb it a few times and likes to throw her body against it. Yesterday, she started to take a running jump into it, but my screeching stopped her. She pretends to heed my begging and pleas, but returns to her fun screen door games as soon as I am not in the room. Since I work full time, I am 'not in the room' a lot. Today, I will try punishment and I will give her timeouts when she trounces on the screen door. It might prolong the life of the screen door, but I doubt it will save it.
I am working on accepting that the screen door is a luxury for those who don't have dogs and children. If I am able to see it as a 'visitor' rather than a 'permanent resident' in our household, I may actually be able to enjoy it's brief stay with us.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Spring!

2007-04-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

Spring finally showed itself this weekend. The list of housework and yard work was so long, that I barely visited my blog late last night. I definitely feel a sense of accomplishment and I have the aching bones that go along with this. I seeded the bare spots in the lawn and planted a little tree. I wanted to include a picture of it, but I ran out of time. Maybe later in the week. I also replaced the screen in my patio screen door (this is a terrible job), cleaned a bit of the house, mowed the lawn, laundry, grocery shopping, church, and a meeting. My child was left to raise herself most of the weekend with my racing around the house and my husband working 7 days, but the weather was nice and she didn't seem to mind very much. I did enough mothering to throw some Cheerios, cheese, and juice out on her picnic table every couple of hours and reapply the sunscreen. She sure was dirty when I finally brought her in. Yikes. I wonder if the neighbors noticed a filthy child wandering the back yard unattended for hours. Oh well, none of the authorities showed up so I guess it was okay.

The big news is that I got to go to a meeting this weekend. I am usually only allowed one a week because hubby's attendance is mandatory due to probation and someone does have to stay home with the little one. However, a girl I used to support was in treatment in our neighborhood and feeling a bit isolated, so I paid the buck for a babysitter and I went and supported her. It was wonderful to see her, although I wish it was under better circumstances. Her road trip was rough and she was feeling miserable. She had a few years sober, but went off of her meds (she's bipolar I think) and started with self-destructive behavior that ended with using. She kept telling me how homesick she was. She doesn't have a home to return to, but she desperately wants to return to her hometown and is waiting on a 3/4 house there. I can relate. She is from Ann Arbor. I got sober in Ann Arbor and have lived there half of my life. Ann Arbor is a decent size college town and, in my opinion, a great place to live. I have always considered it home. The level of diversity and culture has made it a really unique place on the map of Michigan. When you travel 20 minutes outside of Ann Arbor, the 'feel' of your environment changes dramatically. My husband and I bought a home outside of Ann Arbor and, although it is a nice neighborhood and a great place to raise a family, I have been homesick ever since my move. I am adjusting SLOWLY and I know I will feel comfortable as a suburban housewife eventually. My friend doesn't have to make the adjustment. She can return home after her brief stay in treatment and I reminded her of that. She appreciated the visit and I appreciated being able to sit and laugh with the treatment folks.

So, now back to work. I am trying to stay focused today so I can get the heck out of here and back into the sun before it leaves us. Happy blogging everyone!
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

A little game

2007-04-20T10:55:00.000-07:00

Who can guess what these two unexpectedly similar objects are (don't look below and cheat)? If you guessed 1) the coat of a brown spotted skunk 2) a woman's hairstyle then you were right!
Everyone please forgive me here, but I am going to pick on the suburban wives with whom I coexist. I feel a bit guilty, but they're mean and that alleviates the guilt. Yes, the trend in the obnoxious, new money suburb that we moved to is to dye your hair funky red brown with chunks of blonde. This artificial look is best accompanied with overdone nails and overpriced shoes. Now, before anyone judges me too quickly, let me say that I do think funky hair is quite appropriate and attractive and when it is on a fun, funky person (see below). I know she is a cheerleader, but still likable.
However, when this look is on an IKEA-shopping, man-emasculating, must-flaunt-my-money housewife, it really loses it's funky fun appeal. It is about as appealing as the picture below.
Okay, I'm done with the rotten name calling. I would call my sponsor and make amends, but I don't feel bad about this yet. Maybe someday.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Please believe me when I tell you this is bad behavior

2007-04-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

Well, Manther and I had quite a morning. She was a brat extraodinaire at the daycare drop off. This drop off has been getting worse and worse over the past two months. Nothing external has changed. She has been in the same daycare since she was four months old and the caregivers are quite consistent. However, she has started hanging on me and refusing to remove her coat and insisting on a pacifier and (the straw that broke the camel's back) insisting on keeping her own stuffed animals with her.

I know to the unskilled observer this might look like separation anxiety and, initially, I thought that's what it was. I slowed down and was very gentle and took my time letting her warm up to the environment before I left. This was okay for a week or two, but every accommodation I made was met with a new stubborn action. I give an inch, Manther takes a mile. I believe she is manipulating the situation (yes I do believe a two year old can manipulate) and I am quite sick of it. The caregivers are looking sideways at me and I know they are wondering what the heck I am doing wrong. They keep saying, "She's so well behaved while she is here." Apparently, this is code for, "What sort of crappy parenting makes a kid act like that?" The truth is Manther always behaves for other people. She saves all her rebellion for me. The little darling.

Well, she pushed me to the edge this morning and I left angry with a flushed face. This will not happen again. No stuffed animals will accompany us to daycare even if that means I have to drag her into the car kicking and screaming. I intend to walk into the room, fill out the necessary paperwork, stick lunch in the fridge, give a quick kiss goodbye, and walk out the door again. She is welcome to sit in the middle of the room with her coat on and scream for the next 8 hours. As long as she works through it by thte time I show up to pick her up, I'm okay with it.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Does not play well with others

2007-04-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

This is a post so I can gripe about my job. I try not to post about my job because it is really great in a lot of ways, but sometimes it still gets me down. I am a scientist or, more accurately, research tech. I do experiments for people who have gotten some grant money from the government to do research. I love doing experiments in cell biology, molecular biology, and genetics and that is why I chose this field. There are many failed experiments and the low success rate can be frustrating, but I can work through this with occasional venting.

The more challenging part is the people (isn't this true for every job?). I believe that most scientists have an arrogant and antisocial attitude that stems from, well, being a nerd. All the little resentments that were built early in life as a social outcast turn sideways in adulthood and create a weird, defensive jerk. Is the jerk intelligent? Maybe. Does this intelligence compensate for the jerky behavior? Absolutely not, except maybe in the case of Albert Einstein. Do I belong to this club? You betcha, baby. I have very consciously tried to work on this with my personal inventory, but I still struggle with it.

Okay, what this is really about is cells. I grow cells for experiments, as many of my coworkers do. When the cells get contaminated, the finger pointing starts so we can properly lay blame on the incompetent who was the source of our woe. Although it is never said aloud, scientists believe that almost everything that goes wrong in the laboratory (and in life) is due to someone else's incompetence. I contaminated my own cells last week and, while I was frustrated by the loss of cells, I was also freaked out that I was going to contaminate someone else's cell line and get the incompetent finger pointed at me. So, I quickly announced the problem and spent the following days carefully finding the source (my media bottle) and obsessively cleaning all surfaces I could find. I started my cell lines again and they are fine. My coworker got contamination this morning. While she never stated that she thought I was responsible and she actually stated the opposite, I certainly feel like I am staring right at the tip of the incompetent finger.

I want to scream, "I didn't do it!', but maybe I did. Who really knows? Bacteria are tricky little bastards and it's really hard to get rid of all of them. It only takes one before you have a colony. There is no way to escape my psycho, paranoid head until I attend my meeting tonight. I will go and share this and someone else will relate their paranoid freak story and I will be able to laugh at them and myself and feel normal.

Until then, I am going to find a new incubator to house my cells because someone's incompetence has introduced bacteria into the incubator I am using.
TAGS:
job career

Prayers

2007-04-17T05:45:00.000-07:00

As soon as I finished my post yesterday, I heard about the shootings at Virginia Tech. Everything was immediately put into perspective and I could once again see the beautiful gift that my life is and how petty and self centered I frequently am. My prayers go out to the family and friends of the victims of this crime. I pray that everyone is given the strength and support needed to work through their loss. My prayers also go out to the University leaders and police force who I believe made the best decision they could with the information they were given.
TAGS:
current events Virginia Tech

Now you see it, now you don't

2007-04-16T09:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't had a period for 31 days. Now, the logical reason behind all this is pregnancy and my husband and I have been working (unsuccessfully) that direction. I took a test on Friday that was negative. I was angry and decided I'm not spending $10 to find out I'm not pregnant ever, ever again. I will just wait until I've gone 90 days without a period and my belly starts expanding and then I will assume I am pregnant and make a doctor's appointment. This morning I think my period started. I cried and cursed like crazy on the drive into work. Then, I got here and it stopped. I really am not enjoying this game.

My husband is no emotional support at all so I turned to my mother. She is annoyingly practical in all things. She said,"Would you quit worrying about another baby! That's in God's hands. What you should worry about is potty training the one you have. What would you do with two in diapers anyway?" Thanks for the love, Ma. I guess your point is that I am not only fertility challenged but also a neglectful mother and barely capable of raising the child I have brought into this world.

The motivation for this comment is that Manther is two (next week) and not potty trained and my mother thinks this absolutely disgraceful. She feels the average child should be potty trained by ~ 18 months. I have three siblings and I am quite certain NONE of us were potty trained at 2 years old, but my mother's memory gets weaker and her distaste for diapers gets stronger every year.

So, I am sitting at my desk silently raging because I don't know if I'm pregnant or not and my mother and husband refuse to listen to my ranting and raving. Thank God for the internet.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

A plea for sanity from the yuppies

2007-04-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

I pulled into my daughter's daycare this morning and was greeted by a fleet of bikes. Apparently, it is 'bike day' for the bigger kids and everyone had brought their wheels. It was very cheery and springlike, until I looked closer and saw the make and model of these vehicles. In my younger days, I was more active and liked to do some mountain biking. I know what type of value and price tag are associated with bike names like 'Trek' and 'Specialized'. Until today, I was not aware than you could spend that amount of money on a bike for your 3 year old. The little thing pictured here will run you $129 and this was one of the bikes in the group this morning. Am I the only one who thinks this is an extreme amount of money to spend on a starter bike that will last 1-2 years, will never go > 5 mph, and will spend 50% of it's life on it's side because CHILDREN FALL A LOT when learning to ride a bike? I can't really see the need for an extra light frame or superior handling with the bike will never make it past the block you live on. What happened to the little pink thing that you get at Target? I have a proposal for you yuppies, so listen up. If you can't bear to spend less than $120 on a bike, then why not buy 3 $40 bikes and donate the other 2 to a worthy cause? I understand that this means there are two poor children who will have a status equal to your child's in bike world, but you might actually teach your child a lesson about the value of a dollar, how to help people, better stuff does not make you a better person, and kindness. If you're worried about what the neighbors might think if your kid is on a cheap bike, buy a used one and tell everyone you're really into recycling.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

The ugly face of resentment

2007-04-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's returned to ruin our serenity and steal our peace. Of course, I am referring to the ugly face of resentment. A few months back, my husband returned to to meetings very actively following a relapse. He started picking up a friend who needed a ride very regularly. The friend also needed a ride to the meeting I attend so I pick him up and take him on Wednesdays. Well, we did him a couple of fav0rs and didn't set boundaries properly and things have become uncomfortable. My husband would buy him cigarettes or pick up the tab when the group went out for coffee afterwards. The cigarette money has escalated to $200 of borrowed money and the cup of coffee has turned into a full meal at least once a week. My husband even started avoiding his home group so he could avoid buying this guy dinner. The icing on the cake is that the dude smoked in my car. Now, I used to smoke and smoke a lot and I might be more forgiving of this, BUT, I have a daughter with terrible congestion problems who rides in that car everyday. So, I built a case against this guy (he's not disabled from Hep C, I worked with Hep C, why are my taxes paying for his meal ticket, you get the picture) I fully understand that he is only doing what any other fine, red blooded, move-shootin, ex druggie alkie would do in the same situation, but he's doing it to me and I hate being the sucker. So, my husband called his sponsor last night and I am going to call 'my girls' today and we will work on polite ways to say, "Quit spending my money and poisining my child,' or something like that.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

What a strange power there is in clothing. ~Isaac Bashevis Singer

2007-04-11T08:16:00.000-07:00

Manther expressed strong opinions about her clothing very early on in life. She is not drawn to the frilly, pink princess styles that attract many little girls, but rather bold, primary colors with striking patterns or drawings on them. She began temper tantrums at 19 months whenever she was not allowed to wear a shirt with an 'Elmo' on it. I am ashamed to say that she won this battle and wore Elmo shirts everywhere for the m0nths following. After 6 months, this phase is passing and she will wear non-Elmo clothing several days a week. However, she insists on picking out her own clothes and her mood certainly dictates her style.

I knew Manther was opinionated about her clothes, but I didn't realize how deeply she cared for them until last night. I was in the basement doing laundry and Manther was assisting (something I encourage). We put the wet clothes in the dryer and sorted the darks on the floor. I didn't have enough for a load, so I stacked the sorted darks on the washer and waved Manther toward the stairway telling her we were done and it was time to go upstairs. When I got to the foot of the stairs, I turned to let Manther pass me. She was not behind me, but still standing in front of the washer. She was waving to the stack of clothes on the washer and saying farewell, "bye-bye shirts, bye-bye pants, bye-bye socks." It was only after I assured her that the clothes will be returned to her after washing that she was willing to go upstairs and get ready for bed. I predict a serious shopping addiction before this kid gets out of junior high.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

A mother's movie review

2007-04-09T10:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend my husband and I rented a movie and watched it, "The Departed". I know this movie is very old and everyone except for hubby and I have already seen it. I am the working mother of a toddler and I can't be expected to stay current with movies. If you want current, go to Siskel and Ebert's website. Wait, is one of them dead now? I guess I can't stay current with pop culture, either.

The movie opens with Costello (Jack Nicholson) extorting money from local business men as the head of the Irish mafia. In this scene, he meets and takes young Colin Sullivan ( Matt Damon) under his wing. Colin starts working for Costello and eventually joins the police academy and becomes a mole on the police force for Costello (Matt Damon in uniform, yummy). Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) comes from a family of ill-repute and also joins the police force (not as hot a Matt Damon, but still sort of easy on the eyes). Despite his family connections, he's an honest guy.

At this point, I leave the movie to lay in the bed with Manther because she refuses to fall asleep on the couch watching movies. I miss 40 minutes of the movie (hubby doesn't want to pause or we will be up all night) and watch 40 minutes of 'House'. Although this show is entertaining, I probably won't be able to watch it again because the main character is a jerk and he makes me angry.

I return to movie and hubby fills me in. Colin moves up the chain of command in the police force and becomes a part of a special forces unit on organized crime with the state police. Billy does the same, but goes undercover as part of Costello's crew so Colin and Billy don't really know each other. It becomes apparent there is a security leak in both groups (the cops and the mobsters) and steps are taken within each group to uncover the mole or rat. Then, there's about 30 minutes of cat and mouse stuff between the undercover cop in the mob and the undercover mobster in the police force that is okay, but does get a little slow. In the end everyone, and I mean everyone, gets shot in the head and there is a strangely perfect and symmetrical blood splatter pattern with each head shot. Maybe that is what real life blood spatter looks like. I don't know.

I give this move a 'B'. It was pretty good. It dragged a bit in the middle and there was a little too much death at the end, but overall it was entertaining.

Finally, why is this a mother's movie review? Because it got interrupted, of course!

Blessings

2007-04-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

Easter is almost over and what a beautiful day it was. It was grey, cold, and snowy, but that didn't matter. We were able to gather with family members and enjoy each other's company and my spirit is renewed. I have so many gratitudes right now and I just wanted to jump online and list a few.

1) Hubby and Manther
2) The extended family on both sides
2) Above all, my higher power who I'll call God. He has shown me nothing but goodness and mercy every day, but I am especially conscious of this on Easter because of the overwhelming sacrifice he made in his son, Jesus.

There are so many days in the past when I thought life was not worth living, but he chose to save me anyway and I am able to enjoy my beautiful family and my continued life on this earth because of his grace. I pray tonight (and hopefully tomorrow if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing) that I can always remember his generous spirit and let it guide me in my daily life.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

The 'Little' Things

2007-04-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

I am sure many of you have seen this, but I had not until today. My mom sent it to me because she knows I am a 'get out of my way I got stuff to do, hurry hurry hurry' person. I thought it was a great reminder. As an afterthought I want to add, my mother is a Christian woman but not in the program. However, her email includes one of my favorite AA affirmations, "this is exactly where God wants me to be at this moment".

As you might know, the head of a company survived
9/11 because his son started kindergarten.
Another fellow was alive because it was
his turn to bring donuts.
One woman was late because her
alarm clock didn't go off in time.
One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
because of an auto accident.
One of them
missed his bus.
One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
time to change.
One's
car wouldn't start.
One went back to
answer the telephone .
One had a
child that dawdled
and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.
One couldn't
get a taxi.
The one that struck me was the man
who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
took the various means to get to work
but before he got there, he developed
a blister on his foot.
He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
That is why he is alive today.

Now when I am
stuck in traffic ,
miss an elevator,
turn back to answer a ringing telephone...
all the little things that annoy me.
I think to myself,
this is exactly where
God wants me to be at this very moment..

Next time your morning seems to be
going wrong;
the children are slow getting dressed,
you can't seem to find the car keys,
you hit every traffic light,
don't get mad or frustrated;
God is at work watching over you.

May God continue to bless you
with all those annoying little things
and may you remember their possible purpose.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

The velcro tabs go where?

2007-04-04T08:23:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in Monday's post, my husband and I went out to eat with the in-laws this weekend. We don't have a regular babysitter because we have been fortunate (and maybe unfortunate) to live close to relatives. However, we were taking the relatives out to eat, so none of them were available to babysit. I have nephews who are 12 and 15 years old. They are responsible boys and seemed like a good choice since Manther adores them. My husband and their father discussed the possibility of the boys babysitting, but both were a bit concerned about whether or not the boys could change a diaper. I grew up babysitting and so did my sisters. We were very familiar with diapers at an early age and I really felt the diaper changing dilemma was overrated. Apparently, their mother was also concerned because she started instructing them on the finer points of diapering a toddler. Once the word 'vagina' came out of her mouth, both boys blushed and the younger said, "I don't want to talk about this anymore." This ended the diapering discussion and we resorted to a quick demonstration on Elmo before our departure on Sunday. Well, sure enough, Manther filled her pants 20 minutes after we walked out the door. We checked in with the boys and they seemed to have everything under control. They even asked if they could take Manther to the park (such nice boys). We returned home and everything looked pretty good. There were a lot of cookie crumbs on the floor and Manther's pants were fitting funny, but the house was standing, no one was injured, and Manther seemed perfectly happy. After everyone filed out, I swept the crumbs up and checked Manther's diaper. In our elaborate discussions about diapering, no one had mentioned to the boys which was the front and which was the back of the diaper. They guessed wrong and Manther was wearing a diaper that was very short in back and had a lot extra in front and it was really funny. I haven't teased them about it yet. The trauma of a stinky diaper and the word 'vagina' falling off their mother's lips is still too fresh. But, I'll be sure to bring it up as soon as one of them brings a girlfriend home.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Lucky me

2007-04-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

About 20 months ago, I was not sure I would be able to stay married to my husband. We are both in recovery and he had relapsed. He was prescribed narcotic painkillers following a car accident that had resulted in agonizing back pain. He had been sober 14 years and I didn't think about monitoring the prescription or his behaviors. He became a royal ___hole and intolerable to be around. On the fateful day, I received a phone call at work saying he had been arrested for driving erratically and leaving our 4 month old infant home alone. I did not know this at the time, but he was taking Vicodin, Zanac, and marijuana. The only thing that I did know at that time was my baby was not safe. I left work and went home, packed, and Manther and I moved out with no intention of returning.

CPS called and said we (hubby and me) had to meet with them at our home. I told them that I did not live there anymore and the baby was safe and the meeting was unnecessary. It's not quite that simple. We had to meet so CPS could get all the details. We did this and I found that I could not just run out of the house and hide with the baby. The baby and I had a right to a home (I guess that's good) and my hubby had the right to try and change (not really wanting to accept that one). So, they set up a bunch of rules for us and left. I was mean as a snake and hating hubby so much. I wouldn't even let him near the baby for weeks. He did not retaliate, but instead focused on his recovery and made his way to outpatient and meetings regularly. Eventually, he put himself back together and has become a wonderful husband, father, and employee.

I didn't know exactly what I wanted to post about today, so I read some other blogs. I hit upon a few that griped about husbands and I surely have griped about mine in my blog. But, my most honest deep down emotion is that I am proud of how hard he worked to overcome his demon and unendingly grateful that he is able to be a part of our lives today.
TAGS:
marriage family home alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

How many is too many

2007-04-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

We saw the in-laws this weekend and the topic of a sibling for Manther came up. My husband and I would like to have another child. Manther is too spoiled and it would be beneficial for her to share the attention and presents. Also, I have found as an adult that being able to share the responsibility of caring for aging parents with your siblings makes the job easier. Despite our desire, no baby has been conceived. We are old folks and working within a limited time frame. I know the obvious answer for this is some sort of fertility stuff. I can't do it. I am terrified we would have a multiples birth and I would have to shoot myself. This is not an exaggeration. There is no way we could afford daycare and I can't quit work and I barely slept during Manther's infancy. The thought of two infant Manthers sends a shudder up my spine. I needed three breasts to keep Manther fed. What in the world would I do with only one boob per baby? Or, what if there were three babies? (perish the thought) I know there is always a chance I could get pregnant with twins without fertility drugs, but I firmly believe that God knows I am not a strong person and could not handle this. Although Manther might enjoy a brother or sister, I am sure she also wants a mother who is less than crazy and she might not be able to have both.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Efficient ways to waste time on a Saturday

2007-03-31T12:59:00.000-07:00

I think we all know what number one on this list is: Work on your blog! Yes, I absolutely should be raising my child and cleaning my house and most definitely I should be cleaning out my flower beds because my sister and brother-in-law are bringing me a bunch of landscape stuff from the house they will have to move out of. (Thank you Gov Granholm for assisting in running the state's economy into the ground and the subsequent loss of my family's jobs). This work list is far too daunting for a weekend so instead I am making rudimentary animations for my blog (see the picture by my header). Okay, my sister just called and they are going to be here soon and my husband will be home from work shortly after that. I better run through the house with a dustrag and a mop to make it look like I did something today.

Grateful for the Newcomer

2007-03-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

I was able to attend my meeting last night and it was very powerful. There was an emotional newcomer at the meeting and her presence absolutely focused the meeting the right direction. When I was the newcomer, I heard people say. "The newcomer is the most important person at the meeting," and I thought it was a little mantra they used to remind themselves to be nice to the new folks. I see this in a totally different light today. I have sat at many tables where I or other recovering alcoholics who have been sober a little while are focused on the struggles of living life on life's terms. We are unable to find peace and serenity because we are so focused on what we see as VERY BIG problems. The presence of a newcomer who has come to the tables desperately seeking help reminds us how hopeless life used to be and how fantastic the promises of AA really are. Everything is put into perspective and the mountains transform into the molehills they really are. I am grateful for the sobriety and perspective God has given me today.

TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

HALT

2007-03-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

I've been told in the program that HALT is an acronym that means hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. When I recovering alcoholic finds themself in this situation, it is suggested that they stop what they are doing and address their needs. If you ignore these needs, you may find yourself in relapse mode or just plain acting out. That's what I did yesterday. I am still run down from vacation and I have been doing a extra at the house because of the empty refrigerator and piles of laundry that accumulate when traveling. The fatigue has made me cranky. My coworker (who really is a nice guy despite my bitching) had a brief discussion with my boss and I felt one of my decisions was questioned. I don't really know if that's what anyone was thinking, but I was an irritable cuss and I got bent out of shape (you will respect with authoriti!). Fortunately, it was the end of the day and I was able to leave rather than get defensive. I still bitched about the situation a lot even though I wasn't at work. Everyone who crossed paths with me last night this morning got to hear my overly dramatic tale of woe. As the day wears on, I'm slowly crawling towards a saner place in my head. Tonight is my meeting night and I really looking forward to it. I bet everyone I work/live with is looking forward to it, too.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

Navy Pier

2007-03-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

Here are my favorite pictures from Navy Pier in Chicago. I really love visiting Chicago. I know many girls dreamed about growing up, getting married, and raising a family. I always dreamed about growing up, getting a great job, and living in a fashionable condo in a big city. In this dream, I was also tall, thin, brunette, wore Ann Taylor clothes, and discussed art with my very fashionable friends. The reality is that I am married with kid in a ranch house in a not so fashionable suburb and I wear frumpy hand-me downs so I can pay my mortgage. I am very, very happy with my life and I probably would not have been happy with a big city life. God did smile on me and gave me a sister-in-law with a fashionable city life so can visit her and play 'let's pretend I am a yuppie who lives in the city'. On this trip I spend an afternoon at Navy Pier, spoiled Manther with visit to the Rain Forest Cafe, walked the Magnificent Mile at night to enjoy the city lights, and played in a sweet, little toddler park behind the water tower. It was wonderful and relaxing and I am already planning a return trip.

TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Home Again

2007-03-26T11:37:00.000-07:00

Vacation is over and I am very sad. I was anxious about having a two year old in the car for 7 hours on the return trip, but she did well. The first leg of the return trip was three hours and it was just Manther and I. She got a bit fussy at the end, but there was little I could do to improve the situation in Chicago traffic. I told her to hang tight and eventually she quieted down. When we arrived at her Aunt's in Chicago, I turned around to find she had colored herself green and pink with markers. She completely covered her arms up to the elbows and created a nice pattern on her face. I started to yell but then stopped myself. If that's the worst that happens in 14 hrs of travel time, I need to be very grateful.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Vacation!

2007-03-20T16:51:00.000-07:00

Well, no one will be hearing from me for a few days because I am going on vacation. It's not fancy, just one day in Chicago and 2 in Wisconsin. The real vacation occurs because Manther will be occupied with relatives and youngs cousins. Yeah! A few days without Sesame Street books and videos. I'll be sure to take lots of pictures and see you soon.

Dutch Boy

2007-03-19T18:20:00.000-07:00

Manther is almost 23 months old and got her first big girl haircut yesterday. I have been propping her up on the bathroom sink and nipping at her bangs (and attempted a some tapering on the sides once), but it was definitely time she had the real thing. She sat on my lap as the stylist studied the situation. I explained that she is a tomboy and I can barely run a comb through her hair once or twice a day. Hairdryers and hair accessories are out of the question. The stylist replied, "Well, I'll clean up the bangs and try to taper in the sides so she doesn't look exactly like the little Dutch Boy." Apparently, this is hairstylist code for 'your daughter will leave here looking like the little Dutch Boy'. I can't be too upset, what choice do you have with fine, light brown hair that has no wave or body to speak of? I'll just have to force her to wear a lot of pink and hope she'll tolerate some pigtails by summertime.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

The most loved Elmos

2007-03-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

I am surrounded by supermoms. My boss is a supermom of 4, clinician, researcher, and surgeon. My sister is also a supermom of 4 who runs a beautiful home on a tight budget and does whatever else is required, including running her own small business, to keep the family afloat. Sometimes I compare myself (a dangerous game and I know it) and I fall short. My house isn't as nice or as clean, and my child, well, uh, sometimes the discipline lacks. She probably only sleeps about 10 hrs a week in her own crib. She only wears Elmo and occasionally Cookie monster. This includes her church clothes. She frequently removes her shoes no matter how inappropriate in might be in the given situation. She demands candy a dozen times a day (that one might be her father's fault). It takes 30 minutes to drop her off and pick her up at daycare. I look at these things and think, "I am a crappy mother and I have lost control.' But, yesterday I noticed how Manther takes care of her Elmos. They are fed and they go for rides and they spend lots of time sitting together talking. Well, I couldn't be all bad if I taught her how to care for Elmo so well. I might not be the strongest disciplinarian, but I think I have a shot at raising an okay human being.

TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

I smell like a man...for the second day in a row

2007-03-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

I am wearing my husband's deoderant and I smell like a man. I had to do a similar thing yesterday. Yesterday I had enough 'Dove' for one armpit, so the aftershave odor was cut with a bit of babypowder. Today it's all aftershave. I made it out of the house last night and went to the store, but I was distraced with gum drops for hubby and Elmo t-shirts for Manther and the deoderant got left behind. I noticed it took hubby a long time to make it into the bedroom last night. He claims there was a late basketball game on the tube, but maybe this stuff is like a sex repellent. I think I'll throw some perfume with it before I hit the sheets tonight and see if that has a neutralizing effect.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Car repairs and house repairs are my aphrodisiac

2007-03-14T10:13:00.000-07:00

After a 3 days of cold shoulders, abrupt words, and nasty blog posts, my husband must have realized he was going to have to make amends for being a pig. I found a huge crack in the hose that squirts windshield wiper fluid in my car this weekend. On the advice of my father, the back yard mechanic and general fix-it guy, I went to the auto parts store to buy hose and two linkers. My husband saw me bring the bag in the house and went outside after dinner to fix it with no prompting. As I watched him from the window, I was thinking he looked more attractive than usual. I had the same feeling when he was patching the roof this weekend. Yes, it is definitely 'hot' when he fixes stuff. Some girls respond to flowers and jewelry and I like these types of presents, too. But, if you really want to stir something up, get the caulk gun out and get rid of the black stuff around the tub.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Chauvinist pig

2007-03-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

I have been a bit blog neglectful. The weather warmed up and this was distracting. Also, I wanted to spend more one on one time with Manther in an effort to decrease her need for ultimate order. She seems more secure and happy this week, but it probably has more to do with the warm weather than my attention.

My husband said several piggish things this weekend and I am rewarding him with the honorary chauvinist pig mask. The preface for comment #1 is that we are considering a second child. The comment: "Maybe after the second baby you can get in really good shape". The preface for comment #2 is that he worked 7 days this week and came home and I was laying in the bed with Manther trying to get her to take a nap. I commented that it was very comfortable and I was tired and didn't want to get up. He responded, "It's not like you worked all day. You were just around the house."

Isn't that sweet? He claims that what he said sounds worse than what he meant, but that's a pretty weak apology. I think he might earn himself a few more caricatures before this is over.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Tackling transition with toddlers

2007-03-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

Yeah! I used alliteration. This is big for me because I am a remarkably uncreative person and when I do something even slightly right brained I am to be commended. Yeah me! Onto the topic for the day: My rotten toddler. I have remarked in recent posts that Manther is ill behaved as of late and this is not an exaggeration. She was a pretty easy-going kid and now she is very uncooperative. This is not shocking because she is nearly 2, but I am disturbed by one aspect of this problem. Transitions are very difficult and I found a website that gave some suggestions for how to maneuver transitions in daily activites. The thing that is bothering me is that Manther freaks out just as much when her environment changes slightly as she does when she is asked to stop playing and eat lunch. On Wednesday, a table was removed from her daycare room and she could barely go on with her day. Yesterday the daycare gym and hallways were all festive and rearranged for 'penguin day'. She was a nervous wreck. She insisted on wearing her shoes all day, refused to eat or sleep, and spent most of the day sitting in the stroller peering suspiciously at everyone. I see other 2 year olds in her room and I am not noticing this OCD/paranoid behavior with them and I am getting concerned. I was a high anxiety kid and I was hoping that Manther had gotten some of the 'relaxed' genes from Dad. I think my hopes are futile. I am going to incorporate some of the tactics for easing transitions and hopefully the poor reaction to changes in the environment will even out.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Victory

2007-03-08T13:07:00.000-08:00

I am feeling victorious and a little bit smug today. I wrestled with Vista and won. After turning the computer and printer off and on about a half a dozen times, I managed to delete the test page that had been printing or canceling (I couldn't tell which function crashed everything) for 72 hrs. At this point, Vista agreed to recognize my printer and digital camera. ha-HA.
Then, my husband got out of bed this morning after a sleepless night due to Manther's 4am tantrums. He admitted he came very close to spanking her himself last night. ha-HA again.
Of course, Manther is still a rebellious monster and I could barely get her to wear shoes this morning. I guess I can't expect to win all my fights. At least she's still small enough that I can physically maneuver her when necessary;
TAGS:
family computers Vista parenting mom kids parents

Vista is the devil

2007-03-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

I bought a new computer at a great price. $320. It came with Vista. I didn't really want to learn a new operating system, but I needed a new computer so I did it. Vista is the devil. It can't find my printer. It won't let my printer software run. It won't let my camera software run. I barely managed to load MS Office. If Vista is the devil, then Circuit City is satan's lord and master. The loaded so much crap on the OS that it runs agonizingly slow and advertising pops up constantly. For a mere $1oo, they will happily remove the advertising. What the hell? Are you guys the mob? Do I really have to buy protection from you in order to get a working computer? I'm going home and I will try ONE MORE TIME to get this thing operational. If I can't do it, I will pay $100 and let Circuit City do it. But, rather than let them think they have won, I will openly slander them on the internet and cost them thousands in lost revenues. I have had 22 pageviews this week. Did you hear that Circuit City? 22. That's 22 people who will hear remarks that are less than kind about how you run your business. I think I smell fear.
TAGS:
family computers Vista Circuit City

Toddlers and Spanking

2007-03-06T09:41:00.000-08:00

Manther is quickly approaching two years old and she is cutting teeth, specifically her two year molars. This combination of things is causing some terrible obstinance and tantrums. The answer to everything (even a choice) is no, there is constant whining, and frequent throwing of objects. Last night she woke up and I brought her into our bed. She whined and cried and flipped around like a fish out of water. She asked for a bottle (yes, we still use one to put her to sleep) and I gladly gave her one. She sucked on it for a few minutes and apparently this hurt her teeth. She let out a blood curdling scream and hurled the bottle against the nearest wall. I swatted her on the butt. Hy husband (who had been pretending to sleep) jolted awake and said, "Don't hit her." I didn't say anything. We have discussed spanking and agreed that we're not completely against it, although it should be used infrequently. Our basis for this is living in a university town and watching many highly educated parents trying to reason with their two year old while the child is screaming and running in circles. You cannot reason with a child who is spinning out of control, however, spanking may not be the solution either. The one thing I know for sure is that we must present a united front or we will lose control of the situation. So, I called my husband on the way into work and explained that we have to find something that we agree on as a course of action when our little darling has metamorphosized into a screaming, thrashing demon. Obviously, we cannot stand there and decide if the situation mandates a spanking while Manther is in the middle of a tantrum. We came up with no good solution. Hopefully, Manther will decide to calm down until her parents can decide how to discipline her.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents

Feeling good

2007-03-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to blog for a few days because I have no home computer and I was home sick with Manther. I did virtually nothing for the past two days and I can't remember the last time that happened. I didn't clean because I cleaned last weekend. I didn't cook because Manther wasn't eating and my husband and I had leftovers. I was caught up on laundry. I have no computer. So, I sat around. It was fantastic. I used to do the sitting around thing a lot, but I got away from it with work, meetings, and a family. I took a long bath and several long naps with Manther. She wanted to be held constantly and I gladly accommodated her by planting my soft, round butt on the couch in front of the TV. I had to return to work today and I am grateful because the sloth lifestyle was already becoming a habit for me. Manther thinks the TV should be on all the time now and it will takes months to deprogram her.
TAGS:
family parenting mom kids parents television

My recovery is my own responsibility

2007-02-27T12:31:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I was contacted by a friend who I spent a lot of time with before I got sober. I lost touch with this friend when the drugs took control and I began my slalom ride downhill. She inquired about my life and I told her bluntly why we lost contact, how I got sober, and how wonderful my life is today. While summarizing the lost years and my recovery, I mentioned that my boyfriend at the time we knew each other was worthless. She replied with a friendly email about her life and expressed how glad she was that I was healthy again. She indicated it was my ex-boyfriend's fault I was strung out on drugs and I was lucky to be rid of him. I wanted to disagree, but I felt she would misinterpret my words as a tender heart rather than a woman owning her part in something. My ex used drugs. That was one of the things that attracted me to him. I begged him to let me try heroin and I watched him cry when I put needles in my arms. He was not an upstanding citizen or a healthy person at all, but he was also not responsible for my drug use. My abuse of drugs and alcohol was my responsibility, just as my recovery is my resposibility. I left him behind because he would have jeopardized my sobriety, but I am not sober merely because I left him behind. If I had not found recovery, I would have found another worthless man that fit my drugs and alcohol lifestyle.
My old friend lives many states away from me now. It was great to hear from her, but I am glad she is a distance away. My recovering friends won't let me pin the blame on an ex-boyfriend, an abusive parent, or a cheating spouse. It is my responsibility to live in recovery and I want my friends to hold me accountable.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

Crash and almost burned

2007-02-26T12:05:00.000-08:00

I had an uneventful weekend with a really ugly ending. I did some housecleaning and saw some old friends in recovery. I took Manther out to play a few times and was feeling very relaxed by Sunday night. My husband agreed to take Manther to an open talk with him so I could have some time alone. I was going to use this time to unplug and replug my CD and DVD drive on my home computer. I was hoping the drivers would reload properly following the replug and I would be able to reformat (I haven't been able to load software with my CD drive). I got interrupted part way through as my husband and Manther returned early and, when I returned to the task a few hours later, I tried to plug in the CD drive with the computer running. Sparks flew everywhere and our little shack of a house nearly went up in flames. After I was certain that the flames and sparks had subsided, I crawled into the bedroom. I nudged my husband part way awake and told him the computer was definitely cooked. He was uninterested and went back to sleep. When I told him what the price of a new computer was today, he got a lot more interested. To his credit, he is far more patient and even tempered than I am and he was very forgiving. I hope I am able to forgive myself as we tighten the belt one more notch.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Inappropriate gifts for 95 year old women

2007-02-23T09:03:00.000-08:00

I am feeling much more healthy today and the sun is out and I am grateful again. I decided to take a vacation from blogging about recovery and talk about my grandma. I gave my Grandma a birthday gift this year and I feel like an idiot for not seeing why it just doesn't fit her life. She has very limited funds, so I bought her a gift card to Kroger. She couldn't figure out what it was when she opened it. She was grateful (of course, she's a classy woman), but very confused. She kept asking if it was a coupon. I explained it was like money. I told her to use it when she paid for her groceries. She nodded. The next few times I saw her, she asked me about the card again. We reviewed it again. Finally, she mailed the card back to me. She said that my small family needed it more than she did. I am pretty sure this is code for, "What IS this thing?" What's wrong with me? This woman has probably only owned one credit card in her life and never used it. Why in the world would I give her a gift card instead of plain old cash? I was just not thinking. I am going to write her a letter today and include some regular old money. I will probably also include an apology for assuming everyone lives in the same generation that I do.
family

A little better

2007-02-22T09:52:00.000-08:00

Thanks everyone for tolerating my ranting this week. I am feeling a little better today after going to a meeting last night. I am still frustrated, but I did get some peace from one of the ladies at the meeting. She asked, "If you have to choose between your husband's sobriety and increasing the family's income, which would you choose?" He has told me he is not ready to make a change and, although that is selfish, it is perfectly acceptable for someone to be selfish when it comes to their sobriety. I am still feeling a little neglected by my higher power. I am reminding myself that the bills are paid and that translates into my higher power taking care of me. The house repairs and car replacements will come eventually. I hope Manther can put herself through college. Meanwhile, I am working on letting go and letting God.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

Ash Wednesday

2007-02-21T07:27:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday and I am not going to church. I feel guilty about this, but I have to choose between church and a meeting and I really need a meeting. I have been focusing on a meeting for 3 days and I have been psycho, cranky, and had occasional using thoughts for 3 days and I desperately need to get right.

My head is a terrible place and I am alone with it right now. I work with a small group and everyone is out of the office for the day. Typically, I enjoy this situation. Today it scares me. This is the worst my head has been in the last 6-12 months and I am struggling to pull out of it.

I am praying, praying, praying and calling people. I am so self-centered right now that I can barely make conversation. I tell them I am in a bad space, they kindly encourage and suggest a reading, then the phone call ends. I do the reading and don't care much about what it says. I walk away and do it again later. Same result.

I have been here before and I know it will improve. I will keep taking the suggestions and keep telling on myself and do my best to stay focused on the task at hand and out of my wretched head.

I still hate my husband and I think he is a selfish bastard. However, I chose the selfish bastard, so whose fault is this really? I am mad at God because I feel like he is punishing us by keeping us in poverty. I feel like I have no faith right now and I cannot see God's kindness or benevolence and I am struggling to align my will with his.

I know. Third step prayer. Bondage of self..Do they will... blah, blah, blah.

Did I mention how screwed up my thought processes are right now?

I am going to do some work and pick up my kid and go to a meeting.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

AARRRGGGHH!

2007-02-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

I am so irritable I can barely stand to be around me. I logged onto my blog and I was irritated by the stupid dots layout, It reminds me of cheerleaders and dotting your 'i' with a heart and ponytails. Why the hell did I pick that? That's not me at all. I was going to change it, but it was too much work and the only thing I will be happy with is making my own and that's WAY too much work. So, I will bitch like crazy in my post and that will probably make me feel better than changing my template.

I love my husband, but I may have to kill him. He has a crappy job that he bitches about constantly. I have listened to and commiserated with him on what a rotten, drunken, self serving, low life bastard his boss is. It is not lip service. I truly feel this way about his boss. WELL, I guess the point that I missed is that my husband actually ENJOYS this abusive relationship in some perverse way. He had an interview a few months ago for a better job. He was apprehensive, but he went and told me he was glad he went. He didn't get a call back, but that's okay. What matters is that you are open to change and living in the solution. I guess the guy that was hired didn't work out because the job is posted again. I told husband and suggested he call and inquire about the opening and his chances. He told me he 'likes his job and isn't going to quit.'

What the hell???!!!!! He has worked 45 days straight between his crappy job and his side jobs to make $10,000/year less than the new job would offer. Last week he worked 7 days for this ass who vacationed in Arizona. He showed the ass the weekend sales (which he gets no commission for) when he returned on Monday and the ass brushed him off and said, 'Can I eat my breakfast, PLEASE?'

COLOSSAL PHENONMENAL OVER-THE-TOP UBER SUPER JERK!

I don't want to control my husband. I don't want to 'fix' everyone's lives. I just want to live in a house where the kitchen ceiling doesn't have a gaping hole and I want to drive a car that has less than 150K on it.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Less than grateful

2007-02-19T07:02:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in a few days and I am super cranky this morning. There is no real reason for it. I had what should have been a pleasant, uneventful weekend. Manther was healthy and I got the house cleaned and some other crap done. The only disappointment I experienced was that I couldn't get the CD drive to work well enough to reformat my home computer this weekend and I can't say that this was surprising. It is a hand-me-down piece of crap. I feel the pressure of not having enough money, but this has become an unchanging constant for us and most other young families I know. My husband has been doing everything possible to make extra money and his efforts have kept the bills paid. That's more than many others have in Michigan right now.
While I was traveling the course of planes, trains, and automobiles that is required for me to get to work, I tried some tricks to pull myself out of my terrible, mean, irritable state of mind. I started to make a list of gratitudes and it turned sarcastic very quickly (like, grateful God has given us enough to survive but not enough to live like decent human beings). I started to pray for help and then I got afraid. I was afraid God would show me how to be grateful for what I have by delivering some hideousness on someone in my life. Then, I imagined snorting heroin. I was sitting on the shuttle from the parking lot and my addict traveled to the place in my memory where I could re-experience the burn, bitterness, and euphoria. I got really scared and I shut my eyes and forced myself to 'play the tape through'. I sitting on the damp, cement curb in Detroit at 7:30 in the morning waiting for the dopehouse to start business. I was sick, homeless, and hopeless. I was staring at the gas station across the street and watching the normals gas up and go to work. I desperately wanted to be normal again and I promised myself, if I was ever able to get out of the craziness and get healthy, I would never take my employment or daily life for granted again. Then, I put myself in the present day and I saw Manther. As far as she knows, mommy will always be there and always be able to supply the food and attention she needs. I don't ever want her to know any reality aside from this. I pulled it together and I got my head screwed on straight enough to get into the office and start my day. God has given and continues to give me many gifts in this program and I have to continue to stay focused on this.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

Another first for Manther

2007-02-15T11:41:00.000-08:00

This post should not be read by those who are seriously grossed out by body fluids (I know this does not apply to most parents who had to overcome being grossed out early on in their child's life). Manther is trying to recover from a hearty cold virus she picked up at daycare. Today we were driving into daycare/work and she was doing some productive coughing. She hocked up a big lugee and started to cry. Naturally, she was uncomfortable with the slimy thing in her mouth and wanted it out. It was difficult to do while driving, but I dug out a baby wipe and held it over the seat and in front of her in the carseat. She couldn't figure out what to do and she was looking confused and fishing around in her mouth with both of her hands. After a few minutes, the crying subsided and, although the lugee had not been removed, I resumed driving with both hands. It was unusually quiet for the next 10 minutes so I adjusted the rear view mirror and checked out what was going on behind me. Manther was exploring the lugee by moving it around her mouth with her tongue and chewing on it every once in a while. I am her mother and thought I could not be grossed out after all the body fluids I have seen here expel, but this turned my stomach a bit. We arrived at daycare and I crawled into the back seat to try and remove the nastiness from Manther's mouth, but I guess I was too late because I couldn't find it. I hope the next time this happens we are at home so we can practice the proper technique for spitting those things out.
TAGS:
parenting mom kids parents

Happy Valentine's Day

2007-02-14T12:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I've heard a few people say they don't like this holiday. I can understand that. For years I felt left out on Valentine's Day because I didn't have a significant other in my life. Today I feel a part of, but not because of my husband. I feel a part of because of my life in recovery. I celebrate Valentine's with everyone and I hand out big pink and red cards and eat/share a lot of candy. I made Valentines for Manther's friends and caregivers at daycare (they have Elmo on them, of course). I got to deliver them into homemade paper plate mailboxes hung on the wall and I really enjoyed it. Then, I shared a cup of coffee with a couple of daycare moms and wished them Happy Valentine's, too. Happy Valentine's Day to anyone who reads this and don't miss out on the chance to celebrate a holiday.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous Valentine's Day

Meltdown

2007-02-13T10:45:00.000-08:00

I had a meltdown yesterday and I can't say it was surprising. We (my little family) have been battling winter weather and daycare viruses and crazy schedules and I got really tired. I was hoping my husband might make it home in time to take Manther to story hour at the library. I was exhausted and I wanted to stay home and she has cabin fever and needs to get out. He called me at 6:15 and told me he had another 1 1/2 hours of work. I lost my temper and, after the fact, I felt terrible. He has been working so hard for a boss that is impossible to please in an economy where he has no choice to leave and take another job. Not only is he working himself too hard at this job, he is taking weekend jobs because the pay is crap. I apologized several times, but he woke up sick this morning and I felt terrible all over again. I told him I would do my best to allow him to come home and go straight to bed for the 5-7 days it will take for this virus to pass. I felt like a selfish ass, but I am only attending one meeting a week so I can expect some craziness. I think there's only 7 more weeks of winter left and I am anxiously awaiting spring.
TAGS:
marriage family home

Disfunkshunall

2007-02-12T09:06:00.000-08:00

I have just had one of the stupidest mornings ever. Typically, my sister-in-law babysits Manther on Mon and Tues. She commutes from Chicago to Detroit to babysit, a very generous but also insane act on her part. She loves Manther dearly and claims she wants to do this. She has been sick the last two weeks and could not handle the commute, so I have asked my parents to fill in. My mother said 'yes', however, my raging alcoholic father decided not to come. If we were a normal family, a decision like this would be acceptable. However, my mother is totally unnerved wondering if he will kill himself or get arrested while she is babysitting. I assured her she could stay home if that were easier. She insisted she would come. I left for work this morning with a light dusting of snow on the ground. As I drove in, it became a lot heavier. I called my parents house to see if my mother had left yet and she had not. My mother has a serious problem arriving places on time and I knew the snow wouldn't help. I looked at the clock and realized she could definitely not get to my house in enough time for my husband to get to work. So, I told her the roads were bad and she should stay home. She refused. I left work and returned home. My husband jumped in the car to race to work and my mom pulled in the driveway 15 minutes later. I then returned to work (why I don't know, it's lunchtime by now) to try and squeeze something productive out of this day. This is all very stupid, but it gets stupider. The snow is still falling and I initially requested a babysitter for Mon and Tues. My mom could just spend the night at my house and avoid the snowy roads drama, however, she has parceled out enough alcohol to keep my Dad drunk for one day. If she does not return home, he will venture out (on foot because we can't leave him with a car)and buy vast amounts of alcohol. He will, of course, drink everything he buys and probably end up in a snowbank or jail. I love them, but it's really hard to do anything normal with then. I am going to finish the most necessary things at work and refuse to let my Mom babysit tomorrow. I need a break from the insanity.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous family

Sleepless nights

2007-02-09T13:09:00.000-08:00

Before I became a mother, I listened to many parents joke about not sleeping after you have children. I knew that I would not sleep when my child was an infant, but I assumed I would get a few nights of rest when she became a toddler. This has not happened. At first, I didn't acknowledge that Manther never sleeps through the night. I poo-pooed it as occasional restlessness and I ignored the frequency of her middle of the night wake-ups. However, she is quickly approaching two years of age and, if I were going to be brutally honest, she only sleeps through the night about once a month. I think I know what the problem is. She can't breathe. She is constantly congested and 5 months of the year green goop oozes from her eyes and nose. Daycare told me three times this year she had pink eye. She never had pink eye, but she did have disgusting gunk in her eyes. Many folks (myself included) jave suggested she has allergies. My husband and I have replaced the dryer exhaust and many furnace filters and torn out the carpeting in the house, but it doesn't really seem to improve anything. It is probably time to seek medical attention. I dread this. I will have to make repeated appointments (lost work time) with the primary before she and whatever resident happens to be filling in that day actually believe there is a problem. Then, we move onto a series of all day appointments with specialists(lots o lost work time) while they assess the situation and determine how to treat. Treatment is a hit or miss thing. They may find one that works initially, but the chances are just a good they won't find one that works. So, you go through a few treatments and Manther improves. Most likely, she has just outgrown the allergies, but the docs will have a theory on why this course of treatment is relieving some symptoms. I don't really see the point, but I hate to see Manther shuffling around the house sniffling all the time. Springtime is just around the corner, so I think I can put this off until next winter and maybe she'll outgrow this without 25 doctor's appointments.
TAGS:
parenting mom kids parents

I saw myself across the table

2007-02-08T10:00:00.000-08:00

I went to an AA meeting last night (every Wednesday if possible cuz Dada watches Manther) and I saw so much of myself in the 20 something girl across the table. In my twenties, I was searching and insecure and I couldn't get happy. I wanted men to want me and I would sacrifice almost everything for the attention of one. They were the ruler that I used to measure my self worth. It was stupid. I had a good job and loving family, but I regularly compromised both for the attention of a worthless man (and I definitely picked the worthless ones). At one point when I was about 26, an older coworker looked at me following some destructive behavior I had displayed and sighed, "Your 30's will be better." I thought she was full of it and didn't know how to party. In reality, she was quite a bit wiser than I. My 30's have been so much better than my 20's. First of all, I got clean and sober and that made it possible to grow. Next, I got my own apartment because my sponsor told me to rather than take up with a man. Then, I built friendships and they are really good ones that exist to this day. I became comfortable with myself and my space and I wasn't looking for satisfaction through the opposite sex. That is when God chose to introduce my future husband to me. He was cute and fun, but I remained independent and did my best to be honest about what was going on in my relationship with my friends in the program to guard against compromising myself. After a few months, he wanted to get engaged and move in. I loved my little apartment and I didn't want to share it. After prayerful consideration, I agreed. I still cried as he moved boxes into the space that had previously belonged to me alone. He moved in gradually because I think he saw how difficult the change was for me. Things grew from there with wonderful good experiences and terrible bad experiences. I was able to share these with my friends and I don't regret the decision I made.
So, when it was my turn to share last night, I did my best to relate. I watched as the 20 something girl dismissed what I had said, just as I would have done, to close the meeting and run out the door with her friends. There are so many lessons in life an alcoholic has to learn with hard knocks rather than sound advice.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

Grateful for Mom

2007-02-07T08:25:00.000-08:00

I am a working mother and frequently I feel like every day is scheduled. As I complete one task, I am already thinking about and assessing the next. When I get up in the morning, I am planning the daycare dropoff. As I do the daycare dropoff, I am shifting focus to my morning at work. As work progresses, I am thinking about the daycare pickup and getting dinner on the table. After dinner, I'm preparing for the next day. I don't think I am unusual. I assume that this is how the day goes for most moms. This week, my mom came to babysit on Mon and Tues. I don't really know how to express how wonderful that is. I feel like it adds three hours onto my day. On Sunday night, I started to plan meals for my toddler the next day. Then, I realized Grandma would be here and there was food in the fridge. Good enough! I came home Mon prepared to jump into supper and it was on the table and several loads of laundry had been done. I played with my daughter that evening and was so grateful for the time together. Similar things happened on Tuesday and that night I actually sat on the couch by myself (that never happens) because Manther had been occupied with Grandma all day and was calmly playing by herself (again, that never happens). Of course, I dozed off because I have lost the ability to be still with out falling asleep. Grandma had to go home yesterday and I was very sad. She's coming back in 2 1/2 weeks and I am already looking forward to it.
TAGS:
parenting mom kids parents

The curse has been lifted...maybe

2007-02-04T06:31:00.000-08:00

My husband and I bought a used car 2 1/2 years ago and it was a mistake that we continue to pay for. We had (have) no money and desperately needed a vehicle, so we paid $500 and financed the remaining $3000 on a 1998 Mercury Sable. Twenty four hours after the purchase, the engine light came on and the transmission had to be replaced. We were upset, but the dealer we purchased it from agreed to pay for it. We were still optimistic that everything would be okay. In the next 6 months we replaced the power steering pump, alternator, oil pan gasket, about 75% of the heating and cooling lines, front brakes, and starter. Over the next two years, the repairs continued at a slower, but steady, pace. We spent $500 on the brakes on the back of the car, $300 in tires, and $1000 on the suspension. About 3 weeks ago, the car began to shake at high speeds and I thought, "Here we go again." I took it to the tire guys first, but I was not hopeful. I was just certain that it was another $1000 in suspension work. For the first time in 2 1/2 years, the car gods smiled on us. It was a bad tire and the tire was under warranty. It cost me $8.50. I left the tire place feeling victorious. I actually thought that maybe the car wasn't such a crappy bucket of bolts after all. I parked it in the driveway and hurried inside to share the good news with my husband. We both felt warm and fuzzy. The car gods must have heard us and decided to punish us for celebrating a near miss at the mechanics. We had a cold night last night and my husband decided to try and start my car this morning. No luck. So, Manther and I are worshipping with Elmo videos this morning instead of church. Only 8 more payments to go!
TAGS:
marriage family home home repair

Newcomers

2007-02-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I went to my AA meeting and there were a lot of newcomers there. I have 6 years sober and the next closest to me was 4 months. I haven't led a table since I relocated because I have been struggling to get cozy with my new AA community. There was no reasonable way to worm out of it last night so I did it. I didn't do very well. I guess I should expect to be rusty after not doing something for a long time. I waited until the tables were clearing out before I got newcomer pamphlets and started passing them for signatures and phone numbers. I was focused on trying to share my experience, strength, and hope on the first step and I forgot to talk about sponsorship, working the steps, and what to use those phone numbers for. Fortunately, the girl with 4 months cleaned up behind me. I was really glad she was there. I always think that I will never forget what it was like for me starting out in this program, but I seem to have forgotten a lot about what information a newcomer might need to stay sober until their next meeting.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous

One of the gifts of being a mother

2007-01-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

"You'll bestow on this family the wonder that lets parents see though child's eyes, helping them recapture the innocence and moments of sweet surprise."

from 'the Gift of an Angel' by Marianne Richmond

This quote is from a book my sister gave me when I was pregnant and it tells the story of God choosing a guardian angel for a child right before the child is born. The line above is one of the duties that God assigns his angel. The book is very sweet and I cried and blubbered everytime I read it when I was pregnant. Of course, I cried several times a day the first five months of my pregnancy so it didn't take much to trigger the waterworks. As I watched Manther last night, the truth that these words express became clear to me. We were at the library for storytime and stayed a few minutes to play on the computer. It was dark when we left and it was snowing. The snow was big and fluffy and the flakes were falling thick and fast. Manther stopped walking and held her arms out to watch the snow collect and melt in the folds of her hands and coat. We live in Michigan, so she knew what it was and was repeating "snow...snow...snow" softly to herself. After a few minutes, I convinced her to keep walking. She made it a few feet and then looked up and saw the patterns of swirling snow in the lights of the parking lot. She squealed with delight and ran into the middle of the parking lot. She danced clumsy, toddler circles underneath the lights as she sang, "Snow!..Snow!..Snow! It has been years since I was able to be delighted by a fluffy snowstorm and I was immersed in Manther's 'wonder' and 'surprise'. This only lasted a minute because I felt I should remove my child from the middle of a parking lot at night in a snowstorm. But, a minute was long enough for me to recognize that I am truly blessed to be a mother.
TAGS:
parenting mom kids parents

I think I spoke too soon....

2007-01-29T07:19:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I posted something on television and toddlers and naively stated that my daughter (21 months old) was not interested in TV. I was WAY wrong. Either Manther was too young to truly appreciate TV or the weather wasn't cold enough yet, but this weekend she focused on the digital images and fell in love. We have an overindulgent neighbor who was concerned that my spoiled daughter might not have enough TV in her life, so he supplied us with 5 children's DVDs (3 Sesame Street with Elmo) and a DVD player. Manther has been completely and irretrievably hooked on the TV and now asks for it at least 5 times a day.

In her defense, there is not a whole lot to do in Michigan in January. It is too cold to play outside, so I dragged her tricycle and big wheel into the basement. She sat down on one and scooted 11 ft to the wall and then looked at me and whined. A damp basement is not really a good alternative to the great outdoors. We did find a bit of entertainment washing comforters at the laundrymat. Manther enjoyed opening and shutting the washing machine doors, pushing the carts around, and running up and down all the aisleways. After a few minutes of this, the manager started shooting me dirty looks so I had to calm her down. She migrated over to a group of kids who were also trapped at the laundrymat enjoying a Michigan winter. After a few minutes, a tween age girl came up to me and told me Manther was following her. I admitted that I had noticed this and thought it was because the girl had such cool shoes (they had wheels in the heels). This was a lie and I think the little girl knew this, but she played with Manther anyway and she didn't even ask for money. Only 8 more weeks of winter to go!
TAGS:
parenting mom kids parents

A Highly Skilled Grocery Bagger

2007-01-25T10:43:00.000-08:00

I work in a research laboratory and and about 6 of every 18 months one of the clinicians from our department comes and works with me. Right now I have a coworker and it's a nice break from being here by myself. Today I found out that my new coworker is not only a clinician and a surgeon, but also a highly skilled grocery bagger. Apparently, he won a contest when he was in high school for grocery bagging. You must be able to fill evenly weighted grocery bags with great speed and he made it to the finals. However, the day of the finals there was a power outage. He and his manager heard the competition would be rescheduled, so they stayed home. As you may have guessed, the contest was delayed, not rescheduled, so he missed his opportunity to compete. He seems to have recovered well, but I am sure he wonders what could have been.
TAGS:
work career jobs employment

Is liquid soap really neater?

2007-01-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

When I was a very young child, liquid soap was a thing used in public restrooms. The soap used in your bathroom at home was a solid chunk of stuff that you lathered under water. The soap did leave a goopy mess on the edge of the sink and I guess this is why liquid soap in cute, little pump bottles was so popular when it appeared on grocery store shelves. I believe 'Softsoap' was the first brand on the market and it was available in all sorts of cool colors and scents. I like the smells and colors and the opportunity to accessorize my bathroom, so I have a pale green, cucumber-melon bottle of liquid soap in my bathroom. Recently, Manther has become tall enough to reach onto tables and countertops and I noticed she also fancies the liquid soap. Whenever the opportunity presents itself, she drags the bottle into a discreet corner of the house and starts pumping. I have found puddles of liquid soap on the carpet, on the wood floor, on my end tables, and in the bottom of the laundry basket (she thinks I can't see her when she's sitting in the laundry basket). If I smell cucumber-melon on her and she's been out of sight for a few minutes, I know it's time to start looking for the sticky puddle. Even though I'm going to miss the fresh color and fruity scent, I think it's time to replace the nifty pump bottle with a boring bar of Dial.
TAGS:
parenting mom kids parents

Economic Insecurity times 10

2007-01-23T10:26:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, I wrote about economic insecurity. It is one of my big struggles as a recovering alcoholic (probably as a regular person, too, I don't know, I don't think I've ever been a regular person). Well, it has shown it's ugly head again. I live in Michigan and the economy has been weak here, but yesterday it got a lot weaker as a major pharmaceutical company and employer of thousands announced it will shut it's doors. I have family, friends, and colleagues who are (were?) employed there and their heads are spinning. My prayers go out to all of them because they are facing some serious challenges. It will be virtually impossible to find another job in Michigan with the unemployment rates over 7% and rising. They will have to job hunt nationally and, if they're lucky enough to find employment, uproot families, sell houses at below bargain rate, and start over again. The employer had promised to relocate 70% of employees, but I would be surprised if they relocated even 50%. I firmly believe this is a lie they perpetuate to keep their ex-employees from bombing the facility. For the rest of us who live in Michigan and still have jobs, the future looks so bleak. It will be years before we can recover from the losses of the auto industry and every loss we experience on top of that extends those years. Much of southeast Michigan is experiencing urban blight already and the poverty is going to keep growing. I want to believe that we will be okay and that God has a plan, but it is a struggle. I am so fearful that layoffs will continue, that funding for my job will be cut, that the sales my husband's job depends on will drop so he loses his job, that we will be struggling to pay for a house that is in a neighborhood that has become unlivable due to the surrounding crime and poverty. I know these fears sound irrational because we still have jobs and there is still some commerce and economy in Michigan. I am doing my best to pray a lot and remember that God has brought us through many things and has the power to bring us (and the rest of the folks in Michigan) through this also.
TAGS:
alcoholism addiction 12-step aa alcoholics anonymous